:: musings of a misfit ::: March 2004
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
I am FINALLY done with my MRR!!! WOOOHOOO!
passed with minor revisions. Defense was the other day.
It's taken me two days to recover and start posting here again.
Been drinking like a fish to celebrate hehe :)



and no, this is not an april fool's joke. one big leap closer to friggin graduation baybeeee!:D
posted by maldita @ 10:33 PM  
posted by maldita @ 10:29 PM  
Monday, March 29, 2004
apparently loser bitch just doesn't want to shut up.
do i smack her good or what?
haha. she's not even worth my sweet smelling fist up her loose ass.
probably has such a damn boring life that she has to keep referring to mine.

remember this is MY venting board so nobody tell me i can't fucking curse here when i want to!
posted by maldita @ 12:27 AM  
Sunday, March 28, 2004
Stayed stirring and conscious pretty much the whole morning. Have no more emotion left but whatever increments loneliness left behind. I saw the vanilla sky sunrise through the palm-like trees in front of my house. My garden out back really is the best recluse for hermits like me. Lucky you if you’ve been there with me. Aside from the sun peeping out from over the bows and breaks, had my usual pack of cigarettes and…would you believe grapes? Searched for some nibbles in the fridge earlier and staggered to find those little orbs– thank God seedless – which were like fate’s last-ditch efforts to resurrect my lost conscious memory. But still, the feelings were gone. How did they disappear? Lack of truth or wearing of my wills? All I know is, I too am flabbergasted that they drift and never return. Which is why I said only the remnants of seclusion can bring tears to my eyes. Because thoughts of past hopes leave me numb and impassive. Luckily, all remain linked to my life because I never forget good hearts. But romantic notions wither over time pending demise.

you say I only hear what I want to. And you say I talk so all the time. And I thought what I felt was simple and I thought that I don’t belong and now that I am leaving…yeah I missed you. I don’t pay attention to the distance that you’re running…I don’t understand if you really care. Lover is crying because the other won’t stay. You try to tell me that I’m clever…you said that I was naïve and I thought that I was strong. I thought hey I can leave…but I was wrong.- "Stay" by Lisa Loeb

“You’re amazing.” How I dream and dread those words. They could either mean either “wow” or “but…” I was talking to one of my girlfriends one evening and this topic came up. A few of us hear these words often and yet at times we want to slug the sayer of supposed soothes. Here’s my interpretation: “you are so great. You are amazing…but not enough. So there’s this other girl…”
And the soap opera lives on even enduring its low-ratings.
posted by maldita @ 4:59 PM  
Saturday, March 27, 2004
have an ironic statement.
i hate negativity.

met some great artists today. My right arm and right leg are still numb from sitting for over two hours for about 10 artists, including my mom. was really cool. Saw so many interpretations and even enjoyed the smoke breaks with them. In my spoiled state of living i sometimes forget and ignore much. and now i have 5 pieces of beautiful interpretations of light and my limbs to remind me each day. My favorite painting is the black and white one...used white and black pastel on gray felt paper. I don't know whether i should post the picture here for fear of accusations of vanity. But then again, this is my damn blog and i can fucking write or post whatever i want right?

I'm feeling deja vu...a boy once told me i did not know movies. or i wasn't creative enough because i was corporate. and in a recent conversation it was as if i was being forced into a cage of another person's creation. but who are you to tell me who i am? or who i should be? and yet look at these artists...they try to capture me based on what their own eyes see but never did i feel imprisoned or misinterpreted. why? because there is respect for individuality. i only took home the pieces i liked.

Hey the pianist is showing on April 11 on Star Movies. Oh goodie.
posted by maldita @ 9:07 AM  
Friday, March 26, 2004
i think i have promoted countless number of events already in this blog...and here's another one!

of course you will have to forgive pixelized image since i only created it through my usual powerpoint ;) i don't have time to use photoshop...hehe.

i wonder when my friends are going to pay me for the publicity i help them with...aaah kindness over the years...remembering the words of the Godfather...
posted by maldita @ 12:34 AM  
Sunday, March 21, 2004
i have temporarily lost my sense of direction. I am doubting my intentions to move to SF. now i feel like i could be running away from manila. and that is not good. just three more weeks of school and deadlines. Need to stop planning and handle priorities.

also need to go to the gym if i want to push through with wakeboarding next week. at least i fit into my two-piece suit...now i need to work on looking good inside it! har-har!;) damn i wanna go to the friggin beach!


trina & ed in our last boracay trip

shot i took of sadrina in subic
posted by maldita @ 8:53 PM  
remnants of watching 50 first dates...never thought i'd like a beachboys song!

