:: musings of a misfit ::: July 2006
Sunday, July 30, 2006
wasted time.
"your timing just sucks." i've been told.

i think my perspective also sucks. Hard to have when you're kind of a self-centered emotional wreck. I also have a daydreaming kind of mind. So it takes extra effort to focus.

so putting it all together: your mind tends to wander a lot so when you're given instructions, you drift and it doesn't register right away. So many things are overlooked, forgotten and you get shit for this. Then your perspective sucks because you don't see where the other person is coming from. And timing is always wrong because of this overwhelming desire to do everything at once. Nothing and no one is given its apt priority. And then they all just don't see what's the point and leave.

I've also been told that it's best to simplify. It's hard to do that without structure. Too many tasks and responsibilities in all aspects of my life that its all come crashing down. Needed to take this large breath just to get everything back into its proper point of view.

I used to think that I was a multi-tasker. I was arrogant enough to think that I could handle it all. Turns out I can't. Not with all these faults of mine working together at the same time. So my stable frame has been chopped down and i'm humbled to the state of Lost.

But it's time to start fresh. Instead of being reactive, it's my chance to be pro-active. I already know the problems. Within myself and with all the uncontrollable circumstances. But there's always a choice to make. I just have to make the right ones.

“You cannot afford to wait for perfect conditions. Goal setting is often a matter of balancing timing against available resources. Opportunities are easily lost while waiting for perfect conditions.” - Gary Ryan Blair

I'm sorry to say it had to take a catalyst such as this, to wake me out of my self-pity slumber. I have the choice to make things right. I have the choice to listen instead of cry. I have the reason to prioritize the once-in-a-lifetime chances. I realize that I've always had this choice to make things right. And i will.

"Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little." - Edmund Burke

wasted time by the eagles
posted by maldita @ 2:41 AM  
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
i've been told that my managers' expectations of me are very high.
my mind is still on overdrive, trying to keep up with my own standards. and i don't think it's enough...or as fast as i'd like it to be.
hard to describe to others. so i won't even bother elaborating.
whatever advice you have for me? easier said than done so don't bother. you aren't helping.

caco sent me a nice thoughtful message the other day. frances also sent me a sweet message saying she missed me. it HAS been too long since we last talked or saw each other. bumped into old friends - jolly and marc last weekend who actually told me i looked so different. like i've become someone new, many changes and that it was a good thing.

but i'm still not in the zone. i'm still not comfortable. i'm still nervous. i'm still wishing for more time with my baby. i'm still hoping for bigger brain capacity. i'm still praying for patience.

As my friend IA said in her multiply blog: Decide.Commit.Resolve.
No matter how hard things seem to be in the short term, the long-term fruits make it all worth it.
posted by maldita @ 7:05 AM  
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
i'm never gonna give you up.
Quickie: Slow down your output. It's much better to be a thinker right now than a doer.

Overview:
Transformation doesn't necessarily have to be a difficult process. Be open to messages and signs from the universe about what you need to change, and you could find the whole procedure delightful.

Yesterday I had a wonderful time. Exhausted from day's work but still got all excited to meet JB at greenbelt for the Opening Night screening of Lady in the Water.(free tickets!) Nothing seems to perk up my spirits lately except for the knowledge that I will get to see the twinkle in his eye as he giggles and jokes. I can't help but laugh also. It's so contagious! I found the one man who can completely erase the rest of the world. When I'm with him, he's the only thing on my mind and in my eyes. I don't notice anyone else walking by.

I barely have time for anything else except work. (Does that statement sound all too familiar?) All other hours I can find to free up, I spend with him. even if it's just lounging around the house to watch a DVD. some nights i fall asleep on his chest while we're sitting on our living room sofa and I feel safe. Sound asleep in the arms I can call home.

In other news, work has been great even with all the hectic schedules. I have the BEST team. They are such great girls to work with. I can't be blessed with a more energetic, hilariously funny group of girls who - no matter how much work we pile up in their inboxes - still smile through and remain keen to get the work done. No whining. No gossip. Just a willingness to do well. Amazing.

Things aren't easy. That I admit. Working to accomplish your objectives. Balancing your life with loved ones. Of course, I miss my girls - frances, debbie and chris...but hopefully when I get the hang of things, I can breathe once again.

I'm never gonna give you up by Cynthia Rhodes and Frank Stallone
posted by maldita @ 6:59 AM  
Thursday, July 13, 2006
kiss of life...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!
i love you baby.

and i looooove this picture! heeheehee! you look like a superhero!

When I was led to you
I knew you were the one for me
I swear the whole world could feel my heartbeat
When I lay eyes on you
You wrapped me up in
The color of love
You gave me the kiss of life



kiss of life by sade
posted by maldita @ 8:46 AM  
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
loneliest girl in the world.
no one ever comments anymore.
but thanks to sadrina, aims and chris (and jb of course) for their comforting and encouraging messages about my job on my first days. see, that's the validation i was talking about!

i like cary brothers' songs. it reminds me of melancholy scenes from scrubs. the ones that are poignant. like when jd just stands in the middle of the busy hospital and everyone passes by at hyperspeed. or when he just runs aways...escapes.

but one of my favorites is after he talks to a patient about all the things that he wants to do before he dies. and realizes that he hasn't done anything. the episode ends with him lying on a field of grass. i always wanted to do that. just lie there and look straight up at the boundless sky. would be even better if i were hugging someone too.

need a hug.

loneliest girl in the world by cary brothers
posted by maldita @ 7:51 AM  
Monday, July 03, 2006
wasted time.
there are those in every office...

had my first day of corpy life today. It was still orientation but I'm pretty beat. got a taste of the inner gossip vine as well. I guess you can't avoid it when there are women where you work. I know that sounds kinda biased but honestly, so much work time is wasted with witches. nothing i can't handle. this is just a pinch compared to the coven i came from. But i just don't want to release the beast just yet. i wanna see if it's worth the energy...although right now, it's SO not.

Coincidentally, i just read an article in newsweek where someone was quoted: if you try to find validation in the workplace, then you're screwed. You find validation among the people who care about you. They're more important to you anyway.

True that. I miss saying that line. hehe.

By the way, have you seen the new sony ericsson phone? don't it look like an ipod? and it comes in white and black.


As my former boss told me last week - welcome back to the industry!

and so it begins...

It's your life
Don't you let em tell you when to bat your eyes
You're the only one who's gonna sacrifice
Makes no difference if you're right or wrong
Take that ride


Please check my baybeh's new blog too! foxdared.
we're still sprucing it up but feel free to read on! mwah!

wasted time by Kings of Leon
posted by maldita @ 5:53 AM  
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Changes.
Still don’t know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets and
Every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test

Changes
Turn and face the strange
Don’t want to be a richer man
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence
So the days float through my eyes
But stil the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They’re quite aware of what they’re going through

Changes
Don’t tell them to grow up and out of it
Where’s your shame
You’ve left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can’t trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Ah changes are taking the pace I’m going through

Pretty soon now you’re gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can’t trace time

changes by butterfly boucher
posted by maldita @ 6:19 AM  
 
 

she had eyes like two turntables mix(h)er in between my dreams and reality blend in ancient themes the bas(e)is of isis cross-faded to ankh the beat drops like a cliff over looking my heart - Saul Williams


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