:: musings of a misfit ::: June 2004
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Heard this song on my flight here...heard it again today. Now the melodic sound of her voice is ringing in me set to soothe...so i looked for the words...

I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
'til the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky -What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin'...ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know.....I don't know

Well I've been afraid of changin'
because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older too....

So, take my love...take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills...
well the landslide will bring it down
The landslide will bring it down

- "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac
posted by maldita @ 10:23 PM  
Saturday, June 26, 2004
This is one damn good movie.

We tried to catch the 3pm screening yesterday only to find out that it was already sold out. So we luckily caught the 420pm screening and i have to say it is one of the best made documentaries i have ever seen! Michael Moore obviously did so much research and I was in awe at how he compiled everything...i didn't feel like it was a blatant effort to support the democratic party - it was merely telling a story that has evidently been under America's nose if they had just kept up with all the news. A lot of the footage was just taken from news reports but this producer/director/writer's humor and wit obviously stems into this inimitable talent.

Now I am the first to admit that i know jack shit about politics in America...then again, i also know jack shit about the politics in my own country. because honestly - i think we try to pass the blame on some high ranking corrupt official when all we need to do to make our own countries succeed is to work hard. get a job for crissakes! but im veering away from my topic...

So this docu is so good that even without prior knowledge of the men and women in office, he patiently briefs you on who are the powers that be that has led to a war that is so insanely happening at present. I doubt that any movie has led me to both tears and laughter within a span of minutes. Moore knows how to tell a story. One that would make even someone like me, who has no relevance to Bush, be so aware and care about what is happening. These insane (i can't say that enough)decisions that have been made are examples of disregard for lives of human beings. in favor of greed and selfishness.

I thank Michael Moore for making Fahrenheit 9/11 so for even a short while i focused my energy outward to something worthwhile.
posted by maldita @ 1:46 AM  
Friday, June 25, 2004
Keenan will be starring as Fat Albert in the upcoming movie! Gosh this brings me back to Saturday Fun Machine days!
posted by maldita @ 2:43 AM  
Thursday, June 24, 2004
You always choose the ones that hurt you. Choose the ones you can’t quite have. There are shoes that don’t quite fit… - “Pigeon Toes” by Goh Nakamura

There’s this saying that Miks reminded me of last night. He said you don’t choose your partner, they’re the ones who choose you. So much truth in that statement. What can you do about unrequited love? So many novels, such as the one I’m reading now, that speak of this romantic notion and countless movies have made a killing obsessing over it. But in real life, are we just wasting our time?

I’m sure all Americans that possess a television set as well Filipinos in Manila can attest to the promulgation of reality shows. We are fascinated with everyone else’s lives and we don’t even notice that we do the same in the conscious world. How ironic. We give our chosen partner a starring role, after many qualification rounds and auditions. But without realizing that they haven’t done the same for you. Everyone else is more of a priority and you only have a supporting role in their show – something like an extra or background prop. What kills us is the number of times we’ve left productions or get killed off the script and they don’t even notice. Like your presence had never even made any dent in the ratings.

So everyone says I should document my life as a soap opera…what about a reality tv show? Haha. I choose to share through my blog. With a sense of detachment and only a depiction or synopsis as to the insanely fast-paced sequence of emotions. It has its never-ending climaxes, “to be continued” recycle bins, and deleted scenes that I wish had never happened.

At present I have surrendered to wearing my glasses due to exhausted sob sessions. Physically I am tired and so should my heart be. When Harry met Sally they discussed in great length of how men and women can’t be friends. I wonder if that is really true.

But what really is killing me is the disappointment and frustration that my recent main actor was the one who auditioned and expressed his desire to be in my show on the basis of his own interest and aspirations. Only to find him now conveying his indifference and lack of value for my efforts. Why do I even bother?

