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| Tuesday, January 10, 2006 |
| still fighting it. |
here i am hungover and don't feel like a million dollars due to having overslept again. got a wake up call from martin before he left for bora. went back to sleep. got another wake up call from frances. went back to sleep.
i think i'll stop the drinking binge this week first. my temper seems to rise during these times as fast as my budgets decrease. i heard some hurtful words last night that seemed to have been etched in my brain. it even materialized in my dream. it's so sad when you think someone is a friend but yet they can be so mean at times in a fit of retaliation from something less than what they thought. Or worse, they were just insensitive to your feelings.
i don't even need a romantic relationship to break my heart anymore. but i don't want to go back to my depression that started the end of october last year. it's not worth it. i even remember making a statement to debbie sometime during the evening that i'm such a bitch. but you know what, i'm only a bitch because i've always had mean friends who think they can take advantage of me whenever they can. and they did. but after being stepped all over and grinded into the ground all throughout high school and college, mainly because they knew i could never fight back - i know i don't deserve that. and i'd rather be alone than be subjected to that again. and i've learned to fight back. but with that comes 'the bitch' that you think i am.
but i've tried to control it. i know i can be tough and hurtful as well and so my best bet is to shut up. i've had several arguments with friends and boyfriends and i prefer not to talk until i've calmed down. because my words are like knives that can kill, especially when i'm that emotionally pumped up. sometimes i cry about it just so i don't have to discuss it anymore. sometimes i tell another friend - not to backbite but more to vent because it isn't a big enough deal to merit a session of long-winded pain. i've learned to accept people for who they are and what they can't change. hard to believe but it's really because i truly love them, no matter how many times they can irritate me or frustrate me. it doesn't diminish my care for them. i've gone through groups of friends who would tell me every little mistake i made and therefore reduced me into a pulp of insecurity. i don't ever want to do that to another human being. so this decision comes from a position of experience.
i may be known for my brutal honesty but this always comes from a position of telling you what you need to know (again, based on my opinion and i'm not always right) and not what you want to know. but i know it can be too much for some to take, so i always ask permission before giving it. if you don't want to hear my opinion, i totally respect that and i keep my views to myself. simple.
hmm...i don't think i've ever really talked about this to anyone before. and i'm posting it in a very public blog. geez. the only time i've had to confront all this is when i had roommates where i had a blast from the past - someone who knows she stepped all over me in high school. and another who was slowly beginning to do the same. and i was fighting back. this brought a realization to the guilty-party-of-the-past and an explanation for my rage for the other. at this point we had a long discussion where screams and tears were maximized. and i got the apology i never got ten years ago. we're all like sisters now. accepted each other for who we are and more importantly, what we change into.
it's a work-in-progress, this self-awareness and self-regulation. and contrary to what some friends have joked me about - i'm not really that mean. i'm not really a bitch. a bitch doesn't have a conscience, someone consistently mean for mean's sake. it's like the incredible hulk syndrome actually, the bitch only resurfaces when provoked. and i don't think anyone wants to be the punching bag of a someone's bad mood. all i can say now is ouch.
still fighting it by ben folds five |
posted by maldita @ 9:53 PM
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