| Thursday, September 29, 2005 |
| don't you forget about me. |
here are some hilarious conversations i had last night...
guy: hi margie!
me: oh hey! i remember you, but not your name.
guy: (tells me his name. but for purposes of preserving his dignity, just a bit, i will refrain from saying it.)
guy: i'm glad you still remember me though.
me: unfortunately...i do.
guy: (laughs)oh so you remember when i liked you since college?
me: well...i remember the letters you would send me. and the times you asked several classmates about me.
guy: and the emails. i used to send you emails.
me: i don't remember that!
guy: yeah, you even replied.
(at this point, i did NOT want to remember what i said. i might have told him to get the fuck away from me in that email!)
me: oh well, that's a long time ago anyway.
guy: yeah but you still look hot...i mean, good.
me: (laugh) aww thanks. (uh-oh...don't tell me...)
guy: so can i get your number?
nyahahahahahahaha!
i wish i could travel back in time and see myself walking the dlsu campus. what the hell did i look like back then anyway??
guy: hi margie! (pulls me aside)
me: hi, watsup?
guy: i'm so drunk.
me: and so? you expect me to take advantage of that or something?
guy: i'm all yours!
me: slut! (then i laugh and walk away)
amazing how guys still think the drunk card can get them anywhere.
and last night mark and i were keeping each other company the whole evening that some people started teasing him...or me...and we just thought it was ridiculous! so he had to keep introducing me - this is margie, my cousin! hahahahaha! some people...really.
don't you forget about me by simple minds |
posted by maldita @ 11:11 PM
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| the way we get by. |
what would i do without my baby...
so here's what i checked. in 2003, i had to go to baguio to purge my tears out due to the comings and goings of the bubble bastard. then in 2004 i came home from san francisco and tortured myself with questions why henry fool hated me so. and now it's 2005 and the reluctant bastard has swept my emotions clean. i'm beginning to hate septembers. you used me asshole. how can you sleep at night.
We get high in back seats of cars
We put faith in our concerns
Fall in love to down on the street
We believe in the sum of ourselves
I said that's the way we get by
The Way We Get By by Spoon |
| posted by maldita @ 1:47 AM
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| Wednesday, September 28, 2005 |
| you can't blame it on anybody. |
i'm confused.
i don't have the answers
to everything that's asked of me.
but this frazzled state is due to
my thinking too much.
so i'm stopping now.
i just want to go with the flow.
not take it a day at a time.
i'm taking it an hour at a time.
do what i feel is right.
whether i'm angry, hurt or apologetic
i'll just follow my gut and what it wants.
because no matter how much i try to analyze
nothing makes sense anymore.
i'm glad about today's conference though.
i haven't had a good hearted laugh in a long time.
and without any preconceptions or demands.
You Can't Blame it on Anybody by Phoenix |
| posted by maldita @ 1:06 AM
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| Tuesday, September 27, 2005 |
| get what you give. |
had a discussion with gil last night about how i am when i am angry. it's funny, if you read the very first entries of this blog (way back in 2003), i was a VERY ANGRY PERSON. having been betrayed and lied to, it was so much for my strength to take. i wanted to hit someone. i wanted to use every swear word imaginable to impart the pain that he caused me. and then it all disappeared.
so in last night's phone call, my friend asked me what was the longest time i had stayed mad at someone. my answer: about a year. it was my friend bryan. who i thought was a good friend until he mistakenly sent me a message (subject: me) to benjo. i just blew my top. i cursed him for about the length of 5 text messages. he apologized of course. what else does a guilty person do? every few months he would check if i had forgiven him, only to be replied with more cursing. this went on for a year. until one christmas i texted him that i had decided to forgive him. and he called immediately, happy to have his friend back. the one who stood by his side through all his breakups and even trekked through edsa dos with him.
but if in my early years i swallowed everyone's bullshit...my quarter-life period found it's voice. and it was an angry one. i think only in the past two years have i learned to manage it. i keep it inside until i'm calm enough to voice it out...that is, if that person or friend is worth salvaging.
