:: musings of a misfit ::: May 2004
Saturday, May 29, 2004
My name has shortened over time. From Margarita to Margie to Marge and now to M. I know several people who call me that and i've also taken to signing emails with that one solitary syllable.

It can also mean a number of different things. Like Maldita. All up to you. I liked a friend who identified me as Madness.

I also like mysterious...or what about mischievous or mystifying?

MMagical

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posted by maldita @ 2:46 AM  
Thursday, May 27, 2004
my SF photo album so far...

Citylights Bookstore, San Francisco
posted by maldita @ 1:55 AM  
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
something i wrote in my travel journal during the trip. i think some of my friends can recall this same conversation with me but felt the need to voice it out. Over coffee this morning a friend helped me reassess my state of vacillation and though i hate to admit it, the facts precede my wants.

the sun shines periodically but the wind breaks its heat. i'm at a point wherein i break into tears at the thought of my confusion and ambiguity. Do i even possess the validity for my insolent despise for a certain person's freedom to choose against my hope? is his decision even a justification of my insecurity for his detachment from me? Maybe not. My questions were answered by a slip of the tongue and a pressing of more information. It's just not what i wanted to hear. because i believed his edges of reason. his superfluous pretext as to why i'm not good enough. and yet with all the telltale warning signs and suspicions, i remain the downtrodden. stupidity again. lack of good judgment seems to be one of my strong points. not bad for someone who supposedly has the world at her fingertips - or so my loved ones insist. i shouldn't trust anyone. those who say i've changed their lives. those who say i'm special. they may be all but sad and empty expressions fueled by cold stonehearts who feel nothing but the desire to protect themselves...said the skeptic bitter bitch.

but as i said this morning under the welcomed heat of afternoon sun, enjoying a nice iced cafe mocha and cigarette at bay (pun not intended)...i am not bitter. just weak in the knees and wanting to lie down in surrender. i went to SF to run away. the dark dreary cloud has still been hovering around me but i do think it has begun to shrink and soon will not exist.

I watched Saul Williams recite an excerpt from his book yesterday at Tower Records. The beats drew me in, but the words wrung my heart in familiarity. I then wondered whether art is an expression or an aide memoire of my psyche. I usually end up with echoes of silence after a performance like that because another person's voice has reverberated old haunting melodies. Most of which i choose to forget or set aside for fear they will consume my days of tears and paralysis. I feel like this is the city i left my soul, probably in a past life. But do i really want to hear its sighs again - both happy and sad? or do i remain in limbo where i can escape into ignorant bliss?

posted by maldita @ 3:13 PM  
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
ok don't have much time because have to catch the 1:30 to get to the city by 2:06pm. but anyway, my body feels like it's been beaten up! last saturday i took a bart to powell station to meet up with marvin. missed my transfer at 12th station but finally got to powell at around 10:15pm. We went to Studio Z for the Flow party and saw EVERYBODY! carol, nela, paolo, miguel, encheng, jj, kenneth, dino, even mike (that was just a fucking freaky coincidence!) and so on...the pictures will just have to show the scene.

got so plastered, i couldn't wake up for the boat party Sunday (bummer!) and got back to fremont around 4pm already. then had to get ready since i had a dinner with this really ad-o-rable family...ok, i feel like i can't elaborate enough how much fun i had bec. of my lack of time.

am meeting carol, dimples and some other people either this week or next. am starting to scour the city for jobs by next week. wish me luck! :)
posted by maldita @ 1:12 PM  
Saturday, May 22, 2004
I belong here. i really think so. you know that feeling when you meet someone for the first time but it's like you've known each other for ever? i have taken to San Francisco like I used to life here in a previous life. Beautiful! beautiful place.

I've been trying to write about all these experiences (yes, i have only been here 3 days) but am honestly at a loss for words. SF is just like me, a contradiction in studies. slow and fast. hot and cold. corporate and creative. and that's what enhances the experience. the planned tasks with room for spontaneity. I feel like i'm moving in a reckless, random albeit reined direction.

I'm staying with my cousin alfie and his wife sharon. her brother had a flight so he left yesterday. They also have a few friends who drop by every so often that are a riot to hang with. Alfie and sharon are one of the sweetest couples i've ever met. Talk about perfect match. Being with them here is so comfortable and cozy, i feel like i just went to Baguio with friends. I can't begin to say thanks to them for having me here. So accomodating and stress-free...and i always missed alfie since he moved away a few years ago. Family always makes you feel like you're home.

So here's a rough itinerary of the past few days...
Day 1: Alfie picked me up from the airport after i got worried for an hour because my suitcase was missing. Luckily it finally turned up. After i took a well-needed shower in the apartment we went to Pacific Island supermarket that is more complete with filipino food than OUR local supermarkets. We bought fish which they cleaned and cooked for us for free! so we just had to bring it home ready for dinner. passed out early. incapacitated by jet lag.