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong
You know its gonna make it that much better when we can say goodnight and stay together
Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up in the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together, hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together we've been spending I wish that every kiss was neverending
Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be married and then we'd be happy
You know it seems the more we talk about it, it only makes it worse to live without it. Wouldn't it be nice?
posted by maldita @ 9:59 AM  
After a long hiatus, I rekindled a long lost pleasure although today my body has dropped from sheer exhaustion. I enjoy my memory of going through that experience with an improved state of mind and maturity.

My belief that all things happen for a reason allowed me to really appreciate the company of others but never forgetting that I am in control of my own actions.

Gone are the first 20 years of my life where I was ignorant of myself and the powers I held. The next six years were filled with letting them go almost to the brink of disaster. But awareness comes with sacrifices and difficulty. This past year has so many beautiful blessings to show for: detachments from needs, finding contentment in daily incidents, trusting my instincts, discovering my intuition, giving more to others. If the past 365 days is any indication of what the rest of my life will be then I am truly excited.

I promised a friend that I would write about the this weekend’s trysts on my blog. But instead I am writing about how it stirred my manifestation of thoughts. From Friday to Saturday it was like an exercise of influence without forgoing the gratification of new found friends as well as old ones. Lovely.

when i woke up Saturday evening from a rejuvenating siesta from the previous night’s (and morning) revelry, I recall someone telling me within the green fluid air that we were kindred spirits. Now where have a heard that before? Many times over. I used to readily believe these words as soon as they were freed from a man’s lips. Sorry to say my initial reaction was now one of cynicism. Not that I didn’t deem them sincere but I have qualms on the outside forces that pushed them to say such things. That conviction that they thought they had will fade. A wise man told me that it is one of those words that no one should give readily, like genius and love. Soulmates, significant others, mirror-image, kindred spirits. True. But maybe because we keep thinking that there is only one other person in the universe that reflects our true selves. Not true. Maybe its more than one person.

Being multi-faceted, everyone you find interesting can reflect one or a few slides of your persona which leads them to become striking and remarkable. But forget unearthing the ideal man or woman. They don’t exist because for each of us they are bits and pieces of every friend, infatuation and love we’ve had.

Forgive my lack of articulacy at this point. Am still feeling the demise of wits as my legs and perception feels like jello.
To be continued…
jv, debbie, cecile, alexis, vince, lee and martin…to the grand group ofdenise, gp, dondi, robbie and others who would like to refer nameless. Friday (and Saturday) was amazing - thanks to you. Alluring luster emanating from your benevolent words and gestures. You are beautiful.

Where you are seems to be as far as an eternity. Outstretched arms open hearts. And if it never ends then when do we start? I'll never leave you behind or treat you unkind. I know you understand. And with a tear in my eye give me the sweetest goodbye that I ever did receive

Pushing forward and arching back bring me closer to heart attack. Say goodbye and just fly away. When you comeback I have some things to say.
How does it feel to know you never have to be alone when you get home. There must be someplace here that only you and I could go so I can show you how I feel

- selected lines from "Sweetest goodbye" from Maroon 5
posted by maldita @ 1:01 AM  
Thursday, March 18, 2004
i can say i had a pretty good week overall. Especially today wherein i hardly read a thing for class, woke up at 7:30 for an 8am starting day and yet still managed to spurt out some shit for grade purposes. But why so good? the scorpios that are lodged in almost each day of the week. let's look at the list shall we?
Subtle Scorpio
Seductive Scorpio (formerly the deliberate bastard)
Secure Scorpio
Zealous Scorpio (ran out of s-words)
Societal Scorpio

all having this common esoteric sanctuary within their psyche that beguiles me to spend even more time with them - if just to get a glimpse of their enthralling views. no meeting of the minds here. a lot of debate, wit, sarcasm, brutal honesty and eye-openers entrenched in plain average stories. just bloody beautiful!

after about a few weeks of respite: had coffee with the seductive scorpio. watched movies with subtle scorpio and societal scorpio. zealous scorpio never disappearing long enough to allow ignorance of wordplay. secure scorpio prevailing in my REM seance.