but with that regulation comes another realization...that everyone is expendable. you don't have to support a person who isn't worth it. you don't need that aggravation. i've set aside people mainly because they took advantage of the care i'd given. isn't that enough reason to know that they don't deserve to be a part of my life? so maybe i'm not left with a whole battalion of a barkada to do things with...but i'm left with a few real people. they are those who i would drop everything at the sign of a tear. they are those who i would forsake sleeping at the middle of the night or morning just to talk them through their latest breakup. they are those who i would defend with my life, even if the whole world had their guns set to fire.
the scorpio trait is one of revenge. but i've never really resorted to it. it's a result of bitterness. a completely different emotion from anger. and now, i am angry...i've been seething since late last week. but i'd rather walk away and let karma do its own work. i refuse to give something undeserving any more of my energy.
Get What You Give by New Radicals |
| posted by maldita @ 1:18 AM
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| Monday, September 26, 2005 |
| rock your body. |
when we were still dorming in AIM, pia and i noticed something peculiar. notice that in the morning or whenever you wake up...your body is at it's best? as soon as i undress to take a shower my stomach is as flat as a board and my figure has the perfect hourglass shape. not too big or too small in the appropriate places. and it can't be because your tummy is empty because i know i ate those bag of chips before going to bed last night.
i have this bad habit of skipping breakfast and lunch. So it can't be that...but around the middle of the day...here come the bulges. your clothes that hung so perfectly hours ago are now bunching up in the wrong places...ensuring an improper fit.
what is it, gravity? some things you just can't understand. but at least for a few hours in the day...i have my ideal body.
Rock Your Body by Justin Timberlake |
| posted by maldita @ 11:42 PM
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| Sunday, September 25, 2005 |
| must get out. |
I’ve been the needle and the thread
Weaving figure eights and circles round your head
I try to laugh but cry instead
Patiently wait to hear the words you’ve never said...
...Making use of all this time
Keeping everything inside
Close my eyes and listen to you cry...
...There’s only so much I can do for you
After all of the things you put me through.
Must Get Out by Maroon 5 |
| posted by maldita @ 11:39 AM
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| Wednesday, September 21, 2005 |
| wake me up when september ends. |
such a common phrase...seen mostly on yahoo messenger status messages indicating very hectic work weeks. but i will use it as my title today because...
i finished the song! thanks to my wonderful teacher, tito rolly - we put together the notes to play to the song...i've been practicing it till my fingertips have gone numb. they still are. but it's a good kind. similar to the good pain you feel after a heavy workout. so i can play it through but i still have to memorize it. i still get lost. i don't want to play it on stage for jay with a piece of paper, resembling some songhits shit. haha!
Tito Rolly was also proud of me because i got to figure out the notes for Every Little Thing by Dishwalla on my own. There was just a part between the verse and chorus that i couldn't get and he just gave me the two notes I lacked. Because i am following jay and tito rolly's advice not to rely on tabs. but learn to listen.
now if i can only master the faster rhythm/tempo...gotta use my metronome tomorrow. As long as this ulcer doesn't debilitate my movement any more than it already has. it sucks to be useless and paralyzed in pain. but i managed to practice with Duff while in bed. haha, the closest thing to havin' a man who i love stay beside me nowadays. Now if only he knew how to pamper me...
I should have someone take my picture with Duff soon just so you can see how my dark and brooding baby looks like.
oh and another reason to be happy...my boy JD won Rockstar INXS!! Woohoo! i really know how to pick em. i love the rockstars.
Wake Me Up When September Ends |
| posted by maldita @ 9:15 AM
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| Monday, September 19, 2005 |
| sweetest thing. |
i don't think i would have lasted the latter part of yesterday's evening without frank, jay, caco and gerry. they gave the reassurance that i can't rely on myself or any reluctant bastard to give.
but i had one request from some friends not to underestimate my own doubt and daily reality check. I know. And I think my own self-depracation is enough that I don't need THAT kind of validation. I know the signs, i know the indicators. I know. I also know you mean well...which is why i had to tell you straight last night. That it hurts when you keep reminding me. Just like my relationship with the deliberate bastard a few years ago...i know what i'm doing.