Day 2: walked to the BART (right across the street!lucky lucky me) and took the bus to newpark mall. Met a lovely 65 year old woman named lita who i chatted with until our buses arrived. she thought i was 17!haha. says she adores lumpia cooked by her filipino friend and had a good conversation about her life. Hung out in the mall, got a few things in Target and GAP. Such a pinoy thing isn't it? Then grabbed an orange julius and hotdog at the foodcourt which served as lunch by my lonesome. enjoyed every minute of it. In the afternoon, walked around with francis to the bank and took the tour by foot of fremont because we got lost. haha. was home in time for dinner, met Edward and had to pick up Sharon's sis at the airport. Brought her back to city and shared a few smokes with Edward out in the balcony since the others were so tired and sleepy already.

Day 3: Took a cab to safeway, bought some groceries and Starbucks (finally!). that pretty much served as breakfast lunch and dinner. Hopped on BART at 330pm to get to Berkeley by 430pm. Stopped by this seaside port to catch a view of the islands and city. Then on to a quirky bookstore, Citylights with the most diverse listing i've seen in a while. Caught sight of a postcard for The Corporation which will definitely catch in June. Had a martini in a bar nearby (yes all before 6pm). Noticed that although drinks here are around seven dollars each, its like i had three of the same back home. so worth it. Next stop was Locus Arts' event which was composed of an art exhibit, film showing and the spoken word. Pitstop to get some mexican coffee before a fashion show in Stanford. Closed the night with two rum cokes at...memory fails me. i do recall it was a bar! haha. Apparently all bars here close at 2am at the latest. so you can still manage the next day. brilliant, why haven't we thought of that?
pictures to follow :) i'm editing them today

now i'm craving for some taco bell. freezing weather today. need to go buy a sweater for the boat trip tomorrow in Tiburon. damn, how the hell am i going to survive that? i don't have a clue...

oh yes, and to my friends who made the bet - i AM losing weight yet again. haha!
posted by maldita @ 10:40 AM  
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
and my horoscope says...Love isn't always a walk in the park. Sometimes it's a walk on the wild side.

will miss you.
posted by maldita @ 12:33 AM  
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Now I know why the lazy fucks I’ve encountered in my life get to their sordid states. I have been technically a jobless bum for the past ten days and I do think I am going proverbially insane. I find difficulty in sleeping before 5am and bear a grudging headache between 9am and 1pm the next day which I respond with an embrace of my pillow. And this is all devoid of the assistance of alcohol. So my days have fundamentally been about watching American Idol or CSI reruns and B-movies on cable as the rest of my house settles into slumber, sleeping as the dawn breaks and waking as the afternoon settles its sweat in my joints. Heaven knows what I do in between those things. Eat probably. I have also become a glutton still searching for the perfect hamburger and Caesar salad entrenched in my memory. Till then I gorge on different satisfiers such as breakfast fare, Pringles, ripe mango slices (I consumed 6 fruits today) and (you guessed it) mango juice. Hey at least I inserted some healthy provisions.

This is what I get for halting my planning obsession that so aptly began at the tender age of 15. As I got closer to my impending graduation, was informed of my inability to work in the US for the next few months – I have become my worst nightmare and source of disappointment in precedent characters that caused me torment. Has anyone ever died of boredom? Or lack of a future? No amount of good cheer from overworked drones that I deserve this vacation can soothe my ache for productivity. My dad once told me when I was but a wee little girl “You’re bored?! How can you say you’re bored?! Then find something to do! Don’t ever complain to me about that ever again!” and so I became a workaholic with an undertaking to complete if only to pass the time and I may never say the word “bored” to another living soul ever again.

That could have been my redemption. I could be a starving artist right now or sitting on my ass watching television or reading the papers each day, spewing idiosyncrasies and criticism to the next professional as if I knew better. Instead I incorporated a veritable time capsule to map out the next few years of my life to justify present states and can be considered a successful and accomplished entity. But during my busy agenda of finishing a Master’s Degree, I chose to take the road of less pressure and let the universe direct me towards my providence. Nope, fate and fortune has not said a word. No knock on the door, text message, email sent. Nada. All I hear is silence and the breeze that blows as I suck in the next carcinogenic hit.
posted by maldita @ 11:08 AM  
I just remembered doing something this afternoon. I spent a few minutes irate at a supposed scheduled date this evening. This relentless excuse for an educated individual could not gather that my incessant amount of alibis for not hanging out with him is a sign of potential. I only replied to give him a reason for my disinterest to watch a movie with him. But this inexorable person then bombards me with alterations such as a drink instead or dinner…sending me a number of text messages, calling me on all my phone lines. I can’t believe the unremitting delusion! Can he not see that I would much rather wallow in my weary day doing nothing than be treated to a drink or bite? But before you brand me a bitch, I am sure you have encountered similar creatures and have called them psychos more than once. Come on. Admit it. I at least have the decency to not shout it to his face or phone. Give it time though, I might just snap. Kudos to the others who have given me breathing room and I would most likely give a warm hello at the next sighting in Capones.
posted by maldita @ 11:06 AM  
Saturday, May 08, 2004
COACHELLA!!!


