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| Saturday, January 28, 2006 |
| i'm feeling you. |
i thought this article was funny...
Australians and British men frequently admitted drinking too much, while about half of German and Italian men said they had lied about their finances. Spaniards were the most likely to use sex to catch someone's attention.
with loose reference in the next statements...
When it came to that first meeting, a majority of men polled said beauty was more important than brains, while women put a sense of humor at the top of their list.
In the United States and Canada, humor was considered the most important trait by both men and women, getting 63 and 73 percent of the vote respectively.
I agree with it though. I love the man who makes me laugh.
just heard this song and i think it's so appropriate. i'm just happy being able and allowed to feel at this point.
i'm feeling you by santana/michelle branch/the wreckers |
posted by maldita @ 1:34 AM
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| Friday, January 27, 2006 |
| don't you (forget about me). |
there are so many reasons for me to stay in or stay away from the whole scene. Last night i had to face several other fresh assholes who couldn't take no for an answer. One such jerk who i knew from college said he'd just kiss me goodbye before he left. so i was extending my cheek out and he put his face in front of mine. i pushed him away with a overpowering "what the hell is wrong with you???"...and walked away while he tried his best to persuade me - one of the worst attempts i had ever seen. Later on as i was standing by the stage for a sense of security near the boys, he grabbed my arm even with debbie blocking to try to get me to outside to talk. i said no...a resounding NO and every excuse on the planet. I said i didn't have anything to say to him. but that grip was getting stronger and tighter. Even when debbie told him to get lost. Then just as i was about to push him or hit him, he left. I'm usually a very independent person who can defend herself but lately i've been feeling a bit helpless and reserved about my emotions. I can't even flirt with a guy i find cute even with tons of encouragement from friends. That's how wacked out my guts have become. And then i spotted Miks and asked him to help keep that guy away. Smashed as he was he stayed by my side. Oh thank God! life saver. see Miks is a big guy and although he's a teddy bear, he has a strong stance. So asshole-of-the-night never even got close again. phew.
Just when I started to feel like shit because of guys like that sleazebag, others make me feel better again. Talked to anton and he told me about how our old group from my old job were going to the beach a week from now and they thought of me and my friends if we could join them. Flashback to the company outing where we didn't really feel like mingling with all our other colleagues so from the time the bus stopped, we all dropped our bags, started taking of our clothes to reveal our swimsuits and went straight for the water. someone's ring had gotten lost with all our diving and we spent about an hour looking through the surf for it. not an easy thing to do since the waves could have washed it away. And yet we did find it. amazing. and they never once made me feel uneasy having been at my fattest weight at the time. It's nice to feel comfortable being yourself.
Today i woke up to a text message. I had no idea who it was but sounded like they knew me. Turns out the guys from my block in DLSU had gotten together for a lunch out and missed me too. Only one of them had my number so they all finally had a way to get in touch. I found out that two of the guys got married. The one i hung out with the most, brian is still finishing law and just told me that he plays the drums now. Again flashback to our college days...we were all just kids. We would watch plays for school and then end up at brian's bayside restaurant singing karaoke by the moonlight. Or we'd go all the way to RK's house in BF where we'd gorge on ice cream or beer - never both - while poking fun at each other. It seemed pretty innocent then. We even had a play for one class, it was called Vita Periculosi. I forgot what that meant but it was about the reality of life. Kind of like a modern day Jose Rizal life story. I was the jilted girlfriend of Brian who played the lead and had to cry on stage. hahaha. Another time, we had a class from 6pm-9pm that got cancelled. We had 2 hours to kill and we hung out in the small basketball court near SJ bldg. then it started to rain and so we just started dancing there. Singing, laughing and dancing in the rain like lunatics. Other break times we would take one of their cars to escape to a billiard hall in taft ave. for a game of pool. Stuff ourselves with pizza, coke and chips. Ana and i are really looking forward to seeing them sometime next week. It's been more than 5 years since the last time we all got together because once we started majoring, we all kind of went our separate ways. We still had the same "tambayan" but we'd just bump into each other for a few minutes before running off to our classes. It's nice to be remembered though. Fondly. They even still remember my blueberry cheesecake and oatmeal cookie classics! awww.
