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| Friday, March 31, 2006 |
| roll to me. |
you know why managers, vice-presidents and managing directors get paid high? because they have to make decisions. big ones. that could affect the company on so many levels. But it isn't just a black and white kind of choice to make. it's anticipation of its effects and whether or not the long run result is what you desire. but again, nothing is guaranteed. nothing is certain. we can just assume. analyze. hypothesize till our head explodes from non-action. Or drown in the gutter with all the other unpaid bills.
i sometimes wonder why i'm working so hard. when all i really want to do is...oh nevermind.
sigh. i'm just ranting. venting. brain and body can't function no more.
Look around your world pretty baby
Is it everything you hoped it’d be
Look into your heart pretty baby,
Is it aching with some nameless need.
Is there something wrong and
you can’t put your finger on it
Right then, roll to me
roll to me by del amitri |
posted by maldita @ 10:17 AM
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| Wednesday, March 29, 2006 |
| i'll back you up. |
I have a new nickname…honeydude. Funny isn’t it? At first I wasn’t so comfortable hearing it. I felt like a gay man in a networking site or something. And then it turns out that it isn’t as original as we thought it was. Some guy on myspace uses that a nickname. But in any case, it seems appropriate. How many times have I been referred to as one of the boys? And I only reserve my sweet side to those who I care about, all others get the bitch persona. So it is a mix of contradictory denotation. Or opposites. But the implication I like to think about more is that he considers me as both a partner and as a friend. Thus reveals the honey side and the “duuuuuuude”. I think that’s special and worth revering. The fact that you can keep each other warm within the intense chill of the airconditioner’s humming (and we all know that an airconditioner is a necessity these past few days) and also enjoy the midsummer sun laughing while poking fun at each other and just want to be ridiculous. I like the uniqueness of the name. But I will always prefer “dreamgirl” in reference to the Dave Matthews’ song.
Life is serious. We get shaken up by reality so hard that we often forget to laugh. Or to release. The past year has been quite strenuous to say the least. Yes, I did not have a steady job to call my own but that’s not the only sources of tension in one’s life. I was confused. Watching everything fall in to place for other people but myself. Insecurity building up as more and more rejections came my way. Nothing fit. Nothing was meant for me. So I just sat there, drowning my tears in alcohol while everyone else was laughing around me. I tried not to talk about it. I let it fester inside until my ulcer redeveloped itself like the debilitating disease that it is. Forgot to eat. Forgot to smile. I just downed my next drink over the music that would capture my mood.
But I say this all in the past tense. It was the year 2005 where I got thrown into the flames and came out fleshless. Vulnerable and sensitive. Painful. (Yes, I watched V for Vendetta also) But now there is a different challenge. To recreate the outlay that protects. That which shields me from my own devices. And to start from scratch (ow) is an equally different task. Coupled with more challenges that come by each day, it’s no wonder a lot of people break down each day. For different reasons. For different situations, most of which are beyond our control.
I feel like a baby just learning to stand up. Trying to get the signs within the words. Trying to sense the emotion behind closed doors. Trying to enjoy the experience of understanding and discovering this pristine thing.
I remember thinking I’ll go on forever
only knowing I’ll see you again
But I know
The touch of you is so hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other
And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
Would you like to dance around the world with me
I’ll be falling all about my own thing
And I know you're the heaviest weight
When your not here
that’s hung around my head
And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I’ll back you up.
I remember thinking
Sometimes we walk
Sometimes we run away
But I know
No matter how fast we are running
Somehow we keep up with each other.
i'll back you up by dave matthews band |
| posted by maldita @ 8:54 AM
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| Wednesday, March 22, 2006 |
| burn. |
i think my back is broiled. just the upper part of my shoulders. i know i put tanning oil there, as with the rest of my body that has now turned a nice shade of brown. but for some reason, these parts around my shoulder blades are killing me. itchy as hell. and of course without thinking, i scratch and then the pain gets worse. stupid. I've never really suffered from a bad sunburn before so i'm pretty new at all this. gaaad. pictures to follow tomorrow. if aimee can figure out a way to give us the 200+ pictures we took!
but then again, it's a tiny price to pay for three blissful days of sand & sea. i'd do it again in a second. if i could :)
i wanna go back! i want a new bikini and several kinds of cover-ups like the chiffon ones i see at the mall. aaaaugh!
Be anyone you want to be
Bring to life your fantasies
But I want something in return
I want you to burn, burn for me baby...
burn by tina arena |
| posted by maldita @ 7:06 AM
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| Sunday, March 19, 2006 |
| no letting go. |
Horoscope Overview: The rewards start pouring in, especially when you keep the focus on clear lines of communication. Specifically, you'll reap multiple satisfactions when it comes to romance when you learn how to express yourself.
