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| Sunday, August 27, 2006 |
| two points for honesty. |
it finally happened.
Our singapore office hosts our internet and email access for the office and after almost two months, they included my blog in the sites that are forbidden. Aw shucks. So now i can only write and post when i get home. Oh well. Leaves me more focus time though. I guess it's all for the best.
Anyway, today I got to watch yet another chick flick...well, supposedly all romantic comedies or romcoms are unfairly called that but we can't help it - we love these movies! no matter how much i adore action films, art films etc. i'll always have a small soft spot for the sappy shit. I personally like to watch this with my girlfriends because we are the only ones who can gush and giggle at the absurdities of the hopeless and hopeful.
So i found another cliche-in-the-making line: i'd rather fight with you than make love to somebody else.
insane right? but illogically true for most of us who are in relationships that seem destined to doom or better yet...cling on to hope for that one good day that will make every fight disintegrate.
but before you think that it's deficient of all reason, there is a little glimmer of it. It's just a matter of comparison. Use your imagination. Between fighting with someone every day, would it really be much better not to have anyone to care about to fight with? Or make a contrast between that and being with someone else - there is the possibility of less fights or possibly new ones. It is just a personal assignment on the weight of these considerations. And the one that presents the greater value is the decision you've made.
Whenever someone tells me he or she wants to break up with their partner, i always ask them one question: what made you fall in love with them in the first place? and for whatever answer they give, i ask again: is it still a part of them? still inherent in who they are? if yes, then you need to think about your decision more. if not, then i would suggest they lean towards the other untreaded path.
 And as angie said to me last week - love isn't everything. but it should be the basis for everything. if it's not there, nothing else can exist. But if it is, then it's worth fighting for.
two points for honesty by guster |
posted by maldita @ 8:29 AM
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| Tuesday, August 22, 2006 |
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Please check out my mom's website... OWLBRUSH
IT'S SO GOOD! if i do say so myself :)
but no, i didn't make it...my brother, Erik did! he really amazes me. It's all flash pa.
he already has some more projects lined up...he's going to develop Extended Play Studios. I'm planning to finance it eventually.
mom's having her art exhibit this october. all my friends and loved ones are invited! especially since the theme is Friendship. hope i'll be free to go...don't know how i'm going to drive there in mandaluyong at night but i'll try. |
| posted by maldita @ 7:36 AM
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| Sunday, August 20, 2006 |
| better together. |
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? and where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together
Into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We'll Sit beneath the mango tree now
better together by jack johnson |
| posted by maldita @ 10:11 PM
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| Friday, August 18, 2006 |
| too much food. |
According to a report by Mayoclinic.com, these are the top ten greatest health foods:
1. Apples (my lola's apple pie can't be beat)
2. Almonds
3. Blueberries (does cheesecake count?)
4. Broccoli
5. Red Beans
6. Salmon (salmon sashimi from Sugi!)
7. Spinach (ooh spinach dip from Cibo!)
8. Sweet Potatoes
9. Vegetable Juice
10. Wheat Germ
So i guess four out of ten is...bad.
I really am not a healthy person. I mean cmon, my favorite food comes from just one animal - the pig. Anyone who has eaten bacon in my house can attest to that!
Oh will i ever be a vegetarian? Maybe the closest i can get is the macrobiotic diet that allows you to eat seafood, aside from fruits and vegetables. Mmmm...grilled prawns! but I still want my lemon butter sauce man.
i'm hopeless. my poor acidic little tummy and my achy, weak little heart.
too much food by jason mraz |
| posted by maldita @ 6:45 AM
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| Wednesday, August 16, 2006 |
| if i never get sick. |
I just got the best surprise. I've been sick in bed for the past two days...and i've become pretty yucky as you might expect. Trying to sweat the chills away, avoiding cold showers, and pretty much staying in bed because i'm just too weak to get up.
i often feel alone when i'm sick. because i wouldn't want anyone to see me in that gross state. and during the day, everyone's really busy. i always wondered how i would be able to stand it - living in the US by myself. not having my mom nearby. i don't really run to her for anything anymore (she didn't even know i was sick at home today) but it's the thought that she's just downstairs was like a security blanket. what if i didn't have that anymore?
So anyway, just as i was taking my umpteenth nap, i thought i heard someone come in the door. thinking it was my mom or the maid, i didn't really want to get up. but then they sounded too quiet. so i looked around and saw JB standing there in full doctor get up! he came to check up on me. even after 48 hour duty! i am still shocked how he could withstand staying up for 48 hours straight, and then drive all the way to makati just to check up on stinky ol' me. and he didn't get grossed out or anything. i had one ex-boyfriend who avoided me like the plague when i had a cold. the plague! but here's jb still hugging and kissing me. i guess that's love. though sometimes the words are what you need, i think times like these - he really doesn't need to say anything anymore.