Last night was Yaku's final thursday as it finally closes its doors. Although there were rumours and jokes going around that it might have another month, but that's another story. Debbie and I were there to support the boys who made yaku thursdays a good habit to have. And also because our friendship wouldn't be what it is now if it hadn't started that thursday night when i first went to yaku to meet up with her. We hung out with sila francis in the long table by the wall. No band playing yet but we were all just talking and drinking the night away. Debbie and I have been inseparable ever since. It has then developed into the support system for Overtone. It's very hard to describe but with the friendship that Debbie, Cris and I have had for years...it seemed to have gotten even better with the inclusion of Frank, Norby and Jay. And that's the truth. I never want to be called a groupie (unless you want to suffer my wrath) because i would rather be considered a friend. I told them before that they always make us happy to which one of the boys replied: and you make us happy too. That's what we do. True that. It's something that should never be forgotten. It's just so sad that we won't have Yaku anymore.
don't you (forget about me) by simple minds |
| posted by maldita @ 12:18 AM
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| Wednesday, January 25, 2006 |
| my sundown |
i read somewhere that if you lack sleep, it's the same as being legally drunk. In another article they also said that the sun has an effect on your mood and energy.
The other day i only had two hours of sleep. I functioned properly during the day as if nothing happened. But around the time I had finished dinner, I was as conscious as a drunk who had downed more than ten jack cokes. I collapsed. in bed. with my laptop on resting on my tummy. while reading an email. I woke up a few hours later and groggily placed the laptop in a safer place. It's a good thing i barely moved while asleep. And the next day, as I opened my yahoo and gmail, I noticed that there were emails i was reading in my sleep. It seems so ridiculous but true. About ten of them.
I suppose it really isn't a healthy way to live. jobless or not. To only be awake and conscious during the evening, dancing and singing the night away with friends. I'm glad that i am consciously making the effort to change that bad habit - except for insomnia ridden nights where only a sleeping pill can help me. I mean, it's ok to go out and have fun a few nights a week but I also know that i need the next day to recuperate and then I have to go back to living and waking for the sunrays and bright light.
i don't really care to find out where the blame lies in this forsaken sleep. I just want to heal it like one of my many afflictions. Whoever stole my heart and left me without slumber for the past year or two is most likely gone anyway and thus, no closure or contemplation solves the predicament. It's just a habit that needs to be dealt with like any other.
I see it around me, I see it in everything.
I could be so much more than this.
With one hand high, you'll show them your progress.
You'll take your time, but no one cares.
I need you to show me the way from crazy.
I wanna be so much more than this.
Good Goodbye, lovely time
Good Goodbye, tinsel shine
Good Goodbye, I'll be fine
Good Goodbye, good goodnight.
my sundown by jimmy eat world |
| posted by maldita @ 7:25 PM
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| Tuesday, January 24, 2006 |
| she spreads her wings. |
you're a Muse!
Known for your creative powers, you Muses are the poets and musicians of life, the patrons of the fine arts. It's funny, though — even with your inspirational prowess, you're probably not the type to boast about your guitar-strumming skills, or your latest published book of verse.
While it's great when people flock to you for ideas, there probably is a part of you that prefers to blend in sometimes — whether dressing in muted shades or staking out a one-on-one conversation at parties and social events. But try as you might not to hog the spotlight, others can't help but notice you. Must be hard to be such a goddess!
Despite any lingering modesty, you might be surprised at how much your mere presence can help improve the lives of those around you by infusing them with ideas and good thoughts. With that kind of healing energy, your inspirational ways have the potential to change the world, Muse. Whether you're scribbling sonnets, boogying with your friends, or drawing your own constellations — you're tapped in. So keep your eyes wide open to the possibilities and let that inspiration flow!
