| Friday, January 30, 2004 |
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had to change my comment board bec. blogout has closed shop. sigh. now i lost all of your old comments. wish i had saved them all on some file in the sky. anyway, i hope this new one i got will work better!
So classes start on monday...feel bummed that some of the classes i originally signed up for got cancelled. well there's always a reason for everything. got to watch Last Samurai last Tuesday with Victor & the "royal couple"...and I will echo everyone else's sentiments - Ken Watanabe rocks!!!
I also caught 16 candles the other evening while having dinner. Luckily reached the ending...i will never get over the romance. once can only hope that our lives emulate movie scenes (like unexpectedly finding your dream standing in front of you, waiting for you...) and i will never tire of that hope. Faith is when you believe in what is not actually possible. Did i say that right? oh well.
Last night had dinner with the intel girls and one boy (lou) :) we ate in Recipes (as usual) and got to reminisce about our two years spent in the beeyootiful cubicle walls...all that we went through...and hilarious moments...and we all found out that Kat is now engaged. Her story is one of sweetness and hope. Maintained a long-distance relationship for two years then upon acceptance in fashion school in toronto, got to be with her boyfriend for the following four years. and now they are getting married. awwww sigh. destiny plays its hand...and then they took the helm. congratulations! :D
If You Were Here by Thompson Twins
if you were here i could deceive you
and if you were here you would believe
but would you suspect my emotion wandering, yeah
do not want a part of this anymore
The rain water drips through a crack in the ceiling
and i'll have to spend my time on repair
But just like the rain i'll be always falling, yeah
only to rise and fall again |
posted by maldita @ 1:34 AM
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| Thursday, January 29, 2004 |
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i think these tests are rigged...
You should be dating an Aquarius.
20 January - 18 February
Your mate is communicative, thoughtful and caring.
Though he/she can be tactless and rude and sometimes self-interested,
he/she enjoys theintellectual experience of sex.
What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla |
| posted by maldita @ 11:21 PM
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| Monday, January 26, 2004 |
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| Got on myspace...nice to see a list of only three friends...compared to 400+ in friendster. the quantity is getting really overbearing. |
| posted by maldita @ 11:22 AM
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"they say that when you meet the love of your life, time stands still. that's true."
- quote from the movie BIGFISH |
| posted by maldita @ 8:46 AM
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| Saturday, January 24, 2004 |
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could i be too moody and self-deprecating to become a corporate whore?
will i be happier as a starving artist focusing on personal manifestos? |
| posted by maldita @ 11:15 PM
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listen to Damien Rice. I don't care how...just do it.
From I Remember
by Damien Rice
I remember it well
The first time that I saw your head around the door
'Cause mine stopped working
I remember it well there was wet in your hair
I was stood in the stairs and time stopped moving
I want you here tonight, I want you here
'Cause I can't believe what I found
I want you here tonight, I want you here
Nothing is taking me down, down, down...
I remember it well I was stood in your line
And your mouth, your mouth, your mouth...
Come all ye reborn, blow off my horn
I'm driving real hard, this is love, this is porn
God will forgive me but I, I whip myself with scorn, scorn
I wanna hear what you have to say about me
Hear if you're gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
I remember December
And I wanna hear what you have to say about me
Hear if you're gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
What the hell do you want? |
| posted by maldita @ 10:01 PM
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can someone please tell local singer Nina that we all have access to MTV and thus are familiar with pop songs and videos? with her latest song it is as if she finds local audiences so ignorant as not to notice the similar rift to mya's song "take me there" popularized by the rugrats movie...And her bobbing around in a pink top and jeans with two other backup dancers on either side, think "heartbreaker" video - honey, mariah has already had her nervous breakdown and ressurected from the dead - that is how old the look is. Besides hasn't regine already tried emulating mariah only to have failed miserably? Find your own voice, songwriter and video director with some imagination and respect for unique work.
