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| Tuesday, February 28, 2006 |
| there goes the fear. |
the lyric fiend strikes again...i've been cleaning up a lot of my playlists and found this. time to rest the wrinkles of worry. sometimes it's best to revel in status quo instead of thinking too much. ride the natural, comfortable flow of the tide.
Out of here
We're out of here
Out of heartache
Along with fear
There goes the fear again
There goes the fear
And cars speed fast
Out of here
And life goes past
Again so near
There goes the fear again
There goes the fear
Close your brown eyes
And lay down next to me
Close your eyes, lay down
'Cos there goes the fear
Let it go
All that's in my head now is a semi-conscious dream...with the sun. Always with the sun. But there's a cool breeze blowing. Is it sand of a beach? or maybe a blanket on the grass. There's a basket on the side filled with my favorite crackers, a little jam, or some canned caviar and cream cheese. Lemons or lime or oranges and apples. Bottles either to quench the thirst or to sabotage reservations. A good book on my hand. My head snuggled on someone's lap. Now that's a luxury of a lovely day.
There goes the Fear by The Doves |
posted by maldita @ 1:51 AM
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| Friday, February 24, 2006 |
| begin. |
I feel like i haven't written anything concrete in a while. Anything that reveals or repairs my dark and damaged soul. There is a huge chunk of me that is afraid – of who might read it. Of being summed up as a total of my insignificance. But there’s that small voice that needs release. Or I shall remain silently mad and no one needs to know any better.
I don’t have any altruistic ambitions in life – I don’t save lives like doctors or firemen. I am an artist who finds creation to be a painful process. Truthfully. Because whenever I paint or draw, I capture a haunting ghost and pull it out while fighting resistance.
The other day I dreamt I was in an old white house. And there was a soothsayer of sorts. When everyone had left the happy bubbly place, he was left there just relaxed and sitting on a nice little blanket. I looked at him and smiled. And then he said,”You are a good person. You take the time to help strangers when they ask. And you smile at people to make them feel good and comfortable in this busy place.”
I thought about it for a while and realized that maybe he was right. With all that I have been through, lost and lonely. Weary and wandering. I make certain that no one around me feels that way. It would explain an unyielding need to help out that girl sitting in a corner, inebriated out of her wits, to get a glass of water and find her way home. Or giving a piece of candy to every beggar knocking on my car door. But is that enough? Working within the comfortable confines of my means. Or should I take a bigger risk?
Looking into the dark side of the moon, a block starts to form within my throat. Which is why I refrain from going there. But ignorance does not erase it from existing. It just festers within like an extinguished passion, only to need one little spark to burst again.
Will our life not be a tunnel between two vague clarities? Or will it not be a clarity between two dark triangles? – Pablo Neruda
I don’t know how to begin on a new road. I know I’d like to be there. A state of my life where I am satisfied that I am giving back to the world. And yet I can’t even bring myself to join the Medical Mission each year. How do I expect to make it a resounding foundation of my life and not even have the gall to contribute a week of my life to that emotional rampage? I hear stories and I even watched im’s documentary which I found heart-wrenching to say the least.
I need to take baby steps. I’m not as steadfast as I’d wish to be. Maybe because I have yet to take care of myself before I can begin to do the same for other people. And in my standards, I’m not doing a good job of that yet. It’s more about internal resolve than about moving to a new location. Because your self-state, mature or otherwise, will follow you to the next town anyway.
I'm walking down broadway
Each foot step is a new love letter
I'm trying to make eye contact
With each and every stranger that I pass
Thinking about the city
It's living proof people need to be together
I'm thinking about how I just want to open up
And give and give and give
And it's ok for you to care
Cause I can feel you in the air
And while you wonder "how's this gonna end?"
I only want it to begin
Begin by Ben Lee |
| posted by maldita @ 3:39 AM
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| Thursday, February 23, 2006 |
| it's all been done. |
it's such a nice relaxing sunny afternoon. Hard to believe the president just declared a state of emergency and everyone is being sent home from offices and schools. for reasons i do not want to share, the day started out really good. But for one thing, I woke up early even if we had stayed out late lastnight to finish the boys' gig at ponti. Maybe because i refused drinks early enough to have kept myself in a state of sobriety.
but all this daydreaming today is leading me to procrastinate yet again on putting together my talk for next week. I wish i was at the tennis courts, rays of light shining down on me, while pounding a good workout. I had stopped playing this week because of my colds and cough. Last friday it was already starting that i had to make several stops during one single game so as not to collapse. I feel deprived without the exercise. I think i'll try to wake up bright and early on sunday to join my dad in a game before going to mass.
i'm supposed to be going on this group date thing with some friends tonight. I moved it from greenbelt to rockwell just so we can avoid the riot-tempting ayala avenue. At least in a worst case scenario, i could walk home. I also think i'll cancel tomorrow's lunch with the 308 girls. These appointments aren't really imperative matters.