I was the next to wait in line to be your surrogate valentine. I took a number and I started with nine and ended in letters I couldn’t define. I’m going away so you can be. I’m going away so you can breathe…it brings me to my knees and I will run away reluctantly so think about it. I wish that I could change my face tailoring it more to your taste. And I know you got a lot on your proverbial plate…and I will float away reluctantly so think about it. - “Surrogate Valentine” by Goh Nakamura
posted by maldita @ 3:34 PM  
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Never thought i'd say these guys were awesome...
posted by maldita @ 2:30 PM  
Saturday, June 19, 2004
had such an awesome evening yesterday. Met Miks at the Embarcadero station...had dinner at this Basque (French or Spanish? my guess is Spanish)restaurant called Piperade and agreed to sit at the community table. That's a first for me and it was a treat to meet some friendly people like that older couple who had just moved here. And i got a taste of just how enthusiastic people get when talking about baseball. haha! I was unexpectedly famished and wiped out the snapper i ordered.

We then found our way to the Rickshaw Stop where I met one of the owners, Chris to put up the Adam Has Crabs poster. By the way, I've reverted back to Currant 7's since i got here. Amidst the projection of what seemed to be an old Josephine Baker movie morphed with some kung-fu, Miks and i had proven that there are only two degrees of separation when filipinos are concerned! it is still so freaky we came from the same schools and lived in the same darn village but never met before...or even hung out at Polo Club!

I had a list of stuff that we could go to like the Divination event - must have been a really hush-hush bar bec we couldn't find it, too bad would have liked to see those brazilian dancers...watch the Wallflowers @ the Great American Music Hall - but we came too late...and the Swindle magazine release party @ club six on 6th street- but i didn't want miks to park his car in that area. And what a salivatingly nice car it is! So we ended up in this busy street in the Marina area and we had a drink at this bar with a fireplace he recommended. On our walk there I had already noticed a large amount of gorgeous well-dressed (straight!) men. hoo boy! it was unbelievable, every direction i looked there was a tall adorable guy and i wished cris and debbie were with me to enjoy the view. haha!

then the bad thing happened. my tummy felt queasy and in pain. until today i'm unsure why and i don't feel too good. Never felt this before, and i think i should be in Manila now to at least get to go to a doctor. Miks, being such a considerate (and now i can say) friend brought me straight home.

Dude! now i know why we got the same friends --because you're a straight up great guy! ;) And im not just saying that because i was so psyched about your gadgets and laptop haha! remember what i said, we missed the exit bec. it was fun...in between talks of comics, tunes and the "crossroads" that we are currently in.
posted by maldita @ 3:27 PM  
Thursday, June 17, 2004
am in a wierd mood now. irate and impatient. I don't really know why but i can identify a few accumulating things that could have resulted in this. I just feel like i don't need to please or try to be this happy bubbly person all the time if i don't want to. No one has the right to tell me who i should be right? It's their expectations not mine. Not my fault if anyone tries to classify me in ways that are not true. I've given my best to the most ungrateful of shits.

So i will just absorb myself in the music. Fuck the emo for now!
currently listening to:
Maps by Yeah yeah yeahs
Warning by Incubus
Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes
Cold Hard Bitch by Jet
Somebody told me by the Killers
Reptilia by the Strokes
The Dark of the Matinee by Franz Ferdinand
posted by maldita @ 9:08 PM  
A few things I feel I need to say…
Last night I felt inspiration hit me like a two-pound dumbbell on my noggin. It reeked of familiar tastes and wonder of introspection. Blow one came when I saw jim’s short film called Afterlife, knockout number two came when I heard Val recite her poem and the third came in minuscule spurts compounded into a few silent murmurs of my old wounds from listening to Bantercut Strategy’s songs.

As I was sitting inside sam’s apartment listening to Bantercut’s practice session I had written to Debbie of how my exposure to so much baring-of-souls in the past few weeks has fueled my creative juices that sometimes I feel to much to bear inside. But like a balloon with the opening shut tight, I can’t let it flow. What if I’m not supposed to? Could it be that I am rewarded with all of these for the only purpose that is introspection and not necessarily expression? Do I owe it to anyone to speak of thoughts in my head when I don’t feel like it? Like Val’s poem said, words would limit these intense feelings. Semantics cannot diminish its actuality and it shouldn’t have to be that way.

This afternoon I read a surprisingly revelatory article in Elle magazine of all things. I had noticed it existed for weeks now but had only read it today – maybe because it had such a dumb title of “Ethan Hawke on why men fall out of love”. Geezus. Is that supposed to make me buy the magazine? But I just bought it for Scarlett Johansson on the cover so go figure.

