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| Tuesday, August 30, 2005 |
| learn to fly. |
sometimes you're in such a great place that you forget to look around. there can be good ruts and bad ruts. it's easier to spot the bad ones, it makes you change almost immediately. as soon as the tears set in. but we also get caught up in the ones that make us flutter around. but never go anywhere. where are we supposed to go anyway?
i had a good cry and a good talk with marc the other day. and he said he likes the ME version 2.0 that seems to have risen from the developers depths at the onset of this year. sometimes i long for ME version 1.0 who was too cold and flicked off every thing as if they had no significance in my life. not this one, anyway. and i made a million mistakes that i continue to pay for to this day. i hurt so many people. i belittled much. i thought it made me insusceptible to pain.
but version 2.0 now seems more like the beta version. the one who may be more sensitive but also does not take anything for granted. i get hurt more but nothing and no one is a passing fancy. its going back to the roots of why i wanted to identify myself from everyone else.
is there a version 3.0 though? the one who develops outside the walls of these stifling waters? i see it as the final development. the one where i am comfortable with myself and doing the things i love to do.
it's easy to get caught up in day-to-day activities, especially the happy rut... forgetting that you were put on this earth to make a difference. there is something to be said about stepping out of your comfort zone. cliche as that sounds.
and it has become too comfortable. yet again.
Learn To Fly by Foo Fighters |
posted by maldita @ 1:46 PM
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| silent lucidity. |
it was all a dream. that's all it was.
I rest my head
Between the bed and sky
Download my dread
Disarm my mind, make it dry
Nothing in motion, and I'm satisfied
No disappointment, until I wake up
Don't want to wake up
Into clear space
Vivid vision, see her shape
At my bedside, beam up my mind please
- Until I Wake Up by Dishwalla
Hush now don’t cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You’re lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head...
- Silent Lucidity by Queensryche
i'll never speak of this again.
thank you. and again, sorry. |
| posted by maldita @ 1:28 PM
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| Monday, August 29, 2005 |
| every little thing |
Materialism isn’t what you initially think it is. It’s not being necessarily attached to objects as a sign of wealth or pride. I noticed that how material things are possessed is a better indicator of intention and affection.
Ever notice that when someone lends you something, it’s not just out of the kindness of their hearts but also because they don’t see an end to your relationship? They know that they’ll see you again. They know that in some distant point in the future, you will still be friends or lovers that you will have a future opportunity to return them. Because if you didn’t, why lend it in the first place? If there was doubt that they would not see you or the lent object again, it would not be released from their hands at all.
Or what about gifts given? It’s a sign that they know what you want, and are capable and willing to give it. But it’s also a sharing of themselves. The effort of selecting, purchasing it and offering it to you is an investment of their time and energy. All to make you happy. But. You don’t know if the recipient necessarily wants to obtain that any outlay from you. That’s another story.
It’s hard to find out if someone returns your fervor. All we are really sure of is how we ourselves feel. So it’s only natural that we know what we want to give and who we want to give it to. But not all gifts are well received. Like men know that women like receiving flowers. Very true. But many men can attest that although they have given these flowers, even the most beautiful and rare, are also often rejected. They like the flowers but do not welcome the part of you that comes with it.
I once received a bouquet of flowers of the prettiest pink. They were gorgeous. I received them two days after our first date. And the note simply said he wished me a good week. It’s really sweet if you look at it from a third person point of view. But it had freaked me out. I thought it was too much too soon. Not that he had done anything wrong. How was he to know that I did not welcome the part of him that came with the gift? I never returned his calls after my immediate thank you text message. No reason to keep him wanting when there was nothing.
And what about those things you buy together? Those are common trinkets that you have agreed to share, kind of like the commitment you have both attested to. Another friend had gone on a shopping trip with his then girlfriend to buy a puppy. But after breaking up with her, all he missed was the pup and the effort he made to take care of it. So sometimes the sentiment of each item is what is left. But the person you share it with is not. He finally told her to stop asking for alimony every time the little tyke got sick. He resolved to move on and let her move on as well.
Sometimes words and actions are not enough. The best things in life are not things. But things can be ciphers of what is unspoken and undemonstrated for the introverted heart. I don’t care if the man I like won’t give me any flowers or any pricey gifts. If he gave me small notes on tissue paper each day I’d still adore him. The significance for me is the consistency of his ardor. It’s the notion that he thought of me at least once for the past 24 hours.
Every Little Thing by Dishwalla |
| posted by maldita @ 9:01 PM
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| Friday, August 26, 2005 |
| hold you down. |
With tons of drama in recent days due to external circumstances, the Overtone-Coppertone support group manages to still go to Yaku on Thursdays, Capones on every night of the week, laugh out loud, and hold each other down.
