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| Saturday, November 25, 2006 |
| clear the area. |
I’ve had a series of major highs and major lows lately. My birthday being one of the most special and unbelievably ecstatic days of my life. I had expected it to be the same as others – greatly enjoyable with all those who remember me, and then I’m left with a feeling of imprudent questions. Like a hollow space inside. A string of fake or fleeting smiles. How can someone feel so despondent? Maybe it was halved between my pessimistic view and other by sheer fate that it resulted in such. But not the morning after, but a few days following.
My birthday was filled with the familiar and the unexpected. And I could not even write here about how happy I was. I just wanted to bask in it for as long as I could, selfishly and greedily. Because I feel I hardly ever feel this blissful. JB’s surprises made me feel so loved. So appreciated and special. My friends came over for dinner and the intimate group of my extended family made me feel like I’ve never lost them. The same jokes, stories, hugs and sweet stares.
Then back to reality. No matter how much I wanted to hold on to that day, I had to wake up early for work. Force my body to push it to the limits and be functional. I had a responsibility and there were no excuses. This extended to Saturday’s seminar. As much as I learn a lot, I hate giving up my weekend for it. I will be glad when the last session is over. (note: it ended today. i wrote this entry a week ago)
I can’t say I’ve been happy beyond those birthday days. To add injury, several of my people have been talking and told me that my “honeymoon stage is over. I have to work harder.” It scares me since I have been so exhausted already. Thinking that I have done nothing if not push myself to accomplish their expectations. Apparently, it has not even been close to what I am supposed to do.
I have felt this before. Abandoned but not really. When I was in the U.S. I had people with me, around me. But the loneliness or solidarity is inside. And it does not diminish with pithy bouts of drunken delusions. It is a pertinent choice to ignore it and take the day until it is over. Then on to the next. With this I am grateful for my daily drugs of implementation hazards. Work does keep me busy. So much that I have no room to feel sad. Until the end of the day, that is. But then I am anesthetized by physical nausea. And it is drowned out by the slumber. Is this all I am to do for the rest of my life? Just live like a zombie without any direction?
I write today with uncertainty. I do not know what I want but I am torn between several things. Decisions are meant to be difficult. Or else we wouldn’t take them so seriously. Because they affect the future. That’s why we are scared.
I am very happy for frances and raffy. They know what they want. They know they love each other enough to spend the rest of their lives together. If you see them now, you’ll know exactly what you’ve been striving to have. It’s a decision that will involve every detail of your future, and they’re happy with it.
there was an episode in scrubs where jd talked about how he couldn't handle "train wrecks". this is when everything happens at once and you're pressed for a decision. something that could contribute to the bitter whole of the future. small but not insignificant. and all elliot told him was "take a deep breath and it will all slow down." well i held in all that air. and exhaled. then took another. i guess i'll keep doing that until it works. i have the rest of my life. until i stop remembering how to breathe.
clear the area by imogen heap |
posted by maldita @ 9:05 AM
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