What's Your Goddess Identity?
she spreads her wings by semisonic |
| posted by maldita @ 3:09 AM
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| Saturday, January 21, 2006 |
| the new year. |
ok i'll come clean. i DID have a new year's resolution...it's to keep my opinions to myself as much as possible. i think the beginning of the year i was doing pretty ok but now i think i've developed an ulcer and am now letting out little rampageous spurts of frustration.
but seriously, sometimes doing nothing let's things work out on their own. on their own time. i'm trying to integrate that into my system. it's really a challenge. but i suppose that resolution didn't mean i had to stop caring or feeling any emotion at all. I still get angry. I still disagree with others. I still feel down from time to time. I still feel protective about friends but I don't want to have to tell them what they need to do anymore. Everyone is old enough to be conscious of their every action. Isn't that what we want to be as adults? more responsible for ourselves before we can take care of others. or before we can expect others to be responsible for us.
Off topic: There's a thought that's been haunting me lately. You know how when we were babies, and cried when we wanted something? But if someone left the room, the crying stopped. No audience. It would start again once someone walked in the room. Ideally, since we're not babies anymore, we shouldn't purposely get into an obvious problem to get attention. But do we? I hate crying in public. I find it embarasssing and hate myself in the morning. I'd rather cry behind the enclosed walls of my room. or over the phone with a sympathetic friend who will give me comforting words. But some days you can't help it. Alcohol has a way of increasing your brat level or sensitivity to just about every goddarn thing in your way. I wish I could look back a whole year and say I didn't cry out for attention to feel better about myself. Ban the baby that needs to be coddled all the time! Just pat yourself on the back and realize "that no one ever died from a tantrum". When you have the proper, logical frame of mind - it's easier to see that problems will continue to plague us for as long as we continue to see them as such.
(Howl is stooped on the table and is starting to become covered in a sticky green slime.)
Markle: will he be okay?
Sophie: he'll be fine. No one's ever died from having a tantrum
- from Howl's Moving Castle
the new year by death cab for cutie |
| posted by maldita @ 12:11 AM
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| Thursday, January 19, 2006 |
| bulletproof glow. |
do i eat because i'm depressed or am i depressed because i eat?
i think the second one is right. but i'm not really depressed. wish i had less fat but at least i don't lack any limbs right?
i can't think of many things or people getting me down lately. I just want to be surrounded by good vibes. no drama. less emotional vampire-suckage. and lots and lots of laughter.
i can't even listen to anyone's problems anymore. either for venting purposes or for an advice objective. I honestly don't have the strength anymore. I'm saving all my energy focusing on looking for that new job. I've started to sleep early, wake up early and get as many productive hours as possible into the day. I think there's this thin layer blocking any frowns and whines that could affect me...but it could also be the one keeping a lot of what i eat in. so now i'm back to my fat weight. yeesh.
last week i got to spend an evening with the girls. our intention was to discuss our migration plans but ended up talking about cooking recipes, (as expected) men, and cracked up with tons of jokes and taunts. i think our cackling echoed through valero street since we spent most of our time in cristina's balcony with the city streetlights keeping us company. We finished about two bottles of wine and by that time we were in high spirits to hit the town.
we planned to actually discuss the paperwork and time schedule again sometime this week. over tea now, instead of alcohol. let's see if that will actually work out.
a lot of the guys have been giving the thumbs up to my recent fascination with scrubs. I had no idea many of them liked watching it as much as i do. hehe. as M said today - it's a good way to spend my days...more like my nights.
Another sweet friend who could possibly make me choke on my food with a smile is S who just got back from hongkong. Think he's leaving tomorrow already but not before we all had a big dinner. I am still unsure as to how i could have eaten that much between giggling...even if it WAS Sugi. Then that same night i rushed over to Rockwell to meet up with Chris, Al, Debbie, Frank and Alistair to catch a nice little light movie.
Ironically you will hear the loudest guffaws emanating from my days now. And yet it also has a very subdued and steady mood.
At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities. ~Jean Houston
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. ~e.e. cummings
Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on. ~Bob Newhart
bulletproof glow by steve betrand/avion |
| posted by maldita @ 11:56 PM
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| Wednesday, January 18, 2006 |
| some things are better left unsaid. |
it's restless scene when you meet the new girlfriend of a guy you used to go out with. I swear you notice little beads of sweat on the guy's forehead wondering if you will slip because- by the way, he never mentioned that at some point in the past - you were more than friends. I also see the girls giving me a smile but the eyes have a suspicious inquiry of some sort. yeah man, that was a really long dinner! hahaha.
but I was very careful. There's a reason why i'm still friends with the guy and the last thing i want is to ruin his really great relationship. I expect that he has already told her all she needs to know but without any prep-time...it's hard to tell which pieces of info those are.