Not one of my strengths...i'm pretty abrupt and blunt when it comes to expressing myself. that's why for the past several years it has been my resolution to choose my words carefully and refrain from speaking my mind without thinking or considering others' feelings first. Finding that balance is difficult indeed, whereas my character is one of extremes. I know many who i've hurt with brutal honesty, even if they asked for it. Other times I've shut down all communication and the result is a stoic ball of cold steel. Still not good. It's a daily process and development. I can only hope for the patience of others. But i think i'm learning, even if slowly.
This pertains to both friends and the love of my life. I'm luckier that they care for me back enough to give me the patience.
Speaking of which, i'm really excited to be going to the beach tomorrow with my baby and friends. Been texting with everyone the whole day...it's funny the difference of preparations of men and women. the women have tried on every potential swimsuit to bring, scrutinized every little scrape of fat on our thighs and are trying to fit whatever we can into one bag. The men on the other hand washed their cars, allocated extra space in their bags in case we women need them, and are more conscious about the travel time, gas etc. I think the next three days will be good ones :)
Last friday I decided to head southside for a change of scenery among other reasons. And i figured that there is this certain gray area between the whole party-hardy bar scene and the laid-back-stay home one. Equipped with enough alcohol, cameras for the trigger happy, and Overtone playing all those amazing songs...felt so...steady.
click the pic for more of last friday night.
gad. you can already see my increasing tan! it'll get worse starting tomorrow.
no letting go by wayne wonder |
| posted by maldita @ 3:32 AM
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| heart aflutter. |
I keep seeing the banner ad on yahoo when i check my mail. I keep wishing for my own copies of Spirited Away and Howl's Moving Castle. I consider them my favorite animated movies of all time. Sigh. Hayao Miyazaki is a genius and i do not use that term lightly. One day I will collect the whole Studio Ghibli collection!
heart aflutter by Joe Hisaishi |
| posted by maldita @ 3:25 AM
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| Monday, March 13, 2006 |
| poetry and airplanes. |
this is a post of gratitude. Nothing revelationary. Just to say thanks for the simple things.
I was having coffee the other afternoon and took a seat next to these two guys. Being so near them I could overhear their conversation. One guy was an asian foreigner. Could barely speak straight english but seemed to understand the other filipino as he tried to put asian guy at ease. They were studying. Basically the filipino guy was trying to help the other...with so much patience and a bright demeanor. It was a warm thought. To know that people go out of their way to help another without requiring anything in return. it reminded me of how good intentions is its best reward.
Yesterday I was not having one of my best days but it turned over...even just for a few hours. I texted Norby if they were free during the afternoon...and they immediately made plans to drive down from the South to meet me in Market Market. We spent the usual relaxing mall afternoon. Got some of my errands done. Browsed through the music store, gadgets store, bought cd's, enjoyed dippin' dots (as is our practice whenever we're in that mall) and of course, ended up eating in the outdoor foodcourt. The usual banter and kwentos just left me gagging in my own laughter. We then checked out Beers Paradise for a bit of happy hour which was just...awesome! I met the owner and he gave me a taste of the St. Louis Cherry beer since I couldn't make up my mind. There were like close to a 100 beers in their menu! and not a single food item. But even the little bowl of bar nuts was spicy-yummy. I ended up with the Coke Beer which was also really really good. Since we were four people, who ordered different kinds - we got tastes of all our orders. Think i like Frank's order called the Kwak. And you even get to bring the bottles home. As i was lounging on the cushy sofa, I felt so at ease. No thoughts in my head. Nothing. It reminded me of why I have a lot of guy friends. Not in any direct negative contrast to my female friends but when i'm with the guys, they can make you forget. You vent once and then that's it. As if you can just let it go. Life is too short anyway. I also feel grateful for text messages from topsy and marc who sent me taunting, hilarious reassurance. Nothing makes you feel better like a good laugh.
After several years of being with my most protective and trustworthy friends, I feel so safe as long as I'm with them. I also thought that it's because of them that i've rediscovered my lambing side. I've never really been expressive when it came to friends or other people. I'm more closed and guarded. But the overtone boys, along with chris and debbie have helped me find the affection i've long closed off to the world. They've helped me grow.
