:: musings of a misfit ::: April 2004
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
Ugh...have a hangover. and only had two rum cokes last night what gives? must be because we only had jamaican patties for dinner during School of Rock. There was also something wierd last night i couldn't put my finger on it. Started with the text message at seven in the morning to confirm everything and even after he picked me up and until we went home - like this nervous tension. oh well. but still a sweetie. noticed a tiny thing...compared to other guys i hang with, at least stress-free scorpio never ever walks in front of me. he always waits for me, opens my door and watches out as i cross the street. nice chap, ain't he?

we kinda wanted to kick ourselves though for choosing to drink in Mati when there was good live music in Oyster bar...darn darn. that would have been better. i miss the old rockwell strip though. that had Che, Struan & Tangs and even Cork (even if their house wine sucked)...now the whole place lacks the relaxing sensation that engulfed me wherever i stood or sat. Now all the places seem to lack imagination and personality.

GET ME OUT OF HERE!
posted by maldita @ 10:26 PM  
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
ok will admit it...
i am rooting for JOHN STEVENS on American Idol!
never thought i'd get hooked but finally heard and saw someone worth it and can belt out Sinatra...plus i think he's adorable. heehee. Wish i were in the US so i could vote! oh wait...i will be there! ha!

yes, i like the tall thin geeks. can't you tell by now? ;)
but in this guy's defense, i like how composed he always is and his voice is so strong without trying too hard.
posted by maldita @ 11:51 AM  
and...i am booked.
posted by maldita @ 5:55 AM  
Sunday, April 25, 2004
just saw the video of "Make it Slow" by Ciudad! astig! love the flow. simple.
posted by maldita @ 10:36 AM  
My horoscope today:
A wonderfully emotional conversation is on your agenda, with someone who's much too far away for your tastes. The good news is that at the end of your chat, someone may be moving


although i am not moving...today dad agreed to pay for my trip to SF. have been busy making the plans and figuring out how long i'll be staying. Thank God for my cousin alfie who woke me up yesterday with a long distance call and offered i stay at his place for as long as i liked. woopee!

gotta admit i feel like i'm running away...even if just for a few weeks. i need to step back and take a breath. away from complicated neurosis here in manila that have been stressing me out and making me feel like walking time bomb.

its only been my time spent with my stress-free scorpio that breaks a smile across my face. when the slightest hint of tension twitches in my veins over some tiny insignificant detail i just have to glance over and see him there to calm me and realize how miniscule this exaggeration is. the soothe is but a reminder of how i could be if i just let things go. lucky for me all my scorpio friends are models of maturity and secure senses. if i could only embody them too.
looking forward to our movie plans on wednesday =)

just been so damn sentimental lately. its sick.

posted by maldita @ 9:55 AM  
Friday, April 23, 2004
need to find and read a good book.
still looking for
South of the Border West of the Sun and The Wind-up Bird Chronicle both by Murakami



by the way...do you guys like the bigger font? or should i go back to the small one? got concerned that you guys might be straining your eyes too much...
posted by maldita @ 9:44 PM  
Run fast if you can...
breathe in breathe out, it's almost over now oh baby

Kitchie Nadal's latest song keeps ringing in my head even if i can hardly understand the words with her vocal rasps...

Just hung out with my girls again last night in Capones - me, deb, sadrina, sarah and many others who came in and out like osmosis in a vacuum. bootsie, jv and itos left for boracay at around 5am but we made sure they were inebriated immensely before then haha. and although this may seem premature to mention, i met one of the most beautiful boys and was pretty much melting to the point of maleable for the rest of the evening with the sound of his brit accent that proceeded to nurture my interest and girlish (yuuuk!) giggles that felt more like gurgles of insanity.

damn that girl who kept puking in the bathroom last night in capones. the boys had met her earlier that evening so they felt it their obligation to make sure she got home ok. but she couldn't even speak the name of her hotel! chrissakes! even jay was pissed off that the girl's bathroom stank to superfluous levels that we shemales had to use the men's stalls. "now i have to install bag hooks in the men's room??!!" don't get me wrong. i've been through that road of mistakes before where i was embarassed to the shade of puke while professing my need to pass out to the toilet seat. but that girl interrupted my chat with that beautiful boy! aaaaargh!

