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| Sunday, November 26, 2006 |
| all i want for christmas is you. |
has anyone noticed how lazy everyone is this holiday season? ayala avenue used to be filled with joy and tidings...now it's just some plastic decor, a few lights and not a smile in sight.
even with all the bazaars, you don't feel the spirit. No one is excited. It's really sad. I can say it isn't really something i'm looking forward to - since JB isn't here to share it with me. Would have been our first christmas together. It would have been nice to visit churches, do our shopping together and shifting dinners between both our families.
it isn't even cold. the air just doesn't have anything in it. I'm busy trying to put together two company presentations for the christmas party which is in about two weeks. sacre bleu! i don't know what to do. all i've done so far is gather songs that we could use but honestly, that's as far as it goes.
In the effort to get my own spirit into the holidays, i've thought of my christmas list, been playing songs and just trying to feel a little bit more positive. Hard when you're missing the love of your life who is 3,500 miles away. AND you're trying to get your butt in gear to finish next year's marketing plans.
The only thing that has actually been figured out is the annual christmas gathering of friends. Well, not really planned, but it was discussed. We have to do it before chris goes on her trip to vegas, as always. We figure that we would all get really dressed up and have dinner at Cuisine. Great food. and then probably pick up our skirts and get some christmas beer in beers paradise. hehe. and of course, how would a night be complete without ending up in capones. sad how we're so predictable that way but it's still a vast improvement from last year's plans that never happened. I think all we did was get dressed up to hang in my house before heading to capones. hehe.
well today i finally got my ipod fixed. they said i had overdrained its battery. and i bought a new cable so i could finally charge it again. never did find my original one. jb? honey? do you have it? i could have sworn i lent it to you :) anyway, got about three items off my personal to-do list and that's REALLY GOOD. maybe this week i'll get to do two or three more. like finally get my hair (that's until my waist already) cut and find time for a relaxing facial (i seem to be breaking out in zits recently. zits! i never get zits!)
now how does one ship gifts to north carolina...hmmm...
all i want for christmas is you by olivia olson |
posted by maldita @ 4:47 AM
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| Saturday, November 25, 2006 |
| clear the area. |
I’ve had a series of major highs and major lows lately. My birthday being one of the most special and unbelievably ecstatic days of my life. I had expected it to be the same as others – greatly enjoyable with all those who remember me, and then I’m left with a feeling of imprudent questions. Like a hollow space inside. A string of fake or fleeting smiles. How can someone feel so despondent? Maybe it was halved between my pessimistic view and other by sheer fate that it resulted in such. But not the morning after, but a few days following.
My birthday was filled with the familiar and the unexpected. And I could not even write here about how happy I was. I just wanted to bask in it for as long as I could, selfishly and greedily. Because I feel I hardly ever feel this blissful. JB’s surprises made me feel so loved. So appreciated and special. My friends came over for dinner and the intimate group of my extended family made me feel like I’ve never lost them. The same jokes, stories, hugs and sweet stares.
Then back to reality. No matter how much I wanted to hold on to that day, I had to wake up early for work. Force my body to push it to the limits and be functional. I had a responsibility and there were no excuses. This extended to Saturday’s seminar. As much as I learn a lot, I hate giving up my weekend for it. I will be glad when the last session is over. (note: it ended today. i wrote this entry a week ago)
I can’t say I’ve been happy beyond those birthday days. To add injury, several of my people have been talking and told me that my “honeymoon stage is over. I have to work harder.” It scares me since I have been so exhausted already. Thinking that I have done nothing if not push myself to accomplish their expectations. Apparently, it has not even been close to what I am supposed to do.
I have felt this before. Abandoned but not really. When I was in the U.S. I had people with me, around me. But the loneliness or solidarity is inside. And it does not diminish with pithy bouts of drunken delusions. It is a pertinent choice to ignore it and take the day until it is over. Then on to the next. With this I am grateful for my daily drugs of implementation hazards. Work does keep me busy. So much that I have no room to feel sad. Until the end of the day, that is. But then I am anesthetized by physical nausea. And it is drowned out by the slumber. Is this all I am to do for the rest of my life? Just live like a zombie without any direction?
I write today with uncertainty. I do not know what I want but I am torn between several things. Decisions are meant to be difficult. Or else we wouldn’t take them so seriously. Because they affect the future. That’s why we are scared.
I am very happy for frances and raffy. They know what they want. They know they love each other enough to spend the rest of their lives together. If you see them now, you’ll know exactly what you’ve been striving to have. It’s a decision that will involve every detail of your future, and they’re happy with it.
there was an episode in scrubs where jd talked about how he couldn't handle "train wrecks". this is when everything happens at once and you're pressed for a decision. something that could contribute to the bitter whole of the future. small but not insignificant. and all elliot told him was "take a deep breath and it will all slow down." well i held in all that air. and exhaled. then took another. i guess i'll keep doing that until it works. i have the rest of my life. until i stop remembering how to breathe.
clear the area by imogen heap |
| posted by maldita @ 9:05 AM
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