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| Friday, February 24, 2006 |
| begin. |
I feel like i haven't written anything concrete in a while. Anything that reveals or repairs my dark and damaged soul. There is a huge chunk of me that is afraid – of who might read it. Of being summed up as a total of my insignificance. But there’s that small voice that needs release. Or I shall remain silently mad and no one needs to know any better.
I don’t have any altruistic ambitions in life – I don’t save lives like doctors or firemen. I am an artist who finds creation to be a painful process. Truthfully. Because whenever I paint or draw, I capture a haunting ghost and pull it out while fighting resistance.
The other day I dreamt I was in an old white house. And there was a soothsayer of sorts. When everyone had left the happy bubbly place, he was left there just relaxed and sitting on a nice little blanket. I looked at him and smiled. And then he said,”You are a good person. You take the time to help strangers when they ask. And you smile at people to make them feel good and comfortable in this busy place.”
I thought about it for a while and realized that maybe he was right. With all that I have been through, lost and lonely. Weary and wandering. I make certain that no one around me feels that way. It would explain an unyielding need to help out that girl sitting in a corner, inebriated out of her wits, to get a glass of water and find her way home. Or giving a piece of candy to every beggar knocking on my car door. But is that enough? Working within the comfortable confines of my means. Or should I take a bigger risk?
Looking into the dark side of the moon, a block starts to form within my throat. Which is why I refrain from going there. But ignorance does not erase it from existing. It just festers within like an extinguished passion, only to need one little spark to burst again.
Will our life not be a tunnel between two vague clarities? Or will it not be a clarity between two dark triangles? – Pablo Neruda
I don’t know how to begin on a new road. I know I’d like to be there. A state of my life where I am satisfied that I am giving back to the world. And yet I can’t even bring myself to join the Medical Mission each year. How do I expect to make it a resounding foundation of my life and not even have the gall to contribute a week of my life to that emotional rampage? I hear stories and I even watched im’s documentary which I found heart-wrenching to say the least.
I need to take baby steps. I’m not as steadfast as I’d wish to be. Maybe because I have yet to take care of myself before I can begin to do the same for other people. And in my standards, I’m not doing a good job of that yet. It’s more about internal resolve than about moving to a new location. Because your self-state, mature or otherwise, will follow you to the next town anyway.
I'm walking down broadway
Each foot step is a new love letter
I'm trying to make eye contact
With each and every stranger that I pass
Thinking about the city
It's living proof people need to be together
I'm thinking about how I just want to open up
And give and give and give
And it's ok for you to care
Cause I can feel you in the air
And while you wonder "how's this gonna end?"
I only want it to begin
Begin by Ben Lee |
posted by maldita @ 3:39 AM
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