ok this sounds really shallow because im just expressing frustration...nonetheless i played the good samaritan and made sure she had water and could walk up straight etc. etc. debbie and i could have a tally board of how many girls we've fished out from floors. but hey, we love capones. so its just part and parcel of taking care of the place as a whole.

word to all those girls i've shoveled and saved in the bathrooms of capones, if there will come a day that i am in that bent over position, barfing the booze - hope you return the favor. and that goes for any other girl who you see in that state. If i, a complete stranger can help you out instead of laughing at the side (like those other bitches) then you can do the same. hey, men aren't the only ones you can depend on ;)

footnote: woke up with a smile on my face because he sent me a message lastnight and said thanks for the intriguing and interesting evening. hopefully there will be another time! yahuuu! :)
posted by maldita @ 9:11 PM  
Monday, April 19, 2004
For the purposes of vanity and self-indulgence:

THIS BLOG IS NOMINATED for the PHILIPPINE BLOG AWARDS
I still don't know who the judges are or what is the criteria for judging but what the hey...

i think its so cool...like an icy mango shake on a warm sunny day :)
posted by maldita @ 11:35 PM  
written early this morning, around 3am...
This is why I keep my laptop by my bed, so if in the occasion that I have some thought- alcohol induced or otherwise - I am able to keep tabs on it. What is this damn thing called love? I hate to think it is what affects you. What riles you up like an unquenchable fire of emotion that no logic can extinguish? But maybe it is. Like when your parents can get you so worked up over one statement of nagging or pressure. Like one guy giving an indirect statement or suggestion that makes you cry on call. Is that what it is? I hope not. But sure seems like it.

I refuse to succumb to this definition. I cannot admit I am in love nor am I infatuated. It cannot be the end all be all…or as debbie’s question posted – the meaning of life. I volunteered the definition that my life is defined by how many people I have helped and made to smile. That I can die tomorrow knowing that I may have cried for over 25 years of my life and still gave about 2 and a half years making other people happy. So is life about sacrifices? I am so confused.

I cannot comprehend the ideas that other people have. Yet I belittle those with shallow views on life. Whether it be social standing or how much money they make. But who am I to say that I am more sophisticated in my knowledge…my wisdom. Another mental note – I am still unclear as to what I want even with all my efforts to unearth the options that this world can offer. Still in the dark, still unsure as to what I am meant to do in the physical realm that is life.

I am sorry for belittling the instances that I spend with a certain friend. I am writing this submerged with rum and bewilderment. I think I have apologized enough but am still dissatisfied of the state of gratitude that this person deserves. I had an entry that has not been published for over a month as to how much this person has meant to me. Though he may already know it, I’ve denied its existence because of my insecurity that he does not feel the same way. But what the heck. He was the first person to give me a voice. How? By simply listening to what I say. I used to be called a mouse because you would hear nothing but a mere squeak. Then this guy would call me each day and listen to me drone on until God knows when - until I simply assumed that he went deaf. As anticipated. It was not self-doubt but belief that I had nothing worthwhile to listen to. And yet he still listens to this day and I am amazed. At his tolerance and approval. Up until this moment and minute I find it hard to believe. That I have something to say worthwhile. And that the time spent is anything but boring or just simply passing the time – until something better comes along.

I said this in my head and now I want to let it out. I thought I was anesthetized because there was no grounds for me to feel any sentiment or passion. This explains my blog entries with a lack of muse for the past month. And with a few moments I realized that there is still (only) one person (so far) who makes me feel. Whatever it is, angry, sad, happy, excited and any emotion you can think of. I wish I could control it and make it go away but I can’t. I am mystified at this perplexed state. Sometimes I want to be the cold ice queen that most men have summed me up as. Other times I want to experience life with you, in this rollercoaster psychotic frenzy.
posted by maldita @ 9:16 PM  
Since no one will probably have the patience or need to read my MRR, some of you will never get to see the acknowledgements page i placed. so here it is...

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

To my mentors -
Prof. Faustino and Prof. Roxas
for the patience, exhaustive detail detection, arduous revisions and eye-opening guidance.
Your intellect and insights were intense driving forces.

To my 405 sisters –
PIA, RIA and GINA
All the sharing, strength, sensitivity, simplicity and sweetness we had together
are what reinforced me to get up each morning for the past two years and work hard.
I could not have done any of this without you.