And not to worry. My life has not stopped. My life still goes on. And more often than not, I am still happy.
My love, she throws me like a rubber ball
But she won't catch me or break my fall.
Baby's got blue skies up ahead
But in this, I'm a raincloud
You know she wants a dry kind of love.
I wanted to run, but she made me crawl
(Oh, the sweetest thing.)
Eternal fire, she turned me to straw.
I know I got black eyes
But they burn so brightly for her
I guess it's a blind kind of love.
Blue-eyed boy meets a brown-eyed girl.
You can sew it up, but you still see the tear.
Baby's got blue skies up ahead
But in this, I'm a rain-cloud,
Ours is a stormy kind of love.
Sweetest Thing by U2 |
| posted by maldita @ 11:32 PM
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| Sunday, September 18, 2005 |
| with a little help from my friends. |
the other weekend we celebrated ria's birthday and for the first time since 2003, the 308 girls were complete! gina finally got to join us and we had to put her up to speed of what's been happening in the past 2 years or so - complete with photo essay. haha!
we're already planning the next reunion lunch/dinner- probably my birthday.
you never lose touch with the real friends. you just pick up where you left off.
Now where are my fabulous baguio baker boys? i miss you guys! let's go up to baguio again for a weekend! i'll cook sinigang, we'll barbecue, pig out some more and lounge around.
With A Little Help From My Friends by The Beatles |
| posted by maldita @ 10:03 PM
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| all i need. |
i don't know what i need. i know what i want. maybe time IS all i need. It's nice to senti-trip to old 80s rock ballads.
Kissing you is not what I had planned
And now I'm not so sure just where I stand
I wasn't looking for true love
But now you're looking at me
You're the only one I can think of
You're the only one I see
All I need
Is just a little more time
To be sure what I feel
Is it all in my mind
Cause it seems so hard to believe
That you're all I need
Yes it's true we've all been hurt before
But it doesn't seem to matter anymore
It may be a chance we're taking
But it always comes to this
If this isn't love we're making
Then I don't know what it is
No stars are out tonight
But we're shining our own light
And it's never felt so bright
Cause girl the way I'm feeling
It's easy to believe
That you're all I need
- All I Need by Jack Wagner
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| posted by maldita @ 9:32 PM
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| habulan. |
back in the day...i was one of their biggest fans. And i still am.
I just haven't been to their gigs in ages due to the fact they are usually in QC or something, and im-patiently wait for their next album, Blue Monsoon.
and they finally might play in capones this saturday! i would not miss this for the world...they are just so awesome, i am going to reserve a table up front for sure!
and i adore their pics on the website gallery...
Habulan by Sound |
| posted by maldita @ 8:49 AM
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| Friday, September 16, 2005 |
| here tonight. |
How hard is it to go through a break-up? Terrible. And it does not necessarily have to pertain to long-ass ones only. There are some who have been together for only a week and can still constantly crack your heart open for a year.
The best solution I have suggested from experience is to purge. You want them back? You want to call? You want to ambush? You want to cry and go hysterical? Then do it. Get it out of the way. Get it out of your system. I suppose you will be remembered as a psychotic stalker or a deranged jerk or an obsessed former flame but you will never think back and say, what if I did this – would it have made a difference? And it’s the whole ripping off the band-aid solution. Go through the pain. Go through the depression. Friends and family will always understand and still love you despite.
I can’t remember which of my girl friends I was talking to last week about this on an afternoon coffee delight. Apparently I had never mentioned the “stages” to her before. First is denial, then pain (and desperation), then anger then the first steps to the road to recovery. Each stage can vary in time period. This happens. Almost all of the time. Ask anyone. Or deconstruct your past breakups or separation anxieties. But note that the final step I mentioned is the first step to resurgence; it is not an easy stage. It could still be a long process to alleviate fears and rekindle hopes on assembling a new life. One without the past lover in it. Only after this can you welcome someone new. Something new helps though. A new toy, a new gadget, a new car or what have you.