It's even worse knowing from other friends that she's a jealous one. So i try to put her mind at ease by asking her questions also. It easy to feel left out when your man's whole bunch of buddies are talking about stuff we did before she came along. And very often we all try to remember a certain movie we watched or who was with us at the time, i just give a very small hint or hardly finish my sentences just so i wouldn't have to say that we were on a date or whatever.
phew. to be friends with your past flames is like constantly walking on eggshells with their present girls but i suppose it's not meant to be easy. If it was, then we would be seeing it more often. At least i was blessed with the ability to completely forget or detach myself from an intimate relationship so as to work on the other that will last longer.
I always give full disclosure though when it comes to my own man. i think it would make him seem a bit ignorant or oblivious if he didn't. I want that when confronted by a guy that he had dated me, my man would just say - yeah i know. I think he would appear stronger that way...it would show that we have a very open relationship and that no man can get the better of him. but alas, that hasn't worked with past boyfriends whose insecurities resurface and then use the full disclosure clause as their own courtroom drama of jealous accusations. Ugh.
so for the next one: if you want to know then ask. if you don't want to know then don't ask. but don't blame me if you see a guy walking on eggshells in front of you over dinner. he's just trying to make sure he won't tell you something that you should have already known in the first place.
some things are better left unsaid by hall and oates |
| posted by maldita @ 7:31 PM
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| Tuesday, January 17, 2006 |
| snakeface. |
a girl bud of mine called me this morning...she needed help with a very popular dilemma. one of her close friends was macking on the guy she's had her eye on for months. I think the difference with men and women is that men can fix this by just asking permission. It's cool. Either it's an agreement of the best man winning or someone offers to step back. But women? never touch another woman's stew. especially if she's still trying to get it to simmer.
A bad indication that this is happening is if this idea comes from the man in between. It could be his ego imagining it or he purposely wants the fantasy of women mud-wrestling for his affections. The best confirmation is with your own eyes. you can notice these things easily. Us women know flirting when we see it right? when she comes in the party and makes a bee line for him. And then only noticing your presence after several minutes. Or her offering him a drink, as well as his best buddies but neglecting to see your piercing gaze right beside her stinging cheek. Her constant contact with him, under the guise of fishing for you but really, she's been doing it so much she practically memorizes his number. We all know women's tactics to get a man to notice them...from personal experience.
I really didn't know what to tell my friend. My scheming soul says - trip her (while holding a glass of red wine) and then say oops. Give her the all knowing stare. Point out that her pushup bra is screaming - whore right here! Get your girlfriends to help you lock her in the bathroom. Present sarcastic comments to which she will reveal her best flirting/acting skill - feigning innocence. "what are you talking about? of course not! i don't know what you're talking about" blink blink. Works with the easily swayed men but you ain't them. Sigh, unfortunately there really is no way to handle it.
So I was left with...walk away. Really. If the man is gullible enough to fall for it then good for him. He wants a skank, he'll get one. When the next hotter or richer man comes along she'll drop him anyway. You on the other hand, don't need a snake for a friend. Even better is when you walk away and the man leaves her hanging to follow you. wink wink. ha! in your face biatch! i always wanted to say that. heehee.
snakeface by throwing muses |
| posted by maldita @ 9:49 PM
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| all in my head. |
I think i was Cox in a past life, or at least wish i had his skill to make sassy, snappy remarks. Or maybe it's all in my head but i'm too polite to say anything. And if you're smart, you'll realize that he's got the biggest heart. he just knows that some people need to take the bitter pill in order to get better:
"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies: Will they, won't they, and then they finally do and they're happy forever -- gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced, anyway. And I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, 'cause I do...believe in it. Bottom line...is the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they don't let it take 'em down."