Colonial mentality beguiles stupidity. The filipino has great taste and creativity - why stoop so low as to copy momentary american attractions? with no heart, there is no sustainability - for any culture.
read: Apples and Mangoes |
| posted by maldita @ 1:54 AM
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Is the universe giving me a sign? Or am I just being too uselessly poignant?
I had to re-read "For the lonely, for those in love" …
"Love is a union of people oft separated. On occasion, those two hands have to let go. There is nothing more painful than the separation of people who have found each other. It is hard enough to find anyone, to start with. In a world of seven billion humans connected by a maximum of six degrees, singling out just one person to possess, and who can possess us, is quite a challenge, indeed. So when that elusive accident occurs at last, it is only natural that we hold it to our chest, clasp it tightly with two miserly hands, and hope that love remains within the radius of an extended arm.
But life is a turbulent river, too. On many occasions, it is when we find an ideal match that fate strikes with the cruelest irony of separation. For school, for work, for family, for whatever reason-numerous couples have had to deal with heretofore indulgent proximity suddenly turning on its heels. The circumstances, though fair and practical, always feel unfair and impractical. There is the cost of maintaining a long-distance relationship, the unsettling suspiciousness borne of ignorance, and the devastating absence of the one person in this whole wide world who can make you smile without trying
The fortunate few who have found love know that this is worth fighting for. The continents are but shallow walls that can be scaled through perseverance, and months are slow steps which lead to the eventual reunion. The world is a smaller place for those in love. All problems will be solved, all doubts shall be assuaged, and all the questions this mad world of infinite permutation can be satisfied by a single, simple answer.
Love. "
The fire that is usually associated with the myth of “love at first sight” is not really love but an attraction to someone. This could either be physical, mental or emotional. But it is a fire. It can be built up to rage uncontrolled by those who succumb to its wills. But time and experience teaches us that as fast as it builds up, the faster the burnout. With intense passion follows the ashes and smoke of recrimination. Which is why some have developed the skill of banking a fire so that it lasts longer. Patience and respect for fate’s judgment is what maintains a low flame that will last through the years. Only then does attraction develop into that elusive ardor.
From How to Make an American Quilt:
Glady: So you think it’s easier to start again with something new?
Finn: Yeah I guess so
Glady: How nice to be so unattached to something.
Finn: The right choices will enhance your quilt. The wrong choices will dull the colors, hide their original beauty. There are no rules you can follow. You have to go by instinct and you have to be brave. |
| posted by maldita @ 12:45 AM
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I haven’t opened my laptop since I finished the 2nd rev of my industry analysis. But since I am stuck in this room of mine due to the flu, boredom and anxiety beckons me to it. JV says this is like the third weekend that I’ve been sick. Well yeah I usually stay home now but the weeknights keep me up and about. Being immobilized by a bad cough, headaches galore and joints as sore as can be, can lead to very disturbing thoughts and insecurities.
Today as I woke up filled with disappointment at the lack of a message from someone, I wondered if I would have anyone ever see me in this state. True, family will always love you no matter how shitty you looked but what about your life-long partner? Are you confident in the thought that they won’t flinch at the sick you? Not that I look like some leprosy-stricken person, but there is that lack of poise and composure when you’re coughing and wheezing at 90 miles a minute. I think that only when your significant other can stand that sight of you – sick, dependent, weak and practically useless can you test whether they will love you unconditionally. In sickness and in health…it’s easy to like and care for someone at tolerable limits.
Then I imagined what it would be like for me to live in colder climates like San Francisco or the UK. Geez! I can freeze almost instantly in those places. I always get sick when I travel – maybe because I wasn’t that prepared. My last trip to Hongkong was the first time I didn’t get sick. Maybe because my parents let me smoke (haha) and I didn’t suffer withdrawal. So now I have to think about that. When I migrate to another country, I’ll have to be alone when I’m sick. No one to take care of me or anything. Well, this weekend I haven’t seen anyone in my family either. All i’ve had to face is periodic text messages from friends and my personal pharmacy – a medicine box for everything imaginable. That’s separate from my first aid kit. So do I really need someone to embrace me when I feel this low? I don’t need it but it’s good to have that feeling - someone who will be there not to pamper you but to alleviate the insecurities brought about by weakness and uselessness.