To my Baguio Boys –
VINCE, JV, ARIS, ANTON, POL and ALEX
Plus all the cigarettes and alcohol we consumed that helped me keep my sanity in this twisted world of MBA
You are amazing souls who took SUCH good care of me through it all.

To the angels -
JOY, CLAUD and HAZEL
The conversation, food and coffee we shared fueled my calm and focus.
Our perpetual hugs keep my resilience strong.

To the Bunnykarrot main man –
MARC
Amidst late night (and morning) requests and assistance,
still managed to give me all the information, some delicious take home goodies
and so much faith and trust in my ability.

To my soul sustenance -
DAD, MOM, TRIXIE and ERIK

And

GOD
For all the blessings.
posted by maldita @ 9:10 PM  
Saturday, April 17, 2004
someone wanted to poke and see what's happening in my torrid little brain recently. sorry to say it's either just too mixed up for a coherent conversation or its just lifeless and empty. so anyway lets just take the periodic test and a few new ones, shall we?

You should be dating an Aquarius.
20 January - 18 February

Your mate is communicative, thoughtful and caring. Though he/she can be tactless and rude and sometimes self-interested, he/she enjoys the intellectual experience of sex.
What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?brought to you by Quizilla

You are Form 2, Angel: The Pure.
"And The Angel rose as holy protector for all that was created. She fought with honor and valor to serve the good of the world. But the coming of the mankind was her downfall; and end to purity."
Some examples of the Angel Form are Michael
(Christian) and Hercules (Greek).
The Angel is associated with the concept of virtue, the number 2, and the element of wind. Her sign is the zenith sun. As a member of Form 2, you are a person of your word. You generally keep your promises and give everything you do your best. Although some people see you as overbearing sometimes, you know that you have to stay true to yourself and do what's right. Angels are the best friends to have because they are brutally honest.

Which Mythological Form Are You?brought to you by Quizilla

You’re like the Greek God Morpheus of dreams. Believing there is something bigger out there, and often lost in thought. You’re imaginative, and smart – not always a leader but usually the one who came up with the plan. You often ask, What if…and long to get out of the darkness and through the window.
Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??brought to you by Quizilla

gee...damn...still an aquarius...same as last time. maybe one of my potentials planned will be an aquarius. hmm...am supposed to be set up with a writer and a lawyer next week. both avid travellers. oh goodie ;)

me? a pure and virtuous angel? wow! but yeah im zealous, brutally honest and keep my promises.

now me as morpheus - definitely!
posted by maldita @ 12:08 PM  
have been so introspective lately...but with no random reflection to report on the blog...
dumdeedeedum...la la la deedoodah...

i'm going to miss life in AIM...
am still finishing my acknowledgements page for my MRR. my friends here have been so great! awww...
posted by maldita @ 11:12 AM  
If i had known back then what wish i knew now
then i'd be way ahead of the game you think im playing
if you'd been in my shoes when i was out of town
you'd probably be nervous but you'd probably be staying
because love won't break your heart if you won't let it
get up into your head
it wouldn't tear your faith apart
but if you think you might regret it don't start
don't even start
i see an open door where you've put up a wall
where i'll be walking through to disarm you any second now
if you come easily, i'll handle you with care
but if you struggle i'll beseige you with temptation

because love won't heal your heart if you deny it
don't knock it till you try it
we are all afraid to die
but if you're so scared of living don't try

if you want out i'm leaving goodbye
i'll put you in your place just show me where it is
i'll carry you up high to the summit of contentment
and you could read my mind...if you were not so color blind
i'll be yours and you'll be fine just as long as we're not thinking
love won't break if don't let it
get up into your head it wouldn't tear your faith apart
so if you want just come and get it
but if you think you might regret it
then you might as well forget it
don't even start


Don't even start by Dan Mackenzie

such a scorpio ridden song...just grab life by the horns, you'll never know what you're missing if you don't try it right? and it could most likely be great. i want to reach the "summit of contentment" ;)
posted by maldita @ 10:16 AM  
Thursday, April 15, 2004
out of the fire and into the frying pan...