I am going to break you into a thousand pieces that even my grandmother who can finish a thousand piece puzzle in less than an hour of clear blue sky can't put you back together even if by some miracle she goes back in time when her eyesight was perfect.
Elliot: "Does this shade of red make me look like a clown?"
Cox: "No, it makes you look like a prostitute that caters exclusively to clowns."
"I know you and I have never really connected - maybe that's because you're relentlessly annoying, or maybe it's my fault because I can't tolerate relentlessly annoying people - I don't know."
Carla: "Are you just gonna roll over like that? Where's the outrage? The anger? The hate? You've gone soft."
Cox: "Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present Man Not Caring."
"So what you're saying is you have a problem that is totally your problem but you'd like to find a way to make that problem my problem, but here's the problem, newbie, it ain't my problem."
Lemme ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside somebody's clogged artery when all that person has to do, really is - oh, I don't know - go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that? And, I know here, I know I'm supposed to be Dr. Give-A-Crap, but you wanna hear the God's honest truth? And this is a fact: you are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?
all in my head by shawn mullins |
| posted by maldita @ 6:47 AM
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| Sunday, January 15, 2006 |
| magic medicine. |
i've been watching Scrubs DVDs everyday now...started with the first season and will be working my way to present time. sarcastic, sadistic and scintillating humor. the writer of this show is brilliant and his lines just whip you into a facetious frenzy. and i thought House was satirical.
Seeing as i'm hiding out and all...it's nice to have this kind of company at home with you. the last things i want to hear about are angst, whines and whatever dark clouds are looming about. denial and delusion can be good once in a while for sanity and a semblance of peace.
magic medicine by incubus |
| posted by maldita @ 8:04 AM
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| Saturday, January 14, 2006 |
| karma killer. |
if i was a superhero, i might be gadget geek girl.
two weeks ago, i felt really awful. Someone had stolen my digital camera from my bag. I've had it since 2003 and it was the first digital camera i bought. i think i cried for an hour about it - running to a, n, e, and m for sympathy and comfort. i'm sure tons of you may think that it could be a tad too much to cry over a thing but you have to understand how long it took me to find that particular cam, with that particular color and how i never gave up on it's 2megapixel ass even when all these 5megapix ones started coming out. it's got so much sentimental value, you can't imagine. and i didn't let it go, someone took it from me. from my bag. in the middle of a pile of other bags. in capones. sucks like shit.
so stupid. i took SO many pictures the night it was stolen because that's when martin suprised us all...and now i have no pixies of him during his short visit here. whoever that bitch (i have SUCH a gut feel it's a girl) is has pics of me and my friends at her disposal. sigh again. i believe in karma but as my brother said, it would be even better to personally deliver that karma.
i find solace in the thought that i know exactly what my first salary is going to. but it's difficult when i see several instances and events which i want to capture. sigh. i try not to think about it often.
i also haven't had a working printer in about 2 months. my 3 year old epson has broken down and i've tried everything. it's completely hopeless. to have it repaired would cost as much as a new printer so i went out and bought one instead:
So far it has been pretty great. standard printing looks like a high quality setting in others and the camera shots are even better. (time to buy photo paper again?) some people have asked if it's the "toaster" one...yep, doesn't it look like bread could pop up at any moment? it takes up less legroom than my old epson and is tucked neatly in the little corner of my desk. it's also USB so i don't have that huge bulky parallel cable and the power cables are also smaller, thus taking up less space.
I was shopping around for this for several days so i just have to mention the price - in almost all the shops it cost 2295 but there's hardly any stock. but i found about 6 units in Octagon in Park Square 1 and they were selling it for 2k. It must be the first time that Octagon has sold something cheaper than in other outlets. As soon as i got home my mom found out how much i got it and now she wants one of her own.
Well, so far i've used it for my files on job applications and hopefully it gives me some luck too. I have to forsake some of my organizing tasks because i need a camera for it (i have a catalog of all my bag and shoes. Shoeboxes are also labeled with a pic of its contents) I'm also preparing for some projects that will hopefully fill my days with more than coffee, cigarettes and alcohol. i can't tell you how bored i am every single day now. it's driving me nuts!
when a baby cries because he/she lost its toy what do you do? give it a new one! and he/she instantly stops crying for the old one. not forgotten but distracted. hehe.
karma killer by robbie williams |
| posted by maldita @ 7:53 AM
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| Thursday, January 12, 2006 |
| we believe. |
good luck on friday the 13th...