It was really sweet. he actually gave me the checkup. he listened to my lungs with his stethoscope as i breathed and then he looked down my throat. then he reminded me on my medication dosage, checked my current meds (found out some were expired) and then left to go home.
It's like the dream i had last night. It also comes with watching Scrubs all the time. I knew JB was on duty in the hospital and we hardly see each other as it is. and since i was sick, i dreamt that i was a patient in the hospital. he would come in to check on me every so often so i got to see him more. it was great. except for me being sick-part. hehe.
see, i love surprises. more than anything else in the world. it makes me happy and giddy. and it's hard to surprise me so the rarity alone makes it special. jb always seems to give me that. last week he surprised me with the Grimace bobblehead i've been wanting. he is amazing. and for all the problems our relationship goes through, i don't give up because the good times still outweight the bad. not in quantity, but quality.
if i never get sick by the wallflowers |
| posted by maldita @ 11:08 PM
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| for keeps. |
Love doesn't mean they always leave. Love means you stick around.
No matter how hard things get.
- Darcy (played by Molly Ringwald)
For Keeps (1998) |
| posted by maldita @ 3:19 AM
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| Thursday, August 10, 2006 |
| so long. |
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl
it's a comforting feeling to know that no matter how long you disappear from the physical world of friends...they don't stop being just that. they don't stop caring. even if they haven't seen you in weeks or months. It's a kind of loyalty. We really shouldn't look down on "friend love" as below that of "romantic love". because it usually lasts longer. It withstands more than it can handle. Even if you're in love with your partner, you also need to be friends. It's a basic liking for each other that should be part of the foundation for everything else that you have.
I bumped into jolly last sunday and it was nice to catch up on recent developments. I'm so happy to hear he's excited on his upcoming marriage. He had lots of advice for me and insight. Same goes for an impromptu phone call from angie. Well, we had gotten in touch with each other for work reasons but ended up talking about the personal goings-on. Same reason with a call from Wesley. Under older circumstances, it would be a different kind of conversation - more about what the next drink would be. But having weaned myself out of the whole night scene, these periodic conversations have stirred up a straightforward and sincere kinship with these simple and nice people.
had a short text chat with another good friend last night. And he was encouraging me to be strong. That change is something to look forward to. It really is. And it isn't easy - definitely. But just like with all other difficult things, it's WORTH IT in the long run. We don't only have to put up with certain situations. We don't just have to tolerate it or retaliate with a fervent rejection. You might just end up with a bad ulcer. It's a slow but steady process of ACCEPTANCE. and APPRECIATION.
Pretty soon, it won't seem so hard anymore. At least that's what i'd like to believe. I hope i'm right.
Then he said something that left me at a loss. He said, remember and be the girl we all know. But I could not even distinguish who that was anymore. It's like a blank slate where everything has fallen apart and crumbled. It would be easy to just go back to how I used to be, but i know i don't want to go there anymore. so much has happened that can CHANGE a person. Then...I wonder who I am...? or better yet...who am i supposed to be now?
So many questions...so little time.
i'm just thinking out loud and rambling. don't mind me :)
so long by guster |
| posted by maldita @ 8:13 AM
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| Wednesday, August 09, 2006 |
| somewhere in the middle |
 i had just started transferring MP3s to my office laptop. God knows I need anything to help me relax and streamline my focusing skills. Too much happening in every direction. It's hard not to revert to existing problems even in the middle of composing email directions to my team.
But anyway, i just let my iTunes run on its own since this morning. I'm only until D artists. Then I heard this song and I just got flashbacks and goosebumps. what a combination. I don't know if that's bad or good. This song is like an old friend who you just bumped into again. warm and cold at the same time.
I was out the other day
and I saw you in your big black car
and I was waving as you were passing
cause I know who you are
you had this look that of an angel
it was such a bad disguise
did you think for a second I would not realize
tripping hard falling down onto the ground
cause I can't stand up
and I can't fall down
cause I'm somewhere in the middle of this
I was out the other night
and I saw you so we had a fight
and it was late and I was lonely
It was such a long way home
so I asked you if you'd join me
for a single last call drink
so you turned and bought us 2
and you didn't even blink
you had this look that of an angel
it was such a bad disguise
when you drink it makes you angry
when I drink I want you more and more and more
tripping hard falling down onto the ground
cause I can't stand up
and I can't fall down
cause I'm somewhere in the middle of this
Somewhere in the middle ..
