:: musings of a misfit ::: April 2006
Monday, April 24, 2006
do what you have to do.
Please say a prayer for JB. Tomorrow he will be taking the USMLE.
For us non-doctors, that's the United States Medical Licensing Examination.


Good luck hon! knock em' dead!
i have complete faith that all your hard work will pay off.

do what you have to do by sarah mclachlan
posted by maldita @ 6:51 AM  
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
weighed down.
i am a vent-er. Truly madly deeply.
why else would i have this blog, a journal and whatever else i can get my hands to write on.
it is sometimes misinterpreted as a need for advice or consolation but in reality, and from how i've strived to know myself over the years, just a need to blow off some steam.

I think this is vital for survival. Especially when an upsurge of emotions such as mine does on a regular basis, can wreck anyone's sanity.

i admire those who keep it together. and i've seen even the most intense scorpios do so. i thought it was me. my lack of control. and it really bothered the control-freak that i am. but later on a discovered that these same people have supportive loved ones who provide them with the listening ear or stability they need. so that's how they do it! they have these dual rock/sponges that simply give them a hug when needed, an ear on standby, a heart that empathizes, a shoulder to cry on, a pat on the back, a reassurance that everything will be alright.

lucky you. you get to be any of these to me simply by reading my blog rantings.

but in any case, thanks for listening. I needed that.

Scorpio horoscope quickie: There is no shame in asking for help. It's wise to realize you can't do it all.

weighed down by jars of clay
posted by maldita @ 10:54 AM  
i'm glad there is you.
maybe i'm not cut out for all this.
i always thought i was made of sterner stuff.
but now i'm left with so much doubt.
maybe i had been too complacent for too long.
i don't blame anyone for all my bad habits.
my body is cursing whoever can hear its laments
and bringing me down as often as it can.

i can't wait until next week. when all is done and said. time spent and well earned. I can just curl up in the arms of another and float off into some dreamworld, aside from the real one already existing.

and then...the daily grind kicks me back into oblivion. what we do to survive and live our dreams is a sacrifice of calm and contentment.

amazing though...how both big projects between me and jb have coincided within the same week. it's unavoidable how we're both very irritable, very stressed, very harassed and distracted. but never fail to check into our quality time slot where we hang our heads and hearts at the evening's end. my hands are tied to the project pillar that i feel so frustrated that i cannot be there by his side at all times...just when it's so crucial. But regardless of everything that could possibly thrown to distract us on this rope ladder we cross - i have complete faith in him and that all his hard effort is but a continuance and affirmation of my high regard.

in this world of ordinary people...
extraordinary people,
i'm glad there is you

in this world of overrated pleasures
and underrated treasures,
i'm glad there is you.

i live to love,
i love to live with you beside me
this role, so new
i'll muddle through with you
if you'll guide me through.

in this world where many play at love
and hardly any stay in love,
i'm glad there is you

more than ever, i'm glad there is you
said i many times, love is illusion...


i'm glad there is you by jamie cullum
posted by maldita @ 7:11 AM  
Sunday, April 16, 2006
gloomy sunday.
sundays seem to squeeze my innards dry. It is a regular occurrence for me to feel lonely and detached on sunday afternoons. After having had some family time and gone home. Exhibit A, B, C, D, E, F, G.

There isn't any particular reason for it...kind of like a weekly PMS thing. Which we all know is not a good thing. I guess it's because i never do anything on a sunday afternoon. or no one ever thinks of spending time with me then. I really don't have an explanation. Maybe it's the suggestive lazy sunday afternoon that doesn't sit well with me. It could also be the reason behind me identifying Sunday afternoons/evenings as my perfect date time. because that would hinder me from lying down on my bed and pondering as to who loves me or not. It's really stupid. and i wish i could stop doing it. I've tried. I usually leave the house and leisurely drive around the streets of makati without any destination. But i end up still feeling bad. I think it's company I need.

Not even talking to my baby could jolt me out of this melancholy mood. Well, it did. And I appreciate all his messages and conversations. But it was a momentary reprise. Because needless to say, he isn't the reason for my plaguing doldrums. He's already done so much...but this is a looming gloom that has been self-inflicted. It's up to me to slap myself out of it.