Quote:
Engineers and architects go to great lengths to soothe our superstition. Skyscrapers and hotels have no 13th floor; airplanes have no 13th aisle. But the joke is on triskaidekaphobics, of course, since the 13th aisle is sitting right there behind the 12th, obviously -- it's just labeled as 14 to hoodwink you into relaxing.
My dad is a funny man. remember when final exams in school (i was in the fourth grade or something) would obviously end on a friday, one such time ended on friday the 13th and while all my friends wanted to go out in the afternoon after the morning tests had come and gone, my dad wouldn't let me go out. and he doesn't want to be termed as superstitious. he could have just been looking for an excuse to make me stay home but it's still funny how we are ruled by what we believe in and not what could be real.
i always read my horoscope. almost everyday. sometimes it rings true and sometimes it doesn't. some people call me unreligious for even considering what these signs tell me but i don't believe them. i don't think God would condemn you for believing in horoscopes or the supernatural. it's still a part of this world and does not really do much harm. it's people who inflict harm on others. physical or emotional.
last night i went to bed at around 10pm. pretty early for an insomniac like me. i was supposed to take sleeping pills just so i wouldn't have such a difficult time. it's all really psychological. and i woke up automatically at 6am. my average sleep time is usually 6 six hours. close enough. and i hope this is a good habit to start. going out every night and staying in capones till late prohibits my system from adjusting into a clock that would be approved by a job. i feel better today - lots of time to get tasks done. i still haven't decided if i want to go out tonight. and just when daddy can't make it as an excuse anymore. it's nice to make my own decisions.
somehow it seems more attractive to stay home, order pizza and watch dvd's with my brother. I still have the complete second season of Coupling to watch. Jack Davenport is an adorable, stuttering pile of hilarity. a good laugh is all i need.
we believe by good charlotte |
| posted by maldita @ 8:16 PM
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| Wednesday, January 11, 2006 |
| strong. |
i look in the mirror and i see the face of a forty year old. wrinkled, sunken and tired from the downward smile. i think its the reason why my normal face has been accused of being mataray, pouty or just plain sad. it pushes people away. maybe what your mother said was true - you make that face so much, it will get stuck that way.
and i have the heart of a thirty year old. having lived and loved with passion and no thought of self-preservation. it has a rusty door due to the markings of jadedness but it still flows. it still works. no matter how many cigarettes i use to weld it shut.
and i still have the mind of a twenty year old. always interested and curious. excited by the unknown and keen to learn more.
but the face also learns to smile or put on a mask. the heart remains hidden for as long as i want it to remain that way. it survives. and there's so much knowledge and wisdom to absorb in the living, breathing world. so the mind is constantly satisfied. as a whole i guess it's all good.
i'm scared of what else i'll see in the test results from several check-ups i'm scheduled to have next week.
i think i posted this same song in the past but what the heck.
My breath smells of a thousand fags
And when I'm drunk I dance like me Dad...
Early morning when I wake up
I look like Kiss but without the make up...
And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow so before
I'm old I'll confess
You think that I'm strong you're wrong...
Life's too short to be afraid
So take a pill to numb the pain
You don't have to take the blame...
strong by robbie williams |
| posted by maldita @ 10:52 AM
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| Tuesday, January 10, 2006 |
| still fighting it. |
here i am hungover and don't feel like a million dollars due to having overslept again. got a wake up call from martin before he left for bora. went back to sleep. got another wake up call from frances. went back to sleep.
i think i'll stop the drinking binge this week first. my temper seems to rise during these times as fast as my budgets decrease. i heard some hurtful words last night that seemed to have been etched in my brain. it even materialized in my dream. it's so sad when you think someone is a friend but yet they can be so mean at times in a fit of retaliation from something less than what they thought. Or worse, they were just insensitive to your feelings.