You know I find it hard
I always tried to find the sane life
Somewhere in the middle ..
but I don't like the way things are
I keep falling to my knees
somewhere in the middle of this
ok back to work. If only I could shut down one half of my brain that keeps thinking of personal matters.
somewhere in the middle by dishwalla |
| posted by maldita @ 8:28 PM
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| Monday, August 07, 2006 |
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| sniff. |
| posted by maldita @ 6:34 AM
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| Sunday, August 06, 2006 |
| nandito pa rin. |
kahapon lamang nakita kita
Kunot nananaman ang iyong noo
mukhang nasaktan ka nanaman...
Kahit di mo ako napapansin
akoy nandito parin
kahit di mo ako nilalambing
Ikaw ay kukulitin
hanggan sa dulo ng mundo
di kita maiiwan
Di mo lang alam
na minamahal kita
...ipapakita ko sa iyo kung gaano kita kamahal
huwag mag alala di kita pababayaan
thanks to overtone for permission to post their song.
Overtone in action performing NANDITO PA RIN |
| posted by maldita @ 4:34 AM
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| cry. |
Why do we cry? I can think of two reasons: sadness and self-pity. This emotion has been brought to my attention countless times over the past two weeks. One time, someone told me – stop crying! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get it together! To which I just wanted to cry some more. Last night I was talking to a couple who has an adorable baby girl and they were discussing how they should never give her attention when she cries. This gets her to stop the habit of crying just to get what she wants. Ah, there’s another reason: to get attention. Then today I was looking through the bargain bin of National Bookstore and there was this book entitled: Crying. How to deal when you’re at the end of your rope. (they can find ANYTHING to write a book about nowadays).
Well anyway, this all got me thinking as to why some emotions are just so uncontrollable and why they reveal themselves at certain times. I also think of that one little question someone asked of me before: what do you look for in a partner? And I said, I’d like someone who’d hug me when I cried. It’s comfort and security. It showed that there was this person who cared about you enough to help you stop feeling sad, or sorry for yourself and give you that attention. (and also someone who loves you enough to still want you after you look like shit) Funny thing is, I’ve never really followed my own advice or opinion. I had a friend who would cry when she got drunk or for some problem. I always told her – take it, swallow it down, and move on. Do something about it. Tough love. I didn’t want to be the parent-type who would spoil her into crying for her problems. I wanted her to be strong. I really should listen to myself more often.
 So let’s go back and blame the childhood, shall we? When I was a kid, I didn’t cry. When my parents would scold me, I kept it in and took it. Whether I agreed with them or not. Whether I was sorry or not. I was stone cold. Same thing with friends in grade school till high school. No one gave me sympathy. No one hugged me when I was down. So I never showed it. I never wanted to cry or get angry. I just swallowed it whole. But then came Mt. Vesuvius erupting. I snapped at people. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I just didn’t want to be taken for granted, or told what to do. I just didn’t want anyone thinking they were better than me and I would continue to take whatever mean, hurtful things they said sitting down. I stood up, defended myself and shouted till their ears bled. And you could say I went overboard. I was the ice queen. I was sometimes as bad as the people who stepped all over me for so long. It protected me from everyone. You can’t get close enough if you tried. Thus came the tough love bitch you all know, love and hate.
But my self version 3.0 has become a confused child. Cowering and whimpering. Lacking in confidence, I softened up. But I think, as is my uncontrollable habit, I’ve overdone it. I lost my voice. I don’t really speak up anymore. I can barely carry a conversation with strangers with my usual friendly, pleasant exhuberance. I don’t know where it’s gone. I’m so afraid to make a mistake that I’d rather just keep quiet. Someone told me recently – where have you been? And they didn’t mean physically.
I don’t know. I wish I did. But self-awareness is the first step right? I know I need to find that level of moderation to get the best of both self-worlds I’ve encountered in the past 29 years. Maturity need not be the epitome of cold, uncaring and jaded. Experience should not teach you that. Being the submissive child need not be lost either. Sometimes, it’s nice to let others take the lead. Actually, I’ve always longed for the person who got so much of my respect that I would follow him willingly. I think I found him already.
But it’s up to me to grow. To be respected and whose opinion is given worth. If I don’t have anything to say then what good am I to be heard? Crying isn’t going to make it go away so I guess I’ll keep that to myself too. No one need see it anymore. Besides, if you cry and speak at the same time, no one will understand you. Let alone want to listen.
So I talk to the only one who always listens and loves me and will never leave me. Are you there God? It’s me Margie.
I wanted to hold you
i wanted to make it go away
I wanted to know you
I wanted to make your everything, all right....
these are the songs in your head when you go to karaoke bars for office gimiks twice in two weeks. yeesh. but then again, i'll always love A Walk to Remember!
cry by mandy moore |
| posted by maldita @ 3:25 AM
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