Don't know how this all came about and no, am not dating any of them. If you place them all in a room you will not see any similarities - well maybe the great hair you want to run your hands through all day and the eyes that can beat my own gazing powers but regardless...they are just multi-faceted and intriguing. Man this sounds like such an accolade but i just wanted to express the ease i feel wrapped in the bonds that tie me to them. they never fail to amaze and make me laugh.

Now if you'll excuse me, i need to start adoring my new mobile phone....
posted by maldita @ 2:40 AM  
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
never cross me. be afraid. be very afraid. i am a scorpion, you will feel a sting where it hurts the most.
never think i won't know what you say.
never think i can forgive lost trust. friendship is a once in a lifetime chance you take and value.
trust being the core of it all.
i hardly forgive a betrayal and most of all i never forget.
karma gives you what you deserve.
posted by maldita @ 10:14 PM  
i reiterate what Lex says in his column last saturday...never talk shit about the philippines.
posted by maldita @ 10:05 PM  

do you know what i did tonight? I fixed the toilet in my bathroom.
it's been bugging since yesterday and i got tired of waiting for the plumber to fix it.
add to my list of new talents.
posted by maldita @ 7:32 AM  
Resurrect my somnolent soul. Do you have any idea how your words make my heart prance and turn in its grave? I try to ignore its calls to be nurtured and evoke my inner passion. My need for self-preservation hinders any inkling and strengthens my resolve. It could be due to my fright and protective shell but it assists the evasion of past to present wounds. I will not fall in love again though the sensation of flying transcends me to routes of innumerable possibilities. I am breathless. You consume my mind for hours and days on end. I pray for the day when you do not bring me this cynicism and the tears.

I thought you knew me. But now I reinforce my tenacity that no one will really be able to know or handle me. I give up the hope of ever being with you or anyone. Just like in the internal story within Love Actually wherein Andrew Lincoln's character, Mark is in love with his best friend's new wife played by Keira Knightley. but doesn't say a word. There is a possibility I would end up that way. Satisfied with status quo. Unconditional and content even if I can't ever be with you, talk to you, see you. I reached this point wherein I only admit this in my blog. I refuse to even speak your name to any friend or folly. In the waking world you do not exist. But I reminisce and concede my defeat in my dreamworld.
posted by maldita @ 5:40 AM  
Sunday, March 14, 2004
I wish i were a witch and could teleport for these few nights to catch the bay area gigs...
Yeah Yeah Yeah's @ Fillmore on March 16/17
Stereolab @ Fillmore on March 29/30
The Strokes @ Warfield on April 8
Belle & Sebastaian @ Warfiled on April 30
Deathcab for Cutie @ Fillmore on May 3/4

anyone want to join my wishing circle? sigh.

and to all those lucky dogs in the bay...try to catch the benefit screening of BLOODLINES on Sunday, April 18 at the Roda Theater..woohoo! this place looks amazing!

check out the site link about the movie...you can email me or the filmmakers if you are interested in helping us out re: the film :) cheers!
posted by maldita @ 6:11 AM  
Saturday, March 13, 2004
the room is empty
the lights are dim
and my heart wonders
if I'll ever see you again

my tears are hungry
for an open door
when your arms held me
I never felt that way before


I'll be waiting
I'll be watching
under a blue moon
the taste of heaven
only happens
once in a blue moon


do you remember
when the wind blew free
and we fit together
so naturally


if the wind closes a door
it will open another

-Once in a Blue Moon by Syndey Forest
from the soundtrack of "Simply Irresistible"
posted by maldita @ 3:17 AM  
Have you ever felt limbo? between good and bad, rested and tired, sad and happy? No one is moving but me and next thing you know everyone is ahead. I am supposed to have dinner out with some friends tonight before meeting another group after. So much to do. projects here and there. favors for friends. but am i doing too much without reason?