Finally! We have a complete group shot!
You've always been there for me
And you had my back
(When they) Back when everybody said
I wasn't anything
It was you who had me holdin' on
No matter what was goin' on
So no whatever ya need I got you
You don't know how much you mean to me
Whenever you're down
You know that you can lean on me
No matter the situation
I'm gonna hold you down
Now my loyalty, will always be
With you, if you just promise me
That you'll stay real just like you are
'Cause baby you don't have to change
- Hold You Down by Jennifer Lopez |
| posted by maldita @ 8:05 PM
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| your move. |
Can anyone please find me this CD? i really want to have it.
For one thing...it would make my mommy really happy if i could give it to her. I'll just rip the songs for my own use. i can only listen to a short clip of the songs on amazon to sample it, and i heard his incredibly mellow voice on oprah before.
I admire people who have risen from difficulty. The courage comes not before but after you've taken the terrifying leap. And it's people like him who inspire the rest of us with comparatively easy lives that we can do anything if we just make that difficult decision to do it.
Your Move by Robert Downey Jr. |
| posted by maldita @ 2:25 AM
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| Tuesday, August 23, 2005 |
| digital something. |
I just watched Interstella 5555 and it was just sooooo uplifting. makes you feel like your life is great just because you tried. it gives life meaning.
Last night I had a dream about you
In this dream I'm dancing right beside you
And it looked like everyone was having fun
the kind of feeling I've waited so long
Don't stop come a little closer
As we jam the rhythm gets stronger
There's nothing wrong with just a little little fun
We were dancing all night long
The time is right to put my arms around you
You're feeling right
You wrap your arms around too
But suddenly I feel the shining sun
Before I knew it this dream was all gone
Ooh I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
I wish this dream comes true
Why don't you play the game ?
- Digital Love by Daft Punk
It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there's something about us I want to say
Cause there's something between us anyway
I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there's something about us I've got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you
I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
I love you more than anyone in my life
- Something About Us by Daft Punk
i want this to be me...playing the bass. heehee. with him by my side? |
| posted by maldita @ 1:29 AM
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| we used to be friends. |
don't you sometimes feel like you've drifted apart from some people you used to call friends? you've known them for years, since back in the days of school and yonder but they don't really know you. you don't really know them. maybe you don't even know who still cares and who doesn't.
well i know which ones i've felt more comfortable with. but there are some who just make me feel like an outsider all the time.
i know i've changed considerably. and so have they. i was always older and had tons of advice for them when needed. I used to go out a lot more also which helped the assumption that i had more experience to learn from. but we've all become our own persons and when the need is gone...i don't feel like there's much left anymore.
There are only less than a handful who i can say I listen to when they tell me about their lives...well, they're the only ones who actually tell me about it. They're also the only ones who are interested in mine as well.
It's no one's fault, i guess. these things just happen. but i feel a pit in my stomach wishing i could have prevented it perhaps. I also hope it never happens to me and the rest of the friends I have now.
A long time ago
We used to be friends
But I haven't thought of you lately at all
If ever again
A greeting i send to you
Short and sweet, to the soul I intend
It's something I said
Or someone I know
Or you called me up
Maybe I wasn't home
Now everybody needs some time
And everybody knows
The rest of it's fine
And everybody knows
We Used to Be Friends by Dandy Warhols
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| posted by maldita @ 11:42 AM
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| Tuesday, August 16, 2005 |
| Time wounds all heels. |
i wrote a new poem which i gave to jay in case he could make it into a song like the other one.
finished 6 of the 7 narnia chronicle books in one blow last night.
resting easy now, thinking of my tasks to do today.
i want an early morning walk and to enjoy a bowl of cereal for breakfast like in the move Someone Like You.
still thinking of what to draw for the art contest. maybe if i had some other spark of inspiration...
Dream Some by Shelby Lynne |
| posted by maldita @ 11:01 PM
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| turkish delight. |
The British are coming...and have probably done it great again.
With the chronicles originally starting out in London, it's only proper that the actors be taken from their roster. I swear if Dakota Fanning was cast as Lucy I would violently protest american movies. Ugh. can't stand her.
I can't really decide which of the Narnia Chronicle books I like best but having first been exposed to the animated feature of The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe that triggered my appetite - I look forward to the movie. |
| posted by maldita @ 5:54 AM
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| Monday, August 15, 2005 |
| show me how to live. |
Thanks to the overtone boys, debbie and chris…this jobless rut I’m in is much more bearable than the time when I got back from SF (see entries of late 2004). It’s much easier to wake up each morning to a conference request and you know that the next few hours are just filled with hilarious taunts and talk of food.