i don't even need a romantic relationship to break my heart anymore. but i don't want to go back to my depression that started the end of october last year. it's not worth it. i even remember making a statement to debbie sometime during the evening that i'm such a bitch. but you know what, i'm only a bitch because i've always had mean friends who think they can take advantage of me whenever they can. and they did. but after being stepped all over and grinded into the ground all throughout high school and college, mainly because they knew i could never fight back - i know i don't deserve that. and i'd rather be alone than be subjected to that again. and i've learned to fight back. but with that comes 'the bitch' that you think i am.
but i've tried to control it. i know i can be tough and hurtful as well and so my best bet is to shut up. i've had several arguments with friends and boyfriends and i prefer not to talk until i've calmed down. because my words are like knives that can kill, especially when i'm that emotionally pumped up. sometimes i cry about it just so i don't have to discuss it anymore. sometimes i tell another friend - not to backbite but more to vent because it isn't a big enough deal to merit a session of long-winded pain. i've learned to accept people for who they are and what they can't change. hard to believe but it's really because i truly love them, no matter how many times they can irritate me or frustrate me. it doesn't diminish my care for them. i've gone through groups of friends who would tell me every little mistake i made and therefore reduced me into a pulp of insecurity. i don't ever want to do that to another human being. so this decision comes from a position of experience.
i may be known for my brutal honesty but this always comes from a position of telling you what you need to know (again, based on my opinion and i'm not always right) and not what you want to know. but i know it can be too much for some to take, so i always ask permission before giving it. if you don't want to hear my opinion, i totally respect that and i keep my views to myself. simple.
hmm...i don't think i've ever really talked about this to anyone before. and i'm posting it in a very public blog. geez. the only time i've had to confront all this is when i had roommates where i had a blast from the past - someone who knows she stepped all over me in high school. and another who was slowly beginning to do the same. and i was fighting back. this brought a realization to the guilty-party-of-the-past and an explanation for my rage for the other. at this point we had a long discussion where screams and tears were maximized. and i got the apology i never got ten years ago. we're all like sisters now. accepted each other for who we are and more importantly, what we change into.
it's a work-in-progress, this self-awareness and self-regulation. and contrary to what some friends have joked me about - i'm not really that mean. i'm not really a bitch. a bitch doesn't have a conscience, someone consistently mean for mean's sake. it's like the incredible hulk syndrome actually, the bitch only resurfaces when provoked. and i don't think anyone wants to be the punching bag of a someone's bad mood. all i can say now is ouch.
still fighting it by ben folds five |
| posted by maldita @ 9:53 PM
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| take it or leave it. |
organizing my movie collection i noticed I'm a big fan of Woody Allen. His idiosyncratic script with insights into the human relationship helps me ponder and guffaw at the same time.
So i was pretty delighted to catch one of his movies on cable today - Anything Else. Starring Jason Biggs and Cristina Ricci. Where amongst several lines belittling pyschoanalysis and our pathetic dependence on others he talked of a standup joke he had heard:
A guy goes to his doctor and says, doc it hurts everytime i move my hand like this (shakes hand). And the doctor goes, then stop doing it.
Pain was created for us to know when something is not good for us. Imagine if we didn't feel pain then we wouldn't know if our hand was burning until we notice we don't even have a hand anymore.
take it or leave it by the strokes |
| posted by maldita @ 4:04 AM
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| Monday, January 09, 2006 |
| a lack of color. |
You are Teal.
Your dominant hues are green and blue. You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well.
Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right.
Your outlook on life can be bright or dark, depending on the situation. You are flexible and see things objectively.
the spacefem.com html color quiz
in a moment of irrationality, i said that i wish my life had more drama. it sounds similar to a previous request for more passion. but i know that if i do get what i wish for, i'm really going to regret it. I guess it's because i don't perceive drama in the usual bad light but more about having some driving force that gets me up in the morning, makes me laugh out loud or fuses my moods with some reason.
a lack of color by deathcab for cutie |
| posted by maldita @ 12:22 AM
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| Saturday, January 07, 2006 |
| never said anything. |
i once had a friend going through a very difficult breakup. and he described it as if his arms were being pulled in opposite directions. each direction is so painful but even remaining immobile is no refuge from suffering.
sometimes friends can feel that way. torn in half between giving advice -which could be taken as meddling or simply a wrong point of view - and suffering in silence. the latter could also be taken as insensitivity or lack of consideration.
i think i've put my own support system on that same painful road. But my own stance is, if i ask for advice that's when you give it. If not, don't. And i usually do ask for advice because my friends see things differently. Not always the right one but nonetheless coming from a position of care and love. How many times have i called for emergency coffee dates and dinner meetings with friends to give them an update and hearing what they have to say about it. And then they find out that i didn't follow their advice. and learn my lesson the hard way anyways.