makes me mad, makes me burn the stars
makes you cruel, makes you push me outside
do you know how hard i cried
and it hurts yes it hurts and it hurts
i should look to the future
and decide what i want
i live for my lost ecstacy with you
its a great scene but i can't stop now
- it hurts by the lotus eaters
posted by maldita @ 1:55 AM  
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
such a stressful week...day...feel like my head is going to explode.
im just glad i got to talk to you today and got the sincerity seeping through my lips to form a smile.
the cosmos and its clout...satisfy my penury with an unexpected drop of saccharine.

i am so twisted and tripped out with my new buttons at the bottom of this page. still having a hard time aligning them but they ain't that messed up anyway ;)
posted by maldita @ 4:57 AM  
Monday, March 08, 2004
[erased post] i could have just written a new post to apologize to art bell since you guys commented that the hate letter was a hoax...but instead i erased the whole thing and left a message to cynics re: my home (and the filipino male - wink wink)

to those who posted comments thanks so much! apparently i was the one ignorant. i told you i hardly read forwarded mails so i didn't know that this was such an old issue! I mean, who would even hate filipinos in the first place? we're just so darn hot! hahahaha!

[old post]BUT...i don't know who this man is and i'm sure there are others out there like him. So what am i going to do? hate him back? see now that's how wars start. Its like when Claire Danes said in Vogue magazine how much she hated shooting her then film in Manila where we are infested with cockroaches and all that. I despised her for that and her ignorance. note: she shot the movie in the slum areas. who wouldn't feel that way? well, like i said she is ignorant. too bad she couldn't have visited the nicer, more beautiful places here and her darn foot would be stuck in her mouth forever. last i heard they banned her from coming back here. her loss. so back to my original concern. I don't think hating this man or claire danes or whoever will solve their narrow minds and views. like i said, isn't it more their loss to not see the beauty in all things and people? i'd more hate to be like them, racist and blind that they will never see relevance and substance. they must lead such sad lives.

To put it in a different frame of mind...if i were them, i would never get to see the philippines. i would be stuck inside my home, not wanting to go out for fear of running into one of them filipinos or whatever minority group. so explain that to any one of the expats who come visiting here and can't seem to leave? because they love it. my filipino adoration surpasses all these insults that americans or other racist dodo heads hand out. They can singe themselves with how much i burn for this country. it's like when an ex-bf kept saying how bad and pathetic we are compared to the US etc. etc. well, you're comparing an eagle to a maya bird. but does that mean the maya bird ain't beautiful, useful and significant? i always wanted to say, that is how hitler thought. he would have killed all the maya birds and because he wanted only eagles to exist. But nature had other plans...now who's extinct? who do you think is stronger?

on a lighter note...[erased post] Filipino men rock!
posted by maldita @ 8:17 PM  
thanks to neva for writing this in her blog and reminding me of an old truth that is so palpable yet overlooked whilst we complain about things not going our way...
"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - Joseph Cambell

the glove compartment isn't accurately named and everybody knows it.
so i'm proposing a swift orderly change.
cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
and all i find are souvenirs from better times
before the gleam of your taillights fading east to find yourself a better life.
i was searching for some legal document as the rain beat down on the hood
when i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget and that's how this idea was drilled into my head
cause it's too important to stay the way it's been
there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
and here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
lying awake at night (up all night)
when i'm lying awake at night.
- "title and registration" by Deathcab for Cutie
posted by maldita @ 7:04 AM  
Sunday, March 07, 2004
I can't believe im still awake at this time. Although im a bit behind in my personal MRR schedule i think i'll make the friday deadline. I feel like such a zombie now. Ready to wilt. or tilt. can i afford to go on a four-day vacation in Cebu with my good buddies next week? after all this schoolwork and stress it would be good to just work on my tan. Loll around the beach all day drinking mango shakes and gorging on the best seafood.

