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| Wednesday, March 08, 2006 |
| prototype. |
i sit here in total bewilderment. Since last night I have been trying to make the simplest of things - a playlist for my baby that would encompass the words I am probably too guarded to say. and it seems insane, that i cannot fit enough songs or not a single group can bottle everything -all the happiness - into one entitled list.
I cannot even remember how this goes, how this works. It's been a long enough time of finding happiness within myself. Self-reliance or a miniscule reliance on friends in order to become content with everyday life. I am a planner and for the past 2 years I have grudgingly been floating through without any destination. Taking it a day at a time. I cannot say it has been easy. But I have been managing.
With all of this in perspective, it would normally follow that i found myself asking debbie - in a somewhat disheartened mood - that I don't feel like I'm in a relationship. I don't feel like there has been anything different. Could it be because I don't remember? Could it be that i'm doubting what we have? And she smiled. She said that it's only because I am content. Not in a scary way which is usually a fleeting one. But in a steady way. And that has a better chance of being the real thing. I finally found someone who feels for me, the real me. Not the wildchild of the night. Not the unrelenting bitch of taunting minds. But the good girl that only close friends and family have grown to love. He doesn't ask me to change anything...I have just been given complete acceptance and understanding.
Yesterday I found myself in the south of the border. I have a thing for suprises - received or given. It is a delightful thing to impart unexpected effort. So i showed up at the Starbucks at the corner...to spend time with my baby. Nothing else planned but to be beside him while he studies and with several books for myself. In one of the daredevil graphic novels I brought with me...I came across parts that struck me enough to write down:
"I met someone I could feel like a speaker against my chest. Someone that made me realize that the answers aren't everything. I should enjoy the questions. Somehow that makes adulthood fun."
The skeptical section of my mind tries to find every excuse or trauma that could possibly make me run away in fear. Run away in a panicked, cold sweat. And this time I've met them all head on. With no desire to do anything more except sit here, holding a warm and sensitive hand.
"And then i realized that every time you meet someone, it's your chance to somehow give them the tool or inspiration to improve themselves...whether it's by gift of knowledge, kindness or example."
It's ironic that the person who makes me want to give the most effort, is also the one who makes it feel like i don't need to make any effort whatsoever. it just works. Naturally. As if the universe or fate has made it's decision and no one or thing from past hurts, present skeptics or future doubts can take this away.
I go back to my playlist. It has several new songs and every possible song that gave me giddy goosebumps with men in my past years. Except now I don't feel it for them. The words don't address them. It is as if I had started with a clean slate and I'm listening to them for the first time. And now they call out to only one.
I hope that you're the one
If not, you are the prototype
We'll tiptoe to the sun
And do thangs I know you like
If we happen to part
Lord knows I don't want that
But hey, we can't be mad at God
We met today for a reason
I think I'm on the right track now
prototype by outkast |
posted by maldita @ 7:21 PM
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