I was wondering whether the Ethan Hawke interview would just be a defensive piece or not. Apparently its because they’re doing a sequel to Before Sunrise. And I quote “the movie beautifully conveys what it’s like to immediately connect with someone, the frightening romantic free fall into another person that can – paradoxically – accompany moments of profound self-revelation.” And this Mensa member has his moments. The conversation between him and the writer is like an episode of your own life when you’re with a friend that instinctively makes you want to talk and listen. I know someone like that. No topic too shallow, no topic too profound. With the intense look of interest and enough of comfortable silences to give chances to breath and stillness. Hawke says “Most of the time when people break up, they just go on to meet the same demon with a new face. Usually it’s not the other person you can’t live with but yourself. So there’s a strong case to be made for staying in the relationship and looking that demon in the eyes.”

Too many demons in my subconscious. And these are great guys by the way. One gives me great conversation, another satisfaction. Almost all of them have claimed a connection. But they can’t give me what I want. The one who holds me when I sleep or looks at me from across the room. The one who eagerly experiences my life with me, not just asks me to talk about it – engages with my friends and family – the way I try to do with theirs. So I have been free falling down different cliffs of other people’s lives. Because I sincerely enjoyed it. But it’s probably about time that I hold out for that someone who will hold my hand and we both jump.

Running down a central reservation.
Last night's red dress
And I can still smell you on my fingers and taste you on my breath.
Stepping through brilliant shades of the color you bring
But this time, this time, this time
Is whatever I want it to mean.
- Central Reservation by Beth Orton
posted by maldita @ 3:29 PM  
I just watched this yesterday!
and will watch this on june 25
posted by maldita @ 1:03 PM  
Got piss drunk the other night. Puked on Mission street among other places. But surprisingly it was not as bad as it seemed. Or so I thought. It has always been the catalyst for me. It is like a gut-infested sign that you are not allowed to ignore even if you wanted to. A multitude of little details I never noticed before wound into a tight ball of ambivalence...and a non-negotiable I had overlooked recently has resurfaced as the most important one. So I wake up with that realization. Funny how just a tilt in the head or absence of warmth can mean so much.

On the other hand, am pretty happy because – in all my drunken splendor – I still managed to buy a CD of Goh Nakamura after hearing him perform in Ireland32’s that night. Woopee!
posted by maldita @ 12:52 PM  
Monday, June 14, 2004
i feel so fucked up. have no direction, don't know what i'm meant to do in this life in terms of realistic needs. Where am i supposed to work? where am i supposed to be?

So many great people have repeatedly told me throughout this entire trip that i shouldn't give up. But if they only knew how distraught i feel. Everyone says i should enjoy this vacation but there is a reason why i came here.

More of my friends and former classmates back home have started working already. And i just want that security. maybe i was too superficially optimistic and complacent that everything would drop in my lap. I felt this discouraged a few months ago when I couldn't find anything online. I've been searching for a job in SF since January! Now i'm here and still not a glimmer of hope. I suffer bouts of silence in between banter with friends because of this sense of uncertainty.

This feeling really sucks. I'm in this bleak, misplaced oblivion. Even my countless serendipity walks have led me nowhere.

So much for trying to abolish my obsessive-compulsion to plan every single goddarn thing in my life. Look where it led me.

june seems too late.
delayed...maybe for the better.
imagine us together
we're relatively stable and tentatively able
to say for certain
whether this uncertainty
is for sure


- "for sure" by American Football

posted by maldita @ 11:38 PM  
Which Band Should You Be In?
by couplandesque
Your Name
Band NameColdplay
RoleKeyboardist
TrademarkHair Colour Changes Constantly
Love InterestGuy Who Works At Wal-Mart
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

yess! me likey Coldplay! though i'd rather be the drummer than keyboardist...and a guy from wal-mart? is there employee discount?mwahaha!
posted by maldita @ 11:08 PM  
Last Friday will live in my memory in infamy. Then again, if you look at it – this WHOLE DAMN TRIP has changed my life and has been an experience of a lifetime. Just told my brother that the minute he graduates to take this leap. If I am living in San Francisco at that time then he can go and fly to bunk with me.