Couldn't get a decent sleep so i've started writing my latest book review on the daredevil books i've been consuming lately. Maybe i can get it published by next month. So many suggestions from Jolly and JB that i think i won't run out of reading material for the next few months. hehe. so cool. i love being a geek heehee.
my new favorite song...
poetry and airplanes by teitur |
| posted by maldita @ 2:14 PM
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| Sunday, March 12, 2006 |
| sooner or later. |
it can ruin a whole day. when you find out that people have purposely tried to bring you down. they want to destroy your good name. your reputation. your happy state. or relationship. Although faith and trust is something that is meant to be stable and sturdy...it still bothers me as to why.
Could it be that they don't have enough happening in their lives? jealousy? or they want to use you to prop themselves up? misery loves company. But why do you need to be that selfish? why not work on your own happiness, without having to destroy other's? it IS possible. If only they would realize that.
I can't even figure out if i'm mad or sad. Just full of tears as to how hateful some so-called human beings can be. I don't know if you realize how hard i've worked or how many things i've had to endure to find self-reliance. to find great friends. to find love and laughter. But you still want to grab that gun and point it straight to my face. and hit me with every ammunition your head can muster. i've stood my ground. I refuse to bow down to your level. and still you take your shots.
You know when my ex-bf left me for someone new, i was angry and bitter. who wouldn't be? i'm human. but i took it back. when everyone started taking pot-shots at him and his new gf. I defended them. I said that there are only two people in that relationship. And it isn't anyone else's place to say they shouldn't be together simply because society's norms frown on it. Especially since those who were talking did not even know either of them personally. If they get along then let them be. I did. I don't even know if he knows i did that out of the kindness of my heart but i still wanted to keep the peace. To apologize for whatever my sadness had caused initially. That time i realized that to forgive someone is the best way to let go.
I cried so hard when i heard the lies being told about me. In the past i've met them head on. I stand in front of them and their cowardice and demand that they tell me to my face. All those lies. But this time i'm not going to. I don't want to waste my time on them. Although even after a few days have passed, i still cry as hard. still don't know if out of anger or sadness.
But last sunday was better. I had reassuring messages from the girls - ria, pia and anna. from the guys - jv and sonny. Who know me very well and love me sincerely. Without even a miniscule amount of doubt that those demons are making everything up as they go. I even told my parents what i was going through out of anger i needed to vent out. But i also wanted to cry. Especially when my dad hugged me and told me i've been through enough in my life. I don't need this.
Someone once called me a tough cookie. Someone who took life by the horns and whenever i fell down i got back up again. Reinforcing some force field of lessons and harsh bruises to protect me from the next blow. But it's my loved ones who keep my center nice and mushy. The sweet core i'll always have with me.
Life can be full of conflicting characters. The antagonists and protagonists. The anti-thesis needs to exist for the premise to reflect its true value. For all that these evil beings have tried to do to break me...they can't. Because of my family who believe in me. My friends who rally beside me. My man who cares for me sincerely. And my sheer karmic belief that everyone gets what they deserve in the end.
Somethings you have to learn them all on your own
You can't rely on anybody else
Or the point of view of a source unknown
If it feels good and sounds nice
Then it's your choice don't doubt yourself
Don't even think twice
Pull the hair back from your eyes
Let the people see your pretty face
You know they like it when you smile (Find a reason to smile)
Try not to focus on yourself
Share that love with someone else
Don't let the bitters bring you down (Down)
Don't let anything bring you down
sooner or later by michael tolcher |
| posted by maldita @ 8:34 PM
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| Wednesday, March 08, 2006 |
| prototype. |
i sit here in total bewilderment. Since last night I have been trying to make the simplest of things - a playlist for my baby that would encompass the words I am probably too guarded to say. and it seems insane, that i cannot fit enough songs or not a single group can bottle everything -all the happiness - into one entitled list.
I cannot even remember how this goes, how this works. It's been a long enough time of finding happiness within myself. Self-reliance or a miniscule reliance on friends in order to become content with everyday life. I am a planner and for the past 2 years I have grudgingly been floating through without any destination. Taking it a day at a time. I cannot say it has been easy. But I have been managing.
With all of this in perspective, it would normally follow that i found myself asking debbie - in a somewhat disheartened mood - that I don't feel like I'm in a relationship. I don't feel like there has been anything different. Could it be because I don't remember? Could it be that i'm doubting what we have? And she smiled. She said that it's only because I am content. Not in a scary way which is usually a fleeting one. But in a steady way. And that has a better chance of being the real thing. I finally found someone who feels for me, the real me. Not the wildchild of the night. Not the unrelenting bitch of taunting minds. But the good girl that only close friends and family have grown to love. He doesn't ask me to change anything...I have just been given complete acceptance and understanding.