Today, or actually yesterday, we spent the afternoon walking around Market Market…with the sole purpose of finding socks. Don’t ask me how that consumed several hours but it did. Inclusive of a food trip of barbecue, inihaw, shawarma and bibingka.
If not for them, I would never have gotten my ass out of this chair which also prompted me to get that overdue application for the Philippine Art Awards. Now I’m figuring out what I’m going to draw…I have around two months to finish so I can make a real constructive piece.
But they just left and I feel sad again. It’s not that their company is a temporary escape but probably because I find myself awake again at 4am contemplating certain issues and problems…the lack of something I’ve wanted for too long. Security of self.
Staying awake like this keeps you questioning what you wish to happen or what could have been. They’ve seen me cry a million times already but I try not to anymore. But it’s all still there. I told chris once before that I can cry on call. But I’ve also developed this strength to hold it in at inopportune times. If this ashtray could talk. I smoke way too much nowadays and it’s sometimes scary.
Tonight, during the band rehearsal, I saw the copy of my old poem that the guys printed out to make into a song. I thought it was sad that even though I wrote that several years ago the lines still ring true. Has nothing changed? Has nothing improved? It still wrenches my gut as when I first wrote it. Not for the man I wrote it for but for the many others it held through for succeeding years. Shouldn’t there be an improvement? The past years can’t have been for naught. But I can’t see the lessons I’m supposed to have learned from going through the motions.
Show Me How To Live by Audioslave |
| posted by maldita @ 12:34 PM
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| Sunday, August 14, 2005 |
| dyslexic heart |
i don't know any geminis! hmm...
You should be dating a Gemini
21 May - 20 June
This mate is inquisitive, entertaining and
charming, liberal, broad-minded and youthful.
Though Gemini has a tendency to be impatient,
gossipy and sometimes irritable, this twin has
the ability to expresses his or her pent up
emotions during sex!
What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla
Dyslexic Heart by Paul Westerberg |
| posted by maldita @ 11:03 PM
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| fool to think. |
but a girl can dream right? awww. everytime i see him I can't help but wish he'd do something. say something. some semblance of hope that it is a possibility.
i refuse to tell anyone who my crush is. aside from the filipino belief that it might not come true...i can have this one little secret affection all to myself.
And when you look closer at the words...it all makes sense to this little neurotic brain of mine. heehee.
Look at me dreaming of you
All I could hope is to have you
To have you walking with me
Laughing so in love, we two
Almost drunkenly
I did imbibe of this
Fantasy of you and me
I've grown tired of love
You are the trouble with me
I watch you walk right by
I smile, you do not notice me
But the silence in me is screaming
Won't you come and get me?
Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?
You make a mess of me here
I dance a thousand steps for you
If you say yes to me
I'll be whatever gets you through
- Fool To Think by Dave Matthews Band |
| posted by maldita @ 5:32 AM
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| sunday morning. |
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRISTINA!
you gorgeous vixen!
you were true to your word in getting everyone fuckin' drunk last night. your party was soooo fun! as expected...i wish i had taken more pictures - so sorry honey! but i got enough to fill your gmail account. i hope you enjoyed your birthday as much as we did. love you baybeh!
click the picture to get more shots of the party
still more to come as soon as the others send their own camshots.
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| posted by maldita @ 12:12 AM
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| Saturday, August 13, 2005 |
| change clothes. |
Girls have evolved so much in terms of dress sense and style. A lot of girls have used less material and boys have started looking more often. There has been a resurgence of discussion for our own-coined term: the slutty top. These pieces of flirtatious garb has been called in jest since probably back in high school they would not be acceptable for public consumption. Even at that time, my outfit composed of just a tight vest and jeans and nothing else was considered improper for a night out to party. But now. Look at the girls with their ever-shortening skirts and ever-lowering tops and that would have been tame by comparison.
Even with a lot of criticism regarding women’s sense of what is proper and decent has been as blurred as the line crossed by friends-with-benefits, both genders agree that manila women still look good. Probably because they keep updated with new looks and designs…you will rarely see someone here wearing what has been considered passé unless of course it’s Halloween or a costume party. Surprisingly we have all still stored all our clothes from the eighties and probably early nineties to save for such occasions.
But men. Now that’s another story. I swear someone should put up a memorandum instigating that all pleated pants be banned for the rest of history. I haven’t seen much of the white socks and leather shoes so at least that’s a relief but the old oversized polo Ralph shirts must go. You know what I’m talking about – the ones that reach until the knees. Oh heaven help us. Big as they may be, hiphop style it ain’t. So scrap those.