I'm trying not too get irritated with this whole thing but i just feel like there are too many ignorant filipinos who are misinformed and enticed to walk the streets in protest and for what? to overthrow the government - yet again? to bring back erap? are they crazy? we are supposedly a democracy and yet instead we're creating an anarchy. Is that all we know what to do - organize rallies for the rest of our lives every February of the year? sigh. And so now the investors and businesses will go down for fear of instability in our country. And then they'll blame the president for it when it's their own actions that caused it all. She may not be perfect and i don't really like her but this shouldn't be the only solution.
And i wish Cory would just stay home. And stop trying to relive her glory days for goodness sakes.
it's all been done by barenaked ladies |
| posted by maldita @ 11:53 PM
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| Wednesday, February 22, 2006 |
| the cigarette song. |
you don't need to be a smoker to enjoy this. Of course i was only tempted to check out this trailer because of zach braff's (i love you, tiger!) recommendation. And i have to agree with him, it's one of the funniest trailers. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Actually it's more about evil PR than about the carcinogenic addictive product that is ideally promoted by someone who is "indiana jones meets jerry maguire...on two packs a day" I think perfect casting with Aaron Eckhart as the lead. I wonder if they'll make a movie soon entitled: i quit smoking cigarettes. just weed now. hahahaha! heard that once from a guy and it still cracks me up.
ugh. doesn't that butt just look so hideous?
i know the lyrics don't seem to talk about smoking at all but the title is apt.
the cigarette song by all-american rejects |
| posted by maldita @ 3:11 AM
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| Tuesday, February 21, 2006 |
| walk on the ocean. |
talks for the beach outing this summer has commenced! i'm so excited! i can't wait to get well so i can continue my tennis workout of three times a week to get more fit. and prepare for the summer sun too!
let's hope not all the rooms have been booked yet at the planned place. As much as i like organizing, i can't take charge of the arrangements because of past frustrations so asked frank if he could handle headcount and contacts. He would be much better at that than anyone. and also he's just as excited to leave the city.
i was just recreating the scenario with him...we'll all just relax in our little beach-basking bubble. i don't really care how many are going as long as we're with friends and are comfy. there's a buffet being served. we can bring some booze. there's a bonfire at night. the budget is feasible and no crowds to worry about. aaaah. i can smell the sea air now. roadtrip!!! giddy goodie gumdrops!
walk on the ocean by toad the wet sprocket
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| posted by maldita @ 11:22 PM
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| everything's cliche. |
ignorance is bliss.
but delusion can devastate
without logic or reality
you cannot go in any direction.
there is no starting point.
with your self-centerdness,
you forget to be considerate of others.
unless you want to live alone
in your own little imaginary world.
and no man is an island.
you scream and you cry
you throw stones and wonder why
no reactions. no retaliation.
just a wall created around yourself.
i heard the best way to help yourself is to help others.
everything's cliche by thirdworldproject + chris mazo |
| posted by maldita @ 7:58 PM
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| Monday, February 20, 2006 |
| medicine. |
was high on happy tuesday
was drunk as a skunk friday
was conflicted with a cold saturday
now i'm cordoned by cough
with benadryl antihistamine.
medicine by two ton shoe |
| posted by maldita @ 11:00 PM
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| Tuesday, February 14, 2006 |
| surrogate valentine. |
My daddy is the best valentine! :)
I had a long ass entry for today but decided to keep it as draft. You can see how i felt about valentine's day in past entries (2003 2004 2005) and i just think that today has been one of the better ones. Pre-party with friends to meet the day head on...whole day with my family and little suprises care of my wonderful daddy...and now i'm about to get ready to meet up with the brady bunch at the princess pad for some tapas and vino before going to capones for the sentri-trip infested gig.
Today is meant to celebrate love. With or without a reason for romance, it's enough that i see the sweetness in my favorite couple of all time.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Surrogate Valentine by Goh Nakamura |
| posted by maldita @ 4:11 AM
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| Monday, February 13, 2006 |
| beautiful day(s). |
You should never say never. Like my doctor friend who said he would never play golf because he hated the stereotype. He was also a commitment phobe. Now...he's married. and plays golf.