FINALLY FINALLY submitted my FINAL MRR (aka MBA thesis) and thus am finally free of obligations to my school. Graduation is on May 2...congratulations to my fellow classmates who have been so great and wonderful. Am carefully putting together my acknowledgements page to cite my support group of two years :)

but now am listing down and focusing on the jobhunt. Still unsure as to where my butt will land - Manila? San Francisco? London? Singapore? - so many directions and can hear no call from any....still looking for an affordable hotel to stay in SF for my grad gift...dad has already agreed to my plans but would still like to give him an affordable budget to work with. hehe...anyone have suggestions?

immediate plans...hang out with 5 other hot chicks tonight! girls night woopee! hopefully getting inebriated and dancing the night away...
posted by maldita @ 11:47 PM  
Why is it that i am still so affected by you? an indirect comment from someone and i just get stunned into submission. maybe it would be a slap on the face a few months ago...but now its a thorn on my side. nevertheless it hurts.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Do you know what its like to feel used for someone's personal gain? the insensitive slob thinking you're nothing but a maleable doll made to think they are interested in you...that they are a part of your soulful expanse...all lies. Nothing but sweet nothings made to inspire you to help them in their objective. I am all for going after what you want...but taking initiative and being ambitious need not leave a pile of used sponges on the road. Dry from being wrung at the neck.
posted by maldita @ 9:29 PM  
Saturday, April 10, 2004

happy easter all!!
posted by maldita @ 10:41 AM  
Thursday, April 08, 2004
just to remind me of my damn sins for my confession tomorrow - good friday and all...
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!

Second Level of Hell

You have come to a place mute of all light, where the wind bellows as the sea does in a tempest. This is the realm where the lustful spend eternity. Here, sinners are blown around endlessly by the unforgiving winds of unquenchable desire as punishment for their transgressions. The infernal hurricane that never rests hurtles the spirits onward in its rapine, whirling them round, and smiting, it molests them. You have betrayed reason at the behest of your appetite for pleasure, and so here you are doomed to remain. Cleopatra and Helen of Troy are two that share in your fate

Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)High
Level 2 (Lustful)Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test
posted by maldita @ 7:29 AM  
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
guilt has consumed me this warm evening. it is so difficult to sleep when there is still this aching fear of things said and done recently - in lapses of judgment. my memory is erased of all that has mattered and nothing remains but tears for an infected left eye. still don't know how that happened. i do recall my contact lens flicking out of my eye last night. but now it stings like a pick has jabbed through an artery. no you cannot forget about me, it says.

like a dog chasing its tail, i go in circles with wandering sights and wishes. with no sense of reason. maybe a nice walk tomorrow around the park wil do me good. hoping for serendipitous sightings and sounds to weave some kind of wonderful within. or wherever. too much quiet makes me weary. too much noise makes me walk away.

holy week is when i should be thinking of things other than my own selfish moans...


just to give credit where credit is due...nice pic huh? i got it from this site: http://www.kmayumietal.blogger.com.br
the other shots were better but didn't like the captions he/she put. this one is simple enough.
posted by maldita @ 1:04 PM  
Friday, April 02, 2004
hahahahahaha...you guys gotta hear this song!!:)

Fuck The Pain Away
by Peaches

Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me,
Callin me, all the time like blondie
Check out my chrissy behind
It's fine all of the time
What else is in the teaches of peaches?
Like sex on the beaches. huh? what?

huh? right. what? uhh.

SIS IUD, stay in school coz it's the best.
IUD SIS, stay in school coz it's the best.
IUD SIS, stay in school coz it's the best.
IUD SIS, stay in school coz it's the best.

Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me,
Callin me, all the time like blondie
Check out my chrissy behind
It's fine all of the time.
What else is in the teaches of peaches?
Like sex on the beaches. huh? what?

Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.

huh? what? right. uhh. huh? what? right. uhh.
What else in the teaches of peaches, like sex on the beaches.
huh? what? right. uhh.

Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away.
posted by maldita @ 11:13 PM  
Thursday, April 01, 2004
i think i've been taken for a putz.
i know it's a fact of life that people use other people all the time...but it's ok if you guys are both serving some benefit. but i got the bitter end of the deal. the thanks i get for naive-ly thinking people have good intentions - like me! i could kick myself. so how many more of these do i need to go through? damn.

better late than never. ;)
posted by maldita @ 10:05 PM  
 
 

she had eyes like two turntables mix(h)er in between my dreams and reality blend in ancient themes the bas(e)is of isis cross-faded to ankh the beat drops like a cliff over looking my heart - Saul Williams


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