There has been a uprising of the well-dressed man in the recent years. Short of using the much debauched M-word, it was an indication of the need for men who cared about how they looked. Thank you. But even this has been bastardized by guys who wear too tight shirts and even tighter pants. My dear little boys. If you cannot stretch to wrap your arms around us then it must be wrong. And if you have this gut breaking free of your waistline – the tight shirt is even worse. I can tell you that I have seen several of these to make me gag. Your clothes are so much more simpler to put together than ours and yet it is still misunderstood.
With this note I am glad that my guy friends have not so much as made these mistakes. Maybe because their uniform consists of clean t-shirts and well-fitting pants or jeans that only leave enough for our imagination to want to rip them off you. Haha! I have even seen those who wear the simplest of house clothes and still look salivatingly gorgeous. Why? Because they are neat. And free of frills. So being vain enough to pick the simplest and leanest of clothes is not just a gay trait but more a decision to look better. Most of you expect us to dress properly so wouldn’t it be right for you to do the same?
Although I do recall seeing someone wearing just black brief shorts (is that what you call them? Not boxers or briefs but in between) and just wanting to melt and faint at the same time. Yumyum. So these hot guys can wear just about anything (or nothing) and still look good. I swear his image will forever be ingrained in my brain for as long as I need to smile deviously.
I guess it’s just a matter of dressing for your body type. For the rest of us imperfect bods, we still have hope to project this luscious description with the right clothes kept on. That is, until they are taken off.
listening to: Change Clothes by Jay-Z |
| posted by maldita @ 2:33 AM
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| Thursday, August 11, 2005 |
| time suckage |
my own southpark character design
thanks to miguel for the link. |
| posted by maldita @ 11:53 PM
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| listen to the rain |
The rain has not stopped pouring the whole day. Since I was on the road for most of the day doing errands, going to an interview and whatnot, I haven't had much time to return messages or phone calls. And as soon as I got home, I just fell asleep. Darnit. Missed Family Guy again but was able to catch The Apprentice and Desperate Housewives over dinner leftovers. (I put the link of Apprentice Season 2 because some of you might not want to see Season 3's winner just yet)
Then I went to catch up with all the messages...rain really has an effect on people's psyche. As far as I can tell, i think it's the fact that no one leaves the house to avoid any of the flu-ingested drops...and that leads to some alone time...that leads to too much thought...and dissatisfaction.
So instead of the flu, some are stricken with loneliness, inadequacy-with-income issues, love troubles or just the lack thereof. Sigh. Like the worst kind of cabin fever.
I'm here outside in the patio having my cigarette when dad comes out and says - "I really like the rain. It's so relaxing. and the weather is great." And you know what? that's true! it's very relaxing. I get to wear all my favorite coats and sweaters again. I personally like the convenient excuse to stay in bed all day. I just mellow out in my little chair, nursing a warm cuppa joe and a good book. I'm not really sad at all.
At least I'm in a good frame of mind to help everyone else get out of their doldrums.
Listen to each drop of rain
Whispering secrets in rain
Magically searching for someone to hear
That story be more than it hides
Please don't let go
Can't we stay for a while
It's just too hard to say goodbye
Listen to the rain
listen to the rain
Weeping
I stand alone in the storm
Suddenly sweet words they know
Hurry they say for you haven't much time
Open your eyes to the love around you
You may feel you're alone
But I'm here still with you
You can do what you dream
Just remember to listen to the rain
Listen
- Listen to the Rain by Evanescence
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| posted by maldita @ 8:42 AM
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| Tuesday, August 09, 2005 |
| the mind plays tricks. |
have you ever had this very distinct memory of something in the past...then you are made to realize that it was all very different from how you remember it? i'm still shocked with this conversation i just had with an old flame. Apparently what i remember is so different when he explained things from his perspective of our relationship. unbelievable.
completely twisted. and there's no bullshit because there really is no need for it after several years that has passed and our friendship has persisted through.
regret of what could have been. but it could just be for the best, fate has a way of taking two wrong people apart whether they agree or not. |
| posted by maldita @ 3:30 AM
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| Booze-free. |
Last Sunday, i had my usual - lunch at Sugi with the family, trek around Greenbelt mall then had coffee at Starbucks. But i didn't have much during the day since I was saving my appetite (and stomach space) for the dinner ahead. It was my backup boy's birthday dinner at his house.
i've seen his place from outside before but never inside. I was only casually dressed in jeans and flowy (how convenient) top when i came inside to see several tables decked out in fine dining regalia. His mom greeted me and Erik with open arms and introduced us to the grandparents. Well, he did say it was just a small gathering of family and friends. I had no idea his mom had 11 siblings! it was more like a whole clan and a few friends. So the few of us in the same age group - yes, i consider myself still one of them - huddled in the den to catch some wrestling on tv till the food was served.
