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| Friday, February 10, 2006 |
| open heart surgery. |
Story 1: About two or three years ago, I had dinner with an ex-boyfriend and some of his friends. I had just recently broken up with someone and since my old ex is a great friend, he takes me out to cheer me up. There was this new guy who popped by and hung out with us but we didn't really talk much. Just a bit. A week later quiet guy calls me up, says he got my number from my ex and says: are you free this wednesday? you want to go out for dinner? I said sure. And think we dated (notice the use of this term) for about three months before it all just went kaput. I remember the details - AND that phone call as one of many - this clearly. Got a phone call. Got asked out. He picked me up. He paid. He took care of me (without smothering) the whole night. He brought me home. Now, for me that constitutes a date. But quiet boy had always told me - i don't date.
I thought he was a fluke. Just someone with a different kind of mentality. But turns out he's one of many. All I've encountered recently are guys who give the same statement. They replace the term with hang out or hook up or meet up. In some instances it's true due to possibly my having previous plans with friends or he has plans with some other girl. I suppose it's because using the word "date" is like a lock down. But even when i start saying I'm going out with this guy, i actually mean it. No dinners or a movie just by your twosome. No gallant paying of the bill. Then what i say is true. To some of these guys, they just don't make whatever they say coincide with what's actually happening in reality. Or maybe it's just too much to expect a proper date anymore. Everyone's just trying to protect themselves.
Story 2: Friend starts dating guy. Guy was a friend of someone I used to date back in high school. We were just acquaintances but we give the general greetings when we see each other. During the few weeks they've been going out she keeps asking me what i think about him and I tell her I've always thought he was a great catch so go for it. One day he decides to join her and her friends for lunch. This includes me. He's so quiet and cannot possibly get into a lunch conversation with about ten gossiping girls. I notice this so I make small talk since I'm the only one he already knows. Just so he's not staring into the ceiling and pass out. Fast forward to two weeks later and she says," Don't get mad k. But he said something like "what happened to her? she used to be more put together and she's also fat now."...exact words. According to my friend anyway. I've been harboring this for over a year now. She dumped him for her own reasons and I was secretly happy he had to suffer a bit even without my help. So a few days ago we saw each other out and seeing as he was drunk and i was fairly the same, I said "so did you really call me fat?" And he said, "no! i said you used to be hot." Fuck. Thanks. At least you're honest.
I think in the past month I've had to bump into or get introduced to people who had know me or of me since high school...or college or even while I was working on my first job. And they've said the same damn thing - I used to have a crush on you. Or I used to think you were hot. Both are not exactly flattering statements. But i doubt they even realize that. I usually laugh it off and walk away, if only to attempt not thinking about it. But once said, it just creates a small-surfaced but deep enough prick of a wound. Kind of like when that stilletto jabbed into my toe last week.
I don't think I can take much more of these emotional battering rams. I'm now going to do my best to just stay away from any potential inflictions on my now-apparently-un-hot-body or slaps on my now-apparently-un-crushable-face. I never used to understand why this girl i know had decided to hide from the public eye for years because she had gained weight. Now I can totally see and agree. I know what my friends are going to say - don't mind them. To which I can reply, how can you not mind something that's thrown in your face by some stranger or otherwise and you're subsequently forced to choke it down on a weekly basis?
Open Heart Surgery by Brian Jonestown Massacre
Originally thought to be sung by The Bravery but research shows it's really by BJM from their album: Bravery, Repetition and Noise. I stand corrected. |
posted by maldita @ 9:25 PM
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