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| posted by maldita @ 12:34 AM
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| Friday, January 23, 2004 |
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i hate being sick.  my throat and head is killling me. my body has the shivers. i can barely function. the only nice thing about getting sick is you have intensely sweet, adorable people asking to either visit you or bring you a carepack - something like hot soup or juices. but then the last thing you want is them seeing you in this state of yuckiness. but i think it's still SO sweet. thanks guys. I'll hug you when i'm well. 
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| posted by maldita @ 10:41 AM
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didn't plan to go out last night, had spent the day with Alan taking him around Rockwell. He loved it, said it reminded him of the US - only cheaper - and it was so much more relaxing to walk around than Greenbelt. Hell yeah! After doing groceries, i fell into a deep sleep. But debbie and chris called so we went out. First stop ponticello where we could converse in a nice quiet table and begin inebriation. Then capones, as usual. Was with debbie, cris and waxie. Talked to Mark J. about our art, new art mediums, as well as our frustration of not having Sound gigs to watch anymore. Finally heard Rann's band play - with their lead singer able to belt it out with torch, soul and blues like Ani Difranco. Saw the usual crowd and owners but also bumped into Quark and Lia who were there for the first time and Dino Ignacio in a suit - he says he was wearing it simply because he could. Point taken. Later on we were caught up in his description of the Pixar studio. Spent the rest of the evening exchanging ideas with Quark and Lia for the documentary, opening a little joint venture in Makati, and Keka shooting stories.
Today i woke up without a voice. Thank heavens for text messaging, yahoo messenger and my bed. I smoke too much. Talk too much. Drink too much. Think too much. Feel too much. Chris said last night that we were all neurotic bitches. No shit, sherlock.
I want a "moonlight kiss":( |
| posted by maldita @ 2:46 AM
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When i watched Serendipity again, i wondered, how much of movies really reflect the waking world. The scripts were inspired by a human being - perhaps their imagination or personal history but they still reflect a concrete perception like some inexplicable abstract art piece.
So how much control are we really given?
Sarah: Fate is telling us to back off
Jonathan: If fate didn't want us to be together, then why did we meet tonight?
S: I dunno but its not an exact science, its a feeling
J:What if you're wrong? what if its all in our hands and we just walk away, no names no phone nos. and walk away. do you think fate is going to deliver our information right at our doorstep? You don't have one of those incredible nights of your life with a complete stranger and then leave it all to chance, do ya?
Do we do something about it or do we sit back and enjoy the ride? Why do we even wake up in the morning then? Like the other day, I chose to not wake up and instead snuggle my pillow till la la land consumed my consciousness. I dreamt some big dog was chasing me and i could not do anything but stand still and wait till he made a move. I couldn't understand it but i still preferred to remain immobilized in my bed to not feel anything the whole day. That's procrastination at its best.
So anyway, serendipity is the story of jonathan trager and sarah thomas. They have one beautiful evening where the universe seemed to have done everything in its power to bring them together in the busy corners of new york. After 7 years(seven years??!), he gives up his dream of becoming a documentary filmmaker while she becomes a therapist and gives up her belief in fate and destiny.
Sarah: Holding on to beliefs like that stops us from doing the real work.
Then at the edge of their own engagements with other people, they take control. She flies to new york from san fransisco while he attempts to get her last name. his explanation for futile efforts:
J: the universe keeps revealing her to me, screwing with my head! I'm sure that everytime you fall in love with someone, it's a completely new experience...but its like Halley is the Godfather part 2 - that was an incredible movie, might be better than the original - but no matter how much you love Godfather part 2, you have to see the original to understand and appreciate the sequel.