But as all bad days go...it has an end. Tomorrow morning, I'll wake up with my man's voice nudging me with sweetness. That will definitely be a great smile kick-off. Then it's off to work...and a pre-meeting with my new employer. I'm looking forward to starting the new job that will pay better as well as leave me my nights and weekends free again.

this entry sounds like a brat fest. i'm sure everyone will want to grab my head and shake it until i see all these great things right in front of me.

gloomy sunday by billie holiday
posted by maldita @ 3:50 AM  
Monday, April 10, 2006
photograph.
the trigger happy honcho is back in business!
meet my new baby!



photography by weezer
posted by maldita @ 12:26 AM  
Sunday, April 09, 2006
honey and the moon.
lately i've felt like my world has been turned upside down. in a good way. i'm changing a lot of things. getting used to working and the responsibility. re-learning past habits. evaluating priorities. nurturing a love that i never knew i could have. reconnecting with my family more. opening up myself to spiritual reclamation. It's not really a new direction. It's the exact same one but with a new outlook. new perspective.

i watched an old episode of scrubs over an early dinner by my lonesome. I can't help it...my eating clock just hits at around 4-5pm each day for some wierd reason. i've felt a strong fondness for that show every since i saw the first episode of the first season. it made me laugh. it had a moral in the end without being preachy or cheesy. but now it seems like a kinship. I learn more about jb's life and what it entails for as much as the script can carry. It also seizes issues that we go through each day.

the episode i saw tapped into the topic of people who ask for help. I once mentioned that i admire and have an affinity with the sadistic Dr. Cox. Tough love and all. And it kind of hit a nerve when JD told him that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It's more about opening up yourself to someone else. The thing is, i always did see it as a symbol of my vulnerability. One that i've never wanted to confirm or reveal. At the risk of being taken advantage of. Or left to its own lonely devices. Disappointment. Disregarded.

Mom told me something today. I forgot what we were talking about but it was with regards to my demeanor and closed-off interior. I said something about not being affectionate. not asking for help. not wanting to depend on anyone but myself. That's when she said - actually, you used to be. but i also saw you get hurt...so you shut yourself down. and only now you're trying to get it all back.

I couldn't argue. I couldn't disagree. I guess when you've been left alone more than once you tend to want to never ever depend on anyone to take care of you. Even when they want to. You instinctively tend to reject it and walk away. But not this time. It is a lonely road but i'm also glad i went through it. I got the strength i wanted. But as i thought about it - strength doesn't have to mean distant, detached or unfeeling. Needing someone other than yourself isn't a debility. Shutting yourself out doesn't make you impervious to pain. It just represses the anxiety.

but i'm older. yeah i know i am. in the past few years i've had to fend for myself - and with the help of great friends. Through bad jobs, bad relationships, and other destructive situations. I've become more comfortable with myself...knowing my own limits and my own desires. I can sit in the back porch by myself. no book in hand. no cigarette. just sit there and watch the world go by. When you know you have nothing to lose, that no one can threaten that special relationship you have with yourself...then you're ready to share your life.

no particular reason for this song...except that it helped me discover a new awesome singer for my roster of mp3s. and don't you love title of the song?
honey and the moon by joseph arthur
posted by maldita @ 5:40 AM  
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
no ordinary morning.
feeling weak, drained and melancholy. I seek solace in the soothing melody of Chicane...
though it transports me back to the beach and the calm i once had in my mind...
i want to be kidnapped and taken away to the sand and sun.

If there was nothing that I could say
Turned your back and you just walked away
Leaves me numb inside I think of you
Together is all I knew

We moved too fast but I had no signs
I would try to turn the hands of time
I look to you for a reason why
The love we had passed me by

And as the sun would set, you would rise
Fall from the sky into paradise
Is there no light in your heart for me
You've closed your eyes, you no longer see

There were no lies between me and you
You said nothing of what you knew
But there was still something in your eyes
Left me helpless and paralysed

You could give a million reasons change the world and change the tides
Could not give me the secrets of your heart and of your mind
In the darkness that surrounds me now there is no peace of mind
Your careless words undo me, leave the thought of us behind
You could give a million reasons change the world and change the time
Could not give me the secrets of your heart and of your mind
In the darkness that surrounds you know there is no peace of mind
Your careless words undo me, leave the thought of us behind

I first balked and laughed when i got this forwarded message last week. Thought of it as generic. But now I can't even erase it from my phone. It rings true every single day as a reminding mantra that everyone is allowed to make mistakes. and that i shouldn't hate myself or anyone for not being up to par with expectations. some things are just out of our control. but what we can manage is our own outlook. and to still work or make the effort. it's the only thing any of us can basically hope for from others and know within our own psyches that we are trying our best.