I hate maintenance. I feel like having a skincare regimen or any kind of system for my body is not necessary and is only reserved for very vain people. I like everything to be as simple as possible. like I don't have any three-step program for my face. I've seen a lot of girlfriends have every possible cream and moisturizer and they have the worst complexions. i've had ivory and water for years and i rarely get a zit. maybe once a year at most. So don't fix when there's nothing to fix.
BUT. now i guess I've given in. Age has caught up with me so i think they were right when they said i should use moisturizer on my face. Got advice from frances to use this apricot scrub for hands and feet which i also use for my legs to get them smooth. And then some of the girls gave me Phytomer body declic (doesn't it sound delicious?)contouring emulsion which is meant to firm up and tighten skin. Note: it is NOT to lose weight. Which leads me to tennis. After playing four straight days i noticed I am finally starting to feel lighter. It's a slow but productive start. I stop for a few days though to recuperate but my goal is to at least get into a regular 3 or 4-day program which i could still keep after i find the next job. I'm also happy to be getting tanner each time. I've moved from the shell court to the open hard court with tan amplifier all over my boodey - i may not look it yet but at least i can smell like i came from the beach.
Next is I want to rid my legs of any unwanted marks. So i got the extraderm exfoliant that my friend's wife recommended. It worked on most of the tiny little spots that irritate me...but my goal of having flawless silky legs will just have to wait until I go back to my doctor. See, not many people know this but I have skin asthma. So i am allergic to my own sweat, as well as so many other things. If I ever need to, I use this cream he gives me to help heal any wounds or itchy allergies. But i've run out. So i gotta get another prescription again. I used to revel in the fact that I was the only one in my family without the usual kind of asthma but when i got older it surfaced in my skin. bummer.
As per my dad's advice also...I took some sleeping pills over the weekend to get my nocturnal snoozies fixed. Coupled with some other pills called St. John's Wort which I've only heard of in comic strips in the past. It's supposed to calm you down. And then I've also tried this Detoxi-pad that norby told me about. It's a patch you put on your foot while you sleep which sucks out all the toxins from your body for 8-10 hours. So last night I slept with socks on. Just to make sure the patch stayed put. And woke up and checked it out...and found this icky icky green goo. Thank God it was contained in the patch. I wouldn't want to know what that smelled or felt like. Although a part of me is still skeptical whether it's just all bullshit. Oh well. no harm except for the money i already used to buy it..
So basically...i have turned into a tedious monster. Lots of skin tanners, creams. scrubs, lotions. And I'm vain enough to ask friends to take down some pictures on their multiply site because I look hideous...
But I think all of this might be a good refocus of energies from old bad habits. So now I can "leave with no regrets".
Well she wants to live her life
Then she thinks about her life
Pulls her hair back as she screams
I don’t really wanna live this life
She only drinks coffee at midnight, when the moment is not
Right, her timing is quite-unusual
You see her confidence is tragic, but her intuition magic
And the shape of her body - unusual
- Meet Virginia by Train
beautiful world by colin hay |
| posted by maldita @ 3:07 AM
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| Friday, February 10, 2006 |
| open heart surgery. |
Story 1: About two or three years ago, I had dinner with an ex-boyfriend and some of his friends. I had just recently broken up with someone and since my old ex is a great friend, he takes me out to cheer me up. There was this new guy who popped by and hung out with us but we didn't really talk much. Just a bit. A week later quiet guy calls me up, says he got my number from my ex and says: are you free this wednesday? you want to go out for dinner? I said sure. And think we dated (notice the use of this term) for about three months before it all just went kaput. I remember the details - AND that phone call as one of many - this clearly. Got a phone call. Got asked out. He picked me up. He paid. He took care of me (without smothering) the whole night. He brought me home. Now, for me that constitutes a date. But quiet boy had always told me - i don't date.
I thought he was a fluke. Just someone with a different kind of mentality. But turns out he's one of many. All I've encountered recently are guys who give the same statement. They replace the term with hang out or hook up or meet up. In some instances it's true due to possibly my having previous plans with friends or he has plans with some other girl. I suppose it's because using the word "date" is like a lock down. But even when i start saying I'm going out with this guy, i actually mean it. No dinners or a movie just by your twosome. No gallant paying of the bill. Then what i say is true. To some of these guys, they just don't make whatever they say coincide with what's actually happening in reality. Or maybe it's just too much to expect a proper date anymore. Everyone's just trying to protect themselves.