It isn't all that easy - D'Sound
Everyone i talk to is fighting emptiness
For so many crossroads, security is less
Life comes with no manual and little are we taught
Happiness and freedom are promoted to be bought
But it isn't all that easy when you're made out of fire
But it isn't all that easy when you're bursting with desire
But it isn't all that easy when you haven't got a clue
and that blindfold is blinding you
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| posted by maldita @ 2:10 AM
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| Thursday, January 22, 2004 |
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SUNDANCE film festival
Heard from Dino last night that Quark's Keka will be entered in the San Fransisco Asian Film Festival...yipee!
In a few months i'll be able to leave the country to catch at least one of these things!:)
DIG!, a flick about the tumultuous relationship shared by musicians Anton Newcombe of the Brian Jonestown Massacre and Courtney Taylor of the Dandy Warhols won the festival's highest honor—the Grand Jury Prize for Best Documentary.
The documentary, directed by Ondi Timoner, shadows the two rockers on their quest to revolutionize the music world, during which they prove themselves to be both best friends and bitter rivals. |
| posted by maldita @ 8:37 PM
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| Wednesday, January 21, 2004 |
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I am reveling on "Serendipity"
from the movie...
Moonlight Kiss
By Bap Kennedy
I can feel my heart and it's fit to burst
I try to clean it up but I just get worse
Wish I could fall on a night like this
Into your lovin' arms, for a moonlight kiss
I thought I saw your face in the evenin' sky
On a lonesome cloud that was driftin' by
Wish I could fall on a night like this
Into your lovin' arms, for a moonlight kiss
You got someone else maybe it's for the best
Since I took the cure for happiness
And I'd trade it all on a night like this
For your lovin' arms and a moonlight kiss
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| posted by maldita @ 10:43 AM
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| Tuesday, January 20, 2004 |
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i believe in fate. very strongly. at the same time, i look at signs. i search for them and keep myself aware in case they drop on my head at any time. Right now i am devoid of signs. and am lost. very lost. I am clueless where i want to go. clueless who i want to be. clueless who i want to be with.
I had dinner today with Alan, his friend LJ and wife Carina. Seeing as everyone in the table was married but me...the topics ranged from their married lives to dream interpretation. Very enjoyable and interesting. I hope to get some good pics to email them and so that Alan can convince his wife to come and visit the Philippines soon. Need to show her that it is a very safe place in reality. the media just makes it look bleak or limits their perception to newsworthy grimstuff. On a good note, Alan said he'll set up a job interview for me in the US. Sounds like a good position but like i said, i don't know where i want to go anymore. So my plans have this huge gaping hole in the center...
Identity crisis at the moment. Lost in oblivion. Searching for meaning and for sincerity. Actions not words. No more words. I am immobilized in my fear and anxiety.
For some reason everyone has been calling asking for advice. I willingly give it amidst by own ignorance. Advice is easier to give than to apply. At least its a good distraction from my own cry and frustration. Take off the rose colored glasses and be blinded by the light. It hurts at first but you get used to it. Or you go blind permanently. I don't want to feel any emotion anymore. Make me blind and invulnerable.
You invest too much, you lose as much. Pull out of the fund before you sink too deep. Like stepping away from the slot machines in vegas...then you keep coming back - maybe this time, maybe this time, or the next and the next...
Can't speak.
How does that song go? i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell. or from "Concrete Seconds" of pinback:
Sitting at a bus stop trying to take my shoes off but my laces are all knots and you - looking for an answer to an old question - do easy I can't explain it and anything I say to you is gonna come out wrong anyway
how come others can leave unscathed and you beaten to a pulp? |
| posted by maldita @ 12:01 PM
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Is that such a priority? Is that some sort of measure of a man's worth? To drag what's best in him out into the street so every average slob with some pretense to taste can poke it with a stick?