wayne coyne of the flaming lips crowdsurfing in a giant plastic bubble

the cure

belle & sebastian

radiohead
thanks jenn and buzznet for pictures...
wish i was there...
posted by maldita @ 1:08 AM  
Friday, May 07, 2004
pretty tight few days...considering have NOTHING TO DO!
quality time and talk with friends - frances, debbie, cristina, martin, marc, chris, victor, jim, sad, marvin, alfie (well he's my cuz so counted na rin)

~ and i'm so dadblasted filled with butterflies in my tummy for the SF trip!
~ as expected, 'rents want me to bring pasalubong to people there
~ friends in SF want me to bring cigarettes from PI (cheap kasi e and siyempre i'm bringing my own ream of Winston Lights, jim says its like a few dollars per pack there or something - damn!)
~ have to list down everyone's addresses, phone numbers (my beeyootiful phone is tri-band, love it!)
~ and if my "kabit" (the cell) is coming, of course the boyfriend (laptop baby) has to go too! plus the other little guys on the side (canon camera and sony digital cam)

how big is my damn suitcase going to be? i haven't even considered the shoes and clothes im bringing. Thank God is kinda hot so i can just bring my slutty tops and skimpy skirts for nightcrawling. bwahaha! see cristina? will be partying with you from across the sea in spirit! ladeedaaa...

ok, now i gotta get stuff done before i meet up with the "new york vacationers" tonight!
posted by maldita @ 12:28 AM  
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
I miss my beyond-the-box boys…the rollercoaster of rendevous…the splendor in the grass and gamut of gazes. Geezus where did it all go? I know, I resolved not to get involved with anything or anyone about a month ago. Can’t believe my tenacity. Woopteedoo. I wonder if I will ever really be content with either the simplest or sordid of affairs. Or could it be like the hamburger I’ve been craving over the past few weeks, the one of my palate’s proctivity? I have been yearning for this certain beast of burger, the first bite and its respite in my belly. I cannot even figure out which one is it – McDonald’s? Jollibee? Wendy’s? Tropical Hut? I just recall how good it was and how satisfied I was in its straightforward succulence. But even with this craving I have avoided every single fastfood joint within the perimeter of my state. I know that when I finally savor one, it will all be over. So should I just maintain this madness or give in to temptation that will be quenched soon hereafter?

Boys. Burgers. Bento? Haha. How come japanese food I never tire of? Even after I covet and satisfy my wrenching pangs I still revert to its detailed delicacy. Bento boys or Burger boys? Haha what an analogy. I can’t begin to explain my correlation correspondence.


Staring at my room’s wall of shame/blame/fame/game…the “gameboys” leave nothing but bare reminiscences. Like past infatuations of taste I can’t even remember. Too bad. Is it simply a disconsolate desire without any substance to show for? A meager flashback that is only fueled by naivety and ignorance of the valid?

And this present plane of protection…is it just mental mediocrity...Lingering in limbo because it is safer and more practical in the mind. Where has all the passion gone? So…break the caged bars of limited mettle and shun secure footholds. But…how?

I teeter over the edge of reason with the apathy of my true wanting.

posted by maldita @ 4:32 AM  
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Welcome back...
George Michael with the song and video of "Amazing" - the fresh faces and bods rock!
Prince with the song and video of "Musicology" - thank God he's using his name again and kudos to anyone who promotes the succulent dressing of the 20s (or is it 50s?)

Go back...
Robbie Rosa - nuff said.
William Hung - tho i wish him the best, his act just isn't as catchy as it once was

posted by maldita @ 11:25 AM  
the rape of concept...
a must-read article.

"The loss of critical dialogue exacerbates this process of deterioration....Sadly, these gatherings have lost momentum and focus, and most people now offer their opinions without expecting reciprocity of thought. The arguments have become one-way streets, with participants unwilling to constructively offer or receive fresh perspectives on ideas pre-cemented beforehand."


wish i could write even half as well...
posted by maldita @ 10:45 AM  
Sunday, May 02, 2004
My Quickie Horoscope: Should you stay? Should you go? Should you give in, or hold out? Trust your head.
hmmm...
posted by maldita @ 7:52 AM  
Congratulations to Master of Business Management batch 2004!!!
we finally did it! :)

was so great to have my friends and family together tonight.

and thanks to all those who remembered and sent me messages. huuuuuug!



me with my roomies ria and pia last tiger's night
posted by maldita @ 7:50 AM  
 
 

she had eyes like two turntables mix(h)er in between my dreams and reality blend in ancient themes the bas(e)is of isis cross-faded to ankh the beat drops like a cliff over looking my heart - Saul Williams


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