I had to talk through several people through break-ups and bust-ups over the past few weeks. I find it actually distracts me from my own detrimental pipe dream. And I end this week as lector for a beautiful couple’s wedding – Chancy and Pong. I’ve seen them from the start of their relationship. They were still just friends. Who found each other. I even told chancy the first time I met pong “this guy is sooo nice. Has it crossed your mind?” to which she replied, “yeah but I think he just wants to be friends”…and so I said “well don’t let this one go. I’ve seen you go through so many assholes in the past and I still believe friendship is the best start to any good relationship. Oh and he’s cute!” haha. And now they’re married. They have one of the strongest relationships I’ve ever seen. It has surpassed distance and doubt. Really beautiful.
Since I had no choice but to pay attention to every detail in the ceremony (or else I would lose my place), I heard everything that the priest said in his homily. About their story and how things were right from the start. He ended it with a message to the parents to expect that their children will disagree with them sometimes…and that they will always take the side of their spouse. I’ve seen that happen in my own relations and I agree. You don’t stop loving your parents or siblings but you also need to step up as you build your own family.
This is when I realized my parents are great. I guess having my own opinion and the courage to make my own decisions has led them to trust me more. Especially in affairs of heart. Not once did they condemn my perpetually jobless ex-boyfriend for his lack of direction. They knew I had already gone through the deliberation process before deciding to commit to him. The same can’t be said for caring ex-boyfriends prior to him who thought I was licking the bottom of the barrel. I guess they still cared about me that they thought I deserved someone even better than they had been. But now I think my parents are so great. They welcomed that lazy lackey so warmly, even given their very uptight and conservative points of view. As long as he made me happy, it was really my decision to make. And encouraged me to be more responsible and independent.
And it has been my decision to just take things one day...or night at a time. I'm staying here tonight.
Here Tonight by Hale |
| posted by maldita @ 11:31 PM
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| Wednesday, September 14, 2005 |
| shivering and sleepless |
I heard this song the other night (thanks again overtone!)and it seemed as if i had forgotten and recalled. Intertwine it with several friends who have called out of the blue seeking solace and comfort. So my dear darlings, this song is for you. Remember that I feel for you. And the waiting will end. The pain always ends.
and to the child of MY heart...i miss you so much. i look forward to that day...
So I looked in your direction,
But you paid me no attention, do you.
I know you don't listen to me.
'cause you say you see straight through me, don't you.
On and on from the moment I wake,
To the moment I sleep,
I'll be there by your side,
Just you try and stop me,
I'll be waiting in line,
Just to see if you care.
Did she want me to change?
But I change for good.
And I want you to know.
But you always get your way,
I wanted to say,
Don't you Shiver? Shiver, Shiver
I'll always be waiting for you,
So you know how much I need ya,
But you never even see me, do you?
And this is my final chance of getting you.
On and on from the moment I wake....
Did she want me to change?...
Sing it loud and clear.
I'll always be waiting for you.
Yeah I'll always be waiting for you.
And it's you I see, but you don't see me.
And it's you I hear, so loud and clear.
I sing it loud and clear.
And I'll always be waiting for you,.
So I look in your direction,
But you pay me no attention,
And you know how much I need you,
But you never even seen me.
- Shiver by Coldplay |
| posted by maldita @ 12:33 PM
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| Sunday, September 11, 2005 |
| same time last year. |
In September of 2004, this is what happened:
ended a relationship.
submitted and published my first book review.
started watching Coupling, One Tree Hill and The OC.
was job-hunting.
First heard "I don't want to be" by Gavin de Graw.
still continuously fascinated with the geek boys.
started collecting graphic novels.
i can't recall everything else but not much has changed. i still read the books, completely smitten with geek boys, still single AND jobhunting yet again. hilarious.