Ah the food. I was absolutely delighted to see the buffet spread. backup boy's dad cooks really well from what I heard...and definitely didn't disappoint. From the tinapa and gourmet cheese filled appetizers to the salmon casserole, salsa rice, barbecued spareribs drizzled in spicy sauce, grilled chicken and putanesca. phew. even the simple potato salad was scrumptious. And we topped it all off with apple pie ala mode. damn. i remember having conversations in the first 5 minutes but after that it was every mouth for itself.
We then plopped ourselves inside the den once again but this time to catch Jack TV. it was amazing that the food didn't find its way out of our stomachs with all our laughter from Shorties Watching Shorties. For all those who caught the show that night, i have one word for you: click.
In between taunts, teasings and talks of trysts, we all raided his DVD collection and medical instruments - i mean, dental instruments! and then the guys wanted to check out my car again so we went outside to also sneak in some cigs. Then a hummer passes by. A friend apparently. I just stood there and stared at this kickass vehicle! i didn't even know anyone had one here in manila!
I thought the night would end there but then his mom came down and started pulling out all the photo albums! note that at this point everyone had gone home or to bed and we were the only ones up in the whole house. his mom is the coolest though. i've known her for years and we always got along so well. but it was a bit unnerving to have to see all the baby pictures in one blow. At this point my brother Erik was cracking up with laughter inside because it was a sight just seeing me on that sofa sifting through all those photographs with a mom and a boy on each side. It's kinda cute, if you think about it.
On the drive home, Erik and I just talked about how we enjoy nights out like this...with absolutely no need for alcohol to have a great time. |
| posted by maldita @ 1:14 AM
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| Monday, August 08, 2005 |
| Ease the moment. |
Say that this life's unkind
Blasted out silent mind and quiet pain
They say we run with a demon's lie
But sometimes they break
And sometimes the angels
Keep us safe from drowning
So find a reason to live
Silence, love is in reach
They say that my love is
I won't go away
And all of my demons die
They just fade away
They just fade away
Say that this life is kind
If you ease up the moment
And shine like the sun
They say we run with a demon's lie
But sometimes they break
And all of my demons die
Just fade away
- Ease the moment by Dishwalla
I resurrected this old CD i had where i had burned all these past memories and a lot of old haunts. Just to remember what it was like, how I was like when i was completely smitten. Yup. check. And just like clockwork, the greatest pain i ever felt came back to consume me. I initially wrote a very harsh entry - full of hate. to the man who took my heart and never gave it back. It's not fear that debilitates my capability. it's just that so much was taken away and it will probably take so much more time for me to regenerate it. so instead of writing that entry here...just living each day as it comes. |
| posted by maldita @ 1:24 AM
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| Friday, August 05, 2005 |
| horoscope weekly check-up |
| Quickie: Rethink your career strategy. Do you think you're heading in the right direction? |
| posted by maldita @ 12:53 AM
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| Tuesday, August 02, 2005 |
| go the distance. |
a good friend gave me her present sad story. guy meets girl. girl meets guy. guy has to leave in a few days to go home. girl feels sad. you've heard it all before. So i gave the most logical piece of advice - ever consider a long distance relationship?
I am probably one of the few rare advocators of long distance relationships. Why? because 1. you have your space - meaning you each have your own lives to lead. which brings me to 2. you miss each other all the time. it feels great. and with the wonders of the internet, you still have some means of communication on a daily basis. I've had two of these kinds and it was great. I still go to see my friends, family, had time alone - basically, i wasn't latched on to this other person for dear life. I had my own. and he just brought some added spark to it. a skip in my step. And when you guys finally have the time together? oh every minute is just worth it.
of course there are several points that others bring up to contest my thoughts. Such as, but isn't there a greater chance that he/she will cheat on you? well look, even if you're in the same city people still cheat. because they want to. and you can't watch them friggin twenty-four hours a day. talk about paranoia and obsession. Another case, won't it be easier to forget you? well the distance will be the testing point, won't it? if they give it up easily then it won't withstand the test of time, let alone something stressful like constant close proximity (marriage).
And the list goes on.
It could just beme. And my whole personal make up - i'm built for the distance seeing as i get stifled VERY easily. I've also seen a lot of LDR fall apart and I've seen them work out too. I've helped those who have a hard time by bringing up my points of defense and it has worked out well for them. But in all cases, both have to be into the commitment. not just one person. it doesn't work that way. |
| posted by maldita @ 10:55 PM
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