Yesterday I found myself in the south of the border. I have a thing for suprises - received or given. It is a delightful thing to impart unexpected effort. So i showed up at the Starbucks at the corner...to spend time with my baby. Nothing else planned but to be beside him while he studies and with several books for myself. In one of the daredevil graphic novels I brought with me...I came across parts that struck me enough to write down:
"I met someone I could feel like a speaker against my chest. Someone that made me realize that the answers aren't everything. I should enjoy the questions. Somehow that makes adulthood fun."
The skeptical section of my mind tries to find every excuse or trauma that could possibly make me run away in fear. Run away in a panicked, cold sweat. And this time I've met them all head on. With no desire to do anything more except sit here, holding a warm and sensitive hand.
"And then i realized that every time you meet someone, it's your chance to somehow give them the tool or inspiration to improve themselves...whether it's by gift of knowledge, kindness or example."
It's ironic that the person who makes me want to give the most effort, is also the one who makes it feel like i don't need to make any effort whatsoever. it just works. Naturally. As if the universe or fate has made it's decision and no one or thing from past hurts, present skeptics or future doubts can take this away.
I go back to my playlist. It has several new songs and every possible song that gave me giddy goosebumps with men in my past years. Except now I don't feel it for them. The words don't address them. It is as if I had started with a clean slate and I'm listening to them for the first time. And now they call out to only one.
I hope that you're the one
If not, you are the prototype
We'll tiptoe to the sun
And do thangs I know you like
If we happen to part
Lord knows I don't want that
But hey, we can't be mad at God
We met today for a reason
I think I'm on the right track now
prototype by outkast |
| posted by maldita @ 7:21 PM
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| Sunday, March 05, 2006 |
| follow through. |
this song can probably say everything for me. about how happy I am. I have my very own geek boy. my huggy bear.
no one can foretell the future, predict the potential circumstance. But we've decided to leap into the fray...and take that chance.
Oh, this is the start of something good,
Don't you agree?
I haven't felt like this in so many moons,
You know what I mean?
And we can build through this destruction,
As we are standing on our feet.
These reeling emotions they just keep me alive,
They keep me in tune.
Oh, look what I'm holding here in my fire,
This is for you.
Am I too obvious to preach it?
You're so hypnotic on my heart.
So, since you want to be with me,
You'll have to follow through,
With every word you say.
And I, all I really want is you
For you to stick around.
I'll see you everyday,
But you have to follow through.
The words you say to me are unlike anything that's ever been said.
Ahh, and what you do to me is unlike anything that ever been.
Am I to obvious to preach it? You're so hypnotic on my heart,
Oh, this is the start of something good.
Don't you agree?
follow through by gavin de graw |
| posted by maldita @ 7:14 AM
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| Thursday, March 02, 2006 |
| heaven help. |
hey woman! why are you sleeping now? wake up.
what? oh, i had one of those dreams where you think you're already awake and functioning in your daily days. Wait a minute, what's going on? i'm lost. where am i? i don't think i'm familiar with this place. I don't remember how i got here or who you are.
well, you're here now.
that doesn't help. i don't know what can help. I'm scared. The only thing I can think of is...if i run away fast enough, will it stop me from being lost?
I need to find out which road in the fork is the mistake so i can ask you to help save me from it.
Heaven help the heart
That lets me inside
Heaven help the one
Who comes in my life
Heaven help the fool
That walks though my door
heaven help by lenny kravitz |
| posted by maldita @ 2:39 AM
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| Wednesday, March 01, 2006 |
| almost happy. |
i got hold of so many new songs lately (you're the best norby!!) and i'm reveling in them now. It really is amazing how some words can be composed into a perfect telling of your mind's works. I was just thinking about how rationality can bring you back to reality with just one word, one phrase, one question. And i am one with a lot of questions. A lot of unsure thoughts and feelings that beg to be justified or even just acknowledged. But i don't really think it's a bad thing. It helps to keep your feet on the ground, especially in times of getting caught up in moments of fleeting clouds. I'm glad i've had enough experience to know when to run and when to stay. It has helped me survive those unavoidable bruises one has to endure to become stronger. And i've got friends who are even more cautious and worry about me when even my own capacity is not enough.
If I could look beyond your face
And photograph your hidden place
Would I find you smiling in the picture
Far too many ways to go
We learn so much but never know
Where to look
Or when we should stop looking
I can love the whole of you.
The poetry I stole from you
And hide inside my stomach
It's easy to get lost in you
And fall asleep inside of you
I want to return to you
A reason to be here
No I don't know what you want
And you don't know
So what's the point of asking
You're almost happy
Almost content
But your head hurts
Almost Happy by K's Choice |
| posted by maldita @ 8:32 PM
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