Two years of MBA studies...can't believe it will all be over very very soon.
posted by maldita @ 10:59 AM  
Saturday, March 06, 2004
Well...this is a surprise. I once thought these were rigged but now that im not dating anyone it gives me an unexpected answer! i just like checking with this test once in a while to see if my mood, attitude and preference has changed in the past month...
Sagitarrius
You should be dating a Sagittarius.
22 November - 21 December
Your mate is frank and open, optimistic and honest.
Though the Archer can display bouts of argumentative, impatient and critical behaviour,
he or she is extremely adventurous in bed.
What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla
posted by maldita @ 11:08 AM  
Even if there is pain now everything will be alright
Can't you see that no matter what happens
Life goes on and on
So baby please SMILE
Coz i'm always around you
And i'll make you see
How beautiful life is for you and me
Life's full of challenges
Not all the time we get what we want
But don't despair my dear
(And i know that) You'll take each trial
And you'll make it through the storm coz you're strong
My faith in you is clear

take a little time baby...
Can you hear me?


- "rainbow" by South Border
it would be so great if someone would sing or say these words to me right now. awww. hmm well since last night Subtle Scorpio guy has been circulating in my head. Im wondering if he got back already from his trip. Not that i have time to spend with him this week anyway. Hmm maybe we could watch Lost In Translation soon. Augh! shut up brain - don't even start! ...hmm wonder what's that surprise he was talking about...augh! till the next episode...
posted by maldita @ 10:51 AM  
Friday, March 05, 2004
Aaargh...the jolly green giant lives inside my brain! i wish i were done with this damn thesis thingy so i can go watch a movie at my own leisure. how can i not feel this when i see others just bumming their drudge lives away without a care in the world. I wish i could be that...lost in my dream world. And then just got email from henry fool -- who got to go to the opening night reception of the NAATA! damn. think i just squashed a pillow to death. don't worry henry fool, im not mad at you (before you misconstrue my emotion again) im just frustrated because im not there to watch the movies and meet all those filmmakers.
But i KNOW...one day i will be taking a stroll down Mission street again. aaaah yeaaaah!:)
and now back to analyzing the financial statements and distribution options...
posted by maldita @ 9:33 PM  
taking a break from the MRR hullabaloo...i took an inkblot test to determine what is in my subsconcious. And the results said:

We know you're most like Rachel on Friends!
and your subconscious mind is driven most by Peace
You have a deeply-rooted desire to make peace in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with loved ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to be able to influence the world in a positive way. You have a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it, and you inspire others to feel the same way. Your innate drive toward peace guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others. Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are.
posted by maldita @ 9:07 PM  
checked out to get my goth name from this site and turns out my goth name is appropriately BEAUTIFUL SCARS.brilliant.
posted by maldita @ 7:12 AM  
Thursday, March 04, 2004
I have watched the rough edit of this documentary and give it two thumbs up!
support independent film and filmmakers!

BLOODLINES

A documentary film (2004) about healthcare professionals from Northern California who travelled to Iloilo last year to help the multitude of people that need medical attention. I once asked one of these volunteers why he goes and he said: because i feel like i've been blessed in my life and its time i gave back to the world and those who need it. Beautiful souls.
posted by maldita @ 7:41 AM  
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
Amazing what random searches bring to your attention...
Now i can't stop thinking of this girl's entry on her valentine's day weekend. that a guy told her they were like the orange smoothie...good. So sweet. To be in love. So distant from what i will ever hear or have been hearing. So sad. for me. one simple smile from you could set me free. Take a look at the girl inside.

mo(u)rning theft
posted by maldita @ 7:47 AM  
Monday, March 01, 2004
and the 11 oscars go to...
although...
i would've liked Ken Watanabe to win as best supporting actor, Patricia Clarkson to win as best supporting actress (simply because i adore her), City of God for best cinematography. But that's just what i think. I can change my mind once i've actually watched Lost in Translation, Mystic River, Monster, Les Triplettes de Belleville, Ferry Tales and A Mighty Wind. Am still waiting to watch Big Fish. sigh.

i'm looking at the pics of the attendees now...i have never seen so many shiny-foundation-laden-wrinkles in so long! no one seemed to have healthy skin and even the usually-luminescent nicole kidman and naomi watts lacked around 10 pounds each. The only one who looked well-rested and more gorgeous than usual was Angelina Jolie. And i don't even like her! but she was radiant. could it be due to her trysts with Olivier Martinez? tsismis na naman yaaaan...
posted by maldita @ 6:04 AM  
 
 

she had eyes like two turntables mix(h)er in between my dreams and reality blend in ancient themes the bas(e)is of isis cross-faded to ankh the beat drops like a cliff over looking my heart - Saul Williams


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