In my opinion, this is pretty powerful stuff. ...your instincts are profound. But the whole thing needs to be given a more cohesive shape. It can be expanded, followed through, unified. Do you see what I'm getting at? Are you willing to commit yourself to this? To really work on it? To give it its due in the face of adversity and discouragement? To rise to the challenge you yourself have set?
Quotes from "HENRY FOOL"that speaks through a script and picturesque shots of the mundane...and is inexplicably inspiring. Quark says either you really like or really don't like this movie...well i sure as hell got smitten by it! :)
could be due to my wierd attraction to the geeks in glasses...and uniquely interesting & insane characters.
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| posted by maldita @ 2:31 AM
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| Saturday, January 17, 2004 |
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In BBC News...
Amidst piracy and kazaa...the UK Album sales rose by 7.6% in 2003 to a record high, fuelled by falling CD prices.(congratulations Dido and her "life for rent" for being the best selling album) I wonder if that's the same here in the Philippines? how much has that album and movie industry really suffered?
BAFTA snubs Last Samurai (take that Tom Cruise and your humongous ego!) but includes Cold Mountain. Jude Law and Nicole Kidman are nominated for best actor and actress.
When am i going to get to watch Love Actually? sigh. gimme my hugh grant, colin firth, liam neeson, alan rickman --all in one movie! now if they could only fit jude law, john hannah, michael palin, john cleese and clive owen. now that's the best of the british for ya! |
| posted by maldita @ 8:23 AM
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| Friday, January 16, 2004 |
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Do you start something you’re not sure of finishing? Do you start something you know is going to end? Could you have been here before and may have not yet learned your lesson? Do you run and hide now before it gets worse?
one friend of mine has been with her foreigner boyfriend for almost a year, i think. now that she's come to terms with possibly moving to his country with him, he's feigning uncertainty and doubt. another friend who has been wooed by a guy over the deep blue sea found the courage to visit and has now returned stronger and so has their relationship. Amidst his own initial hesitation. so what advice can i give my friend given the conflict of opinion?...nothing is certain anyway.
Maybe my best friend had the best story. Even if she knew her boyfriend planned to move to the US eventually she refused to let it affect the present situation. no matter how many people doubted the future. Even until the last week when he sold his car, packed his bags and was ready to move. she didn't doubt. and then he stayed. They've been together for about four years now.
Just talked to Miguel on the other side of the Philippines...he told me he's running for governor and i'm certain he will win. he will be the youngest governor. very happy for him to live his dream :) and am happy he's such a good friend through the distance.
Don’t even start sung by Dan Mackenzie
If I had known back then what I wish I knew now
Then I’d be way ahead of the game you think I’m playing
If you’d been in my shoes when I was out of town
You might be nervous but you’d probably be staying
Because love won’t break your heart if you won’t let it
Get up into your head it wouldn’t tear your faith apart
But if you think you might regret it, don’t start
Don’t even
I see an open door where you’ve put up a wall
And I’ll be walking through to disarm you any second now
If you come easily, I’ll handle you with care
But if you struggle I’ll besiege you with temptation
Because love won’t heal your heart if you deny it
Don’t knock it till you try it
We are all afraid to die
But if you’re too scared of living don’t try, don’t even
If you want out, I’m leaving…goodbye
Don’t even try
I’ll put you in your place, just show me where it is
I’ll carry you up high to the summit of contentment
And you could read my mind if you were not so colorblind
I’ll be yours and you’ll be fine
Just as long as we’re not thinking
Because love won’t break your heart if you don’t let it
Get up into your head
It wouldn’t tear your faith apart
So if you want just come and get
But if you think you might regret it, then we might as well forget it
Don’t even start |
| posted by maldita @ 10:06 PM
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romancing the smoke. cig. yosi. fag. butt. bum. words that commonly refer to what wreaks havoc in your bodyflow. Whether it be air, blood or stress. the most common theme of poetry is love. second is death. mine is smoking.
it is difficult to date one that does not resemble yourself in more ways than one. aghast