This happens because no one can be right all the time. especially when it comes to relationships, there really isn't some big formula or rulebook to follow. But i value their opinion because one line just might jolt me into a state of revelation. Your buds with several years worth of knowledge on YOU have gone through most of the men (or women) in your past and thus would have an idea as to how things develop. (How does that line go...fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...)Like making the same mistakes which you find it hard to distinguish due to the incurable blinders that infatuation/love brings with it.
I shudder to think of the times when i had close calls with failed relationships or even potential relationships...thank the heavens for "meddlers" and "tough love". I know that I wouldn't be this discerning of finding my match if not for these effective methods of intervention.
i never said there was anything
i never said there was anything wrong
- Never said anything by Steven Strait (from the soundtrack of Undiscovered)
lyrics still not available.
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| posted by maldita @ 2:20 AM
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| Friday, January 06, 2006 |
| [if i ever] feel better. |
Listen to this song. It best summarizes how i feel now - with both it's lyrics and the warm fuzzy feeling i get when the melody soothes my mind.
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life that I can't control
They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that' s fading away
You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
Hang on to the good days
I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times
But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe
Blame me for what's happening
I can't try, I can't try, I can't try...
No one knows the hard times I went through
If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over
I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait...
It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away
Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know.
I'll never stop appreciating and being grateful for my friends. They make me happy. When i'm with them, inebriated or otherwise, i find it hard to grasp any reason for sadness. Reality hits you hard from time to time, like a blow to the jaw with a 10 pound fist. But then no matter what it deals you, your buds will always bring the ice or the kiss to make the pain go away.
if i ever feel better by phoenix
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| posted by maldita @ 8:11 PM
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| Wednesday, January 04, 2006 |
| turn to the sky. |
do you remember this movie? Some Kind of Wonderful.
I wanted to be Watts. actually i used to dress like her.
can't find my black vest anymore. and i want to wear it now!
i think i'll skip the ripped denim cutt-offs though.
i'm not a drummer but the bass comes close. still playing music.
and this chick had the best lines.
Don't go mistaking paradise for a pair of long legs.
It must be a drag to be a slave to the male sex drive.
Break his heart and i'll break your face.
turn to the sky by the march violets from the Some Kind of Wonderful soundtrack |
| posted by maldita @ 8:48 AM
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| just watch the fireworks! |
happy new year!
i'm late with this post. i had an excuse that i'd been in hongkong for the past week but i had gotten back last january 2. It's a bit unnatural that i've avoided writing anything. i'll just say my usual response to the what's new with you query: nothing. absolutely nothing.
haven't met anyone over my vacation. didn't lose weight. still not working the corporate roads. my family and i just relaxed most of the time. friends greeted through the mobile waves. so have i covered it all? friends, family, work, lovelife...did i miss anything from the top topics of conversation?
but with nothing aside from uncertainty ahead of me, of course i'm immensely positive. i still get the periodic jabs of betrayal from a certain girl friend. i still get left out from some secrets or inner workings. i still don't think i'm special to those who i consider vital to my existence. but they are few and far between. and least it's up to me to make it so.
i had a message from my gut the past few days imagining a certain friend walking in a door as a pleasant surprise and it happened. the powers of positive thinking? maybe. i just want to keep this lightness in my being for as long as i can.
for today i'll just finish learning these two new songs to hopefully play tomorrow and download some videos for my pod. tomorrow i plan to buy a new printer, my book list and play a game of tennis.
just watch the fireworks by jimmy eat world |
| posted by maldita @ 5:04 AM
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