I had stayed home Thursday to get some work and jobhunting responsibilities done. My multi-tasker in me has weakened over time but practice can change that. I did a few errands and visited Safeway to get some prepared sustenance for me and jim. Passed out by around 10pm (uncanny!) but slumber broke around 6am Friday. Talk about exhilaration for BFD 2004!

A few glitches in the schedule were unavoidable so we arrived pretty late but hey, I doubt anything could ruin my mood. Take everything in stride…mantra of letting things flow at their own pace. Though we missed a few good bands that opened the stages and the pissing rude woman inspecting our bags – I was still a little baby in an amusement park as we entered the ticketmaster gate. Keep in mind, I have never attended a concert in another country, let alone a summer festival this trippy. Jim didn’t really notice but my insides were jumping jellybeans and I had twinkling stares behind my shades. The heat was a welcome quench for my skin and I think my nose should have been protected – I left with it red as a little berry.

We found an empty space next to a railing where I sat down to suck it all up between the Subsonic and Budweiser tent. Jim took a lap nap while I waited for Story of the Year to sing their one emo song, Sidewalks.


Deathcab for Cutie
was set to go on and we got as close as we could to the stage. I suggested that there should be a certain aisle just for short people. Grrr. If only I was light enough to sit on someone’s shoulders like I used to! But it was all worth the smell of sweat and flying elbows and peering beyong bobbing heads to get a glimpse of Ben Gibbard belt out For Whatever Reason and dedicating their performance to the legend that is Ray Charles.

Fast forward to the subsonic tent where we caught The Streets. The crowd was in upbeat mode and it was my turn to take a lap nap while jim chatted with his old friend, jeff. I can recall glancing to the left, in that grass bed to see this ‘delic couple resting on blankets. The guy had just dropped from sheer exhaustion and planted his head on his girl’s neck. Their arms and legs just entwined around each other as if to grasp their love and affection into one tight ball. It was one of the sweetest things I had seen.

Then time for Yeah yeah yeahs! Be trooped up to the main stage to find our own spot in the crowd. And I was just filled with AWE! Can’t say that enough. There were just so many people, amidst the crowd I was still so at ease and relaxed. Surrounded by great music, hovering clouds, smiling faces as we lied down on that clean grassy knoll. Later on the stars came out and breeze turned cold. And then came…the Beastie Boys! I couldn’t help but bounce around to the beats of this once non-existent band in the realm of my favor. I never quite understood why three guys and a mixer would be so great to hear – until I experienced it myself live.

The concert closed with the Strokes, caught lead singer Julian Casablancas mumbling something on the mic being totally incoherent. But they still kicked ass!

Thanks to jim for the extraordinary night!
posted by maldita @ 5:29 PM  
Thursday, June 10, 2004
I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind last Thursday (June 3). It has been described as one of the most romantic films you’ll ever see even if it has to do with a man intending to erase the memory of a relationship gone sour. I agree with reviews and critics who have said it speaks of how we’re doomed to repeat the past even if we can’t remember it but they hardly talk of the driver that pushes us to emotional impulse and irrational behavior. Such is the nature of the beast called passion.

Instead of looking at the subject of memory, I choose to perceive the movie in terms of my regret. How many of us have made a number of mistakes in the past which we wish had never happened? So it isn’t really the desire to forget but maybe a new start to relive the whole thing all over again. But as the movie shows, if you can’t remember anything in the first place then you’re most likely apt to do the exact same mistakes.

If I were Joel, I would have used the fact that Clementine had forgotten all about me and start fresh. Introduce myself again and woo her with the secret that I already know what tickles her fancy. And actually have the resolution of “this time it will be different.” But would that be a deception and violent attempt to destroy fate and its beauty? So I retract my suggestion to grasp the rationale of an individual’s depiction and consequence to everyone else.