Same Time Last Year by John Mayer |
| posted by maldita @ 8:40 AM
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| Thursday, September 08, 2005 |
| one of these days. |
i think everyone is thinking too far ahead. Everyone but me.
why can't we just seize each day as it comes and be happy at current time. i know it's only because you all care about me but really...i'm good. I'm the one who introduced the concept of managing expectations to my friends, remember?
not everything has to happen the way you want to.
We’re all scared. And if any of you find someone who isn’t then please introduce me…he must be one hell of a clairvoyant.
Did I make you nervous?
Did I ask for too much?
Was I not deserving one second of your touch?
And one of these days
I won't be afraid of staying with you
I hope and I pray
Waiting to find a way back to you
'Cause that's where I'm home…
What would you do if I could have you?
oh if I could, i'd let you feel everything I'm thinking
Wouldn't that be nice?
One of These Days by Michelle Branch |
| posted by maldita @ 3:48 AM
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| Monday, September 05, 2005 |
| torpe. |
the best advice i've ever given any girl (or guy)...
mixed signals is as good as no signal.
kinda like the mobile phone...how can you actually communicate with a fluctuating and inconsistent signal? i pity everyone who holds their breath for a phone call or text message...all for nothing. i know your life shouldn't stop for anyone else and i am a firm believer and practitioner of that belief...but it is also hard to stop hoping.
that was why i came up with this piece of phrase for everyone out there. and it has been well accepted with much bravado. it has saved friends from a lot of wasted time and tears. It is in the same tone of gary gnu: no gnus is gud gnus like gary gnus.
Torpe by Barbie's Cradle |
| posted by maldita @ 10:37 AM
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| Saturday, September 03, 2005 |
| bee girl. |
Yesterday was intensely fun...it was planned as girls night out but turned out to be girls day for me.
Since i had stayed up late (at home) the night before, I woke up just in time to take a quick shower, get gas and rush out to pick up the whole bunch for lunch. It was planned for just me, bro and baby girl to hang out but then several others had heard about it and were keen on getting out of the office to finally meet up with me after a month of missing.
It was hilarious seeing everyone piling into my teensy car. imagine a whole bunch of girls in the back seat, continuously chattering, laughing and famished. There was a time when the one of the far right wanted to see my always-delectable-dashboard and practically plunged on the other girls to get a better view. We enjoyed a hearty lunch at cafe bola but amidst a lot of catty conspiracies against the imfamous bitches-of-eastwick who screwed me over in the past bigtime.
Afterwards I just got a few hours of errand-hopping and a massage to boot. i'm getting addicted to this. but if it means helping me relax, i deserve it anyway. Then the two favorite "munching monsters" made our plans to (finally) catch Sky High before a late dinner. woopee!
Then we strolled a bit around the mall, but only for the sole purpose of finding a place to eat, and ended up in People's Palace. I had wanted to try it for a while now, having enjoyed it in the past when it was still located in Malate. I can't seem to remember who my date was back in those days, though. Finally, caught some coffee, cappuccino and cake at Bizu.
Thanks to the external forces of doom, my general disposition was starting to weaken and brood. Aaah the irritable rays emanating from my face and mind. They still exist, but I try to keep them dormant most of the time. I had to reconvene with the terrible trio before it was too late. I flew (drove) to the princess' castle where we waited for debonair D - aka double d - to plan our next move.
And the move was to Maestro. Where the pumping music heard above the windows obviously spelled disaster. Then trekked off to Luce nearby where familiar faces greeted us and gentlemen offered us seats. Gorging the alcoholic elixir was not enough to weaken us enough to dispell the need for food. So off we went to Mati to catch the final leg of the jazz night. But we were too late.
And so we flew back to homebase, after having a relatively productive evening. Another day, another night. Every little bit helps to save our stagnant lives from eternal damnation and boredom.
Bee Girl by Pearl Jam |
| posted by maldita @ 12:08 AM
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