Story 2: Friend starts dating guy. Guy was a friend of someone I used to date back in high school. We were just acquaintances but we give the general greetings when we see each other. During the few weeks they've been going out she keeps asking me what i think about him and I tell her I've always thought he was a great catch so go for it. One day he decides to join her and her friends for lunch. This includes me. He's so quiet and cannot possibly get into a lunch conversation with about ten gossiping girls. I notice this so I make small talk since I'm the only one he already knows. Just so he's not staring into the ceiling and pass out. Fast forward to two weeks later and she says," Don't get mad k. But he said something like "what happened to her? she used to be more put together and she's also fat now."...exact words. According to my friend anyway. I've been harboring this for over a year now. She dumped him for her own reasons and I was secretly happy he had to suffer a bit even without my help. So a few days ago we saw each other out and seeing as he was drunk and i was fairly the same, I said "so did you really call me fat?" And he said, "no! i said you used to be hot." Fuck. Thanks. At least you're honest.
I think in the past month I've had to bump into or get introduced to people who had know me or of me since high school...or college or even while I was working on my first job. And they've said the same damn thing - I used to have a crush on you. Or I used to think you were hot. Both are not exactly flattering statements. But i doubt they even realize that. I usually laugh it off and walk away, if only to attempt not thinking about it. But once said, it just creates a small-surfaced but deep enough prick of a wound. Kind of like when that stilletto jabbed into my toe last week.
I don't think I can take much more of these emotional battering rams. I'm now going to do my best to just stay away from any potential inflictions on my now-apparently-un-hot-body or slaps on my now-apparently-un-crushable-face. I never used to understand why this girl i know had decided to hide from the public eye for years because she had gained weight. Now I can totally see and agree. I know what my friends are going to say - don't mind them. To which I can reply, how can you not mind something that's thrown in your face by some stranger or otherwise and you're subsequently forced to choke it down on a weekly basis?
Open Heart Surgery by Brian Jonestown Massacre
Originally thought to be sung by The Bravery but research shows it's really by BJM from their album: Bravery, Repetition and Noise. I stand corrected. |
| posted by maldita @ 9:25 PM
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| stars. |
Maybe I've been the problem, maybe I'm the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself,
the outcome feels the same
I've been thinkin maybe I've been partly cloudy,
maybe I'm the chance of rain
Maybe I'm overcast, and
maybe all my lucks washed down the drain
I've been thinking 'bout everyone, everyone you look so lonely
But when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars I see someone else
When I look at the stars,
the stars, I feel like myself
Stars lookin at our planet watching entropy and pain
And maybe start to wonder how
the chaos in our lives could pass as sane
I've been thinking bout the meaning of resistance,
of a hope beyond my own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent begin to look like home
everyone, everyone we feel so lonely
everyone, yeah everyone we feel so empty
When I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars I feel like myself
When I look at the stars, the stars
I see someone...
stars by switchfoot |
| posted by maldita @ 3:02 AM
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| Tuesday, February 07, 2006 |
| overkill. |
Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it. - Mark Twain
This phrase always rang true for me. It kept me going through so much shit and bile. My understanding of it is that you don't really have courage to begin with. You only acquire courage after you've acted in spite of fear. So no matter how scary one such experience could be, the only way to get courage is to jump, eyes open or not.
Last week I had a nice little chat with Prof. Rao. She wanted to ask how my life was and probably take a break from her Quantitative Analysis paper filled desk of a day. I was in a jolly mood so I had some stories to tell her. About the interviews I recently had to endure the past month. She found lots of laughs in my anecdotes and comments. And then she told me - "I never knew you were such a gutsy person. I used to see you in class and you were as timid as a little mouse. But I realize that outside or in the real world, you are a very brave and confident person. I wish i had seen that more during the two years you were here. But I admire you for having the courage to say your mind." And it hit me again. I suffered while studying for my MBA. I cried and wallowed in self-pity as to the hell I had voluntarily put myself through. But i never gave up. and after I graduated, that's when i felt the courage. I had basically no control of my environment, and i still don't. Any teacher could have failed me. Or like now, a company could just as well kick me in the balls (figuratively) but knowing i gave it my all should leave me with no qualms or regret.
So to whatever damn trauma(s) I considered in the past...I just want to say, fuck it. I'm alive and kicking so you can't harm me anymore. I won't let it.
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day
I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
It's just overkill
Overkill by Colin Hay |
| posted by maldita @ 10:05 PM
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| Monday, February 06, 2006 |
| supposed to be. |
I love Zach Braff. I think he is the ideal man...aside from having a geeky, quirky, sharp look about him, it's enhanced by his self-depracating but confident sense of humor. See what I mean? perfect. After watching his movie, and four seasons of Scrubs, i'm convinced that the guy writes his own material. And from his blog posts, his characters aren't a pretense. That's really who he is and how he talks. I wish i could meet him. sigh.