Live fully, have fun, be crazy, be weird, go out and screw up! don't try to be perfect or excellent for that matter. just be a good example of being human.Enjoy!

no ordinary morning by chicane
posted by maldita @ 10:23 PM  
Sunday, April 02, 2006
beautiful soul.
a lot of people call me cheesy...baduy. whatever. I like pop songs, like Hillary Duff. as well as alternative or rock. i just like music in general. me likey this song. the lyrics don't need much explanation. just straightforward and blunt. how i feel for my baby-dude. sometimes just the sound of his voice makes me forget everything that's bothering me. or remember everything good in my life.

I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

Your beautiful soul, yeah
You might need time to think it over
But im just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry c`mon lets try

Am I crazy for wanting you
Baby do you think you could want me too
I don't wanna waste your time
Do you see things the way I do
I just wanna know if you feel it too
There is nothing left to hide

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul


beautiful soul by jesse mccartney
posted by maldita @ 12:09 AM  
Saturday, April 01, 2006
demons.
In one’s personal heirarchy of needs there are basically three options: power, acknowledgement and money. I was asked this question before as a way to find direction and satisfaction in life. I easily answered acknowledgment as my greatest need or desire. This is the one that requires the least effort and yet it is the first thing that would make me feel satisfied. Good about myself. Appreciated.

I hate being taken for granted. Hate hate hate hate hate hate. I can’t say this enough. Hate hate hate hate not being appreciated. I could go on cursing to high heavens at the moment for so many things but I’ll just keep saying this: hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate…until I get too tired.

I hate all this indecision. Unappreciation. Uncertainty. Confusion. I was just telling drew earlier today about how I had mapped out my life since high school. I had every single objective or goal planned up until I would take my masters. And I did accomplish it all. A lot of forked roads but the objectives were all met. And since that fateful day in 2004 when I graduated from AIM, I have been the most lost little girl in the realms of my mind’s eye.

I don’t know why I feel so lonely at the moment. I felt so bad that I had to call Debbie and Norby who immediately rallied to my rescue and said they would see me tonight. Keep me company. Just help me forget the reasons for this perplexity I have not even determined yet. I need a release. I need to just not think or take care of anyone or anything. Just for one night. Just set aside all my cares and shitfaced responsibilities. Everyone needs that liberation. I refuge from insecurities, loneliness, lectures of how I should live my life.

Sometimes you just need an outlet for stuff inside. Especially me and my emotional baggage of bullcrap. I'm not a dependent kind of person. I rarely come out and call someone to ask for help. but when i do, you'll know i had already tried to take care of it by myself. I also hate being summed up by people. That they know how to fix me. to handle me. I've never been a sample of oversimplification so it is very difficult to understand me. Took my friends years to figure that out. I just need an outlet. I just need to focus on good things. If i can't figure out the source of my psychotic rampage, at least i know what will help me smile.

I wish I had a punching bag at the moment. Or a baseball bat wherein i can just hit that damn $%&*# ball out of the field. My mind is not working so I can’t even explain the reasons I feel this way. I have no strength to analyze the source of my repression or give rationale to my rage. I just know how I feel. And I feel Forlorn. Despondent. Weary.

@#$%&*#$!*&%$*@?$@#!
you know when you feel so bad about yourself that you eventually become so angered? that's what i'm going through now. I'll take N's advice and see if i can sleep this off. times like these i miss the bitch me. the one who couldn't get hurt. the one who inflicted pain and not the other way around.

maybe this is what chris was talking about in one of her earlier posts. Imbalance. When your life is not balanced, the scales tend to topple over and you're left a mess. I've been so preoccupied with too many things at the same time that i didn't notice that the scales have been tipping over the edge. and now it's fallen to the ground.

demons by guster
posted by maldita @ 2:59 AM  
 
 

she had eyes like two turntables mix(h)er in between my dreams and reality blend in ancient themes the bas(e)is of isis cross-faded to ankh the beat drops like a cliff over looking my heart - Saul Williams


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