As I had coffee in Berkeley today, I was presented with the same premise. That if the corollary of events had not happened – both optimistic and downbeat – then we wouldn’t have been sipping Peet’s coffee at that moment or enjoying the sunshine on the street. Simple plot and premise don’t you think? But the movie confers more than just a thought to live by. The images and depiction of how a “fucked-up girl” and her aloof lover encompass the wonder that is love found. The spotlight that followed them like a vacuum felt like a surge of energy. If one focuses on only this part of one’s memory then it will truly devour your mental fervor until there is nothing left to subsist for.

let's just forget everything said
and everything we did
best friends, better halves, goodbyes

and the autumn night when we realized
we were falling out of love
there were some things that were said
that weren't meant like we never did

not to be overly dramatic
i just think it's best ‘cause you can't miss what you forget
so let's just pretend everything and anything
between you and me was never meant


- Never Meant by American Football
posted by maldita @ 12:13 AM  
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
" Never been here - How about you ? "
You smile at my answer,You've given me the chance,
To be held and understood.

You leave me laughing without crying,There's no use denying,
For many times I've tried,Love has never felt as good.

Be it downtown or way up in the air,
When your heart's pounding,You know that I'm aware.

You make it easy to watch the world with love,
You make it easy to let the past be done,You make it easy.


How'd you do it ? How'd you find me ? How did I find you ?
How can this be true ? To be held and understood.

Keep it coming - no one's running. The lesson I'm learning
'Cause blessings are deserved by the trust that always could

- "you make it easy" by Air
posted by maldita @ 6:54 PM  
hung out in palo alto last night. Thanks to Miki and Glenda for being awesome! I just woke up now at noon and can't remove the smell of spilt wine and cigarettes on my jeans. dammit. in such a blank mood. empty emotions yet i know they're like this tornado building up inside.

Me likey the music of American Football. Especially the song Five Silent Miles. Apparently I have already worn out my eyes from crying over - whatever. I have these bouts of reflection as i loll around different apartments, dimly lit bars, streets of san francisco. But i never have anything to say. That explains my lack of thought here on my blog. this sucks.

was supposed to go home next week. yes, regardless of how happy i am...the damn thought crossed my head. you guessed it, running away again. maybe i don't need to go to manila. hmm how does london or singapore sound? can't stand to be still for too long. can't stand to be content for too long. need to jump, run, fly before it leaves a bitter taste in my sense.
posted by maldita @ 12:50 PM  
Friday, June 04, 2004
just want to rub it in...i'm going to watch this!!!

going to catch The Strokes, Violent Femmes, YeahYeahYeahs, Deathcab for cutie, Von Bondies, The Stills...
posted by maldita @ 5:39 PM  
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
new pictures uploaded!
posted by maldita @ 7:14 PM  
So much has happened. So little to say.

May 25 tue - watchd saul williams, had dinner in burma supermart, watched Goh Nakamura in Ireland32. conversation range: from japanese history and philippine culture to workload and alcohol intake paralysis.

May 26 wed - clarifyng coffee conundrum. taste of california heat (finally!)and wal-mart.

may 27 thu - strolled around berkeley, wanderlust in the telegraph area. comedy show at purple onion in northbeach feat. oliver saria, brent weinbach, kevin camia, tessie chua, edwin li, dan gabriel, leah eva, and sam.

may 28 fri - finally got my taco bell. walked Walnut street for over 20minutes to park myself on a bench. watch the day go by and drift. confirmed as of the evening: can, but direly need to practice ironing clothes.

may 29 sat - sunbathing on the balcony accompanied by murakami jam packed dinner in Pleasanton. Full of food, witnessed familial inducement and a freak of coincidence. Still can't believe i was invited. feel fortunate.

may 30 sun - backyard lunch straight out of a Real Simple magazine. Lazy Sunday psyche. Caught Yo La Tengo at the Fillmore - inspiring set up and layout. Attempted to enter Thirsty Bear party. Surrender the night to Marvin's apartment gathering.

may 31 Memorial (Mon)day - Engaging Barbecue Party at the Espinas' house. Such a light and sunny gathering of good people. From swimming in the pool to gorging on the menu to washing the dishes. Nothing is left without the sound of laughter and luminosity. Yeah, today was a beautiful day.
posted by maldita @ 12:26 AM  
 
 

she had eyes like two turntables mix(h)er in between my dreams and reality blend in ancient themes the bas(e)is of isis cross-faded to ankh the beat drops like a cliff over looking my heart - Saul Williams


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