But seeing as my guts have completely disappeared from my known body, I would probably end up giggling like a stupid gillywump again. That's what happened last week when confronted by guys i found attractive. And you all know that's a rarity for me to find someone interesting nowadays. Where has my brain gone? hibernation! It just has wrapped itself inside insecurity valves and has refused to make any known presence. But then again if you see the type of people you meet in bars nowadays, you kinda understand why it feels like any energy spent would be futile.
I'll just settle for a virtual relationship with Zach through his show and movie. I feel like this fixation is getting intense...especially after watching his video post. Oh sweetie, you'll always be my Jersey boy! Though last i heard he was dating Mandy Moore. Gad she's a lucky bitch. Did i mention he's such a great director? And he has the best taste in music...you can tell from his soundtrack choice for Garden State and Scrubs. sigh again. His jokes makes me think of M*A*S*H...Anyway, here's an entry he wrote in the Garden State blog:
Remember me?
I'm still here!!!!!!
I promise I have not abandoned all of you.
Work is very crazy right now. I have next week off and I promise I'll write a nice big post.
I am so tired right now that I am lying down and dictating this post to the burglar I found holding my computer when I arrived home. We made a deal that if he typed for me, he could keep my China. And I don't mean dishware; he's a very simple man and I've managed to convince him that I have the power to hand over the Republic of China. I must say however, he's a dynamite typist; I'll bet he'll put my laptop to great use.
Thank you all for all your Garden State love. I'm slowly making my way through the over 3000 posts!!! I realize it's been a month since I posted and I have so much to tell all of you, but just wait a couple more days.
It was exactly one year ago that Garden State premiered at the Sundance Film Festival. So much has happened thanks to amazing fans like you all.
Peace, love and a pillow.
ZB
Posted by Zach Braff at 10:37 PM
January 20, 2005
I wanna be HIS pillow!!!
Supposed To Be by Cary Brothers |
| posted by maldita @ 4:01 AM
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| Saturday, February 04, 2006 |
| una palabra. |
Una palabra no dice nada
y al mismo tiempo lo esconde todo
igual que el viento que esconde el agua
como las flores que esconde el lodo.
Una mirada no dice nada
y al mismo tiempo lo dice todo
como la lluvia sobre tu cara
o el viejo mapa de algun tesoro.
Una verdad no dice nada
y al mismo tiempo lo esconde todo
como una hoguera que no se apaga
como una piedra que nace polvo.
Si un dia me faltas no sere nada
y al mismo tiempo lo sere todo
porque en tus ojos estan mis alas
y esta la orilla donde me ahogo,
porque en tus ojos estan mis alas
y esta la orilla donde me ahogo.
A word does not say anything
and at the same time it hides everything.
A glance does not say anything
and at the same time it says everything.
A truth does not say anything
and at the same time it hides everything.
una palabra by carlos varela |
| posted by maldita @ 6:55 AM
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| Wednesday, February 01, 2006 |
| sick cycle carousel |
it isn't easy being single. no one ever said it would be. I told this piece of thought to a girl I just met last night who asked me for my opinion regarding her boyfriend. She was contemplating whether or not she should stick it out or not. Owing to the fact that I had just met her a few hours ago and met her boyfriend for about only 5 minutes, I just said that if you're not happy and you're asking strangers for advice then maybe it's a brick-house-falling-on-your-head kind of sign. To which i followed up with the opening sentence I made above and closed with: there's something worse than being single and that's wasting your time with the wrong person.
my evening yesterday was filled with a lot of inner monologue. Like when i was watching my best friend and her boyfriend sharing a salad. Or the time when I was receiving advice as to why my lovelife has stalled and presented with the rationale that my friend/s might be the ones cramping my style. All this ended in a solo sobfest for reasons unknown.
And then between trying to find my sensitivity analysis and becoming a complete wreck of a woman...today i had about ten minutes of perfect "thwoks" at the tennis courts. i called my friend who picked up the phone and listened to me ramble on even if she was spending quality time with her boyfriend. another friend took the time from her busy schedule to inquire and sympathize. my dad actually asked to talk to me about thrice in one night and gave me a shirt he got that said "Queen of Rock". It's a friend telling you as he's leaving the bar and saying goodbye - oh. and don't worry, it will happen for you. I was surprised and just a little bit relieved that someone believed it for me. It's little hints of concern and comfort that make you stop to think what were you crying about in the first place?! It doesn't cure your ailment. It doesn't make the pain die. But it helps.
No one hates being in the cycle more than me. I wish i knew how to get off it.
sick cycle carousel by lifehouse |
| posted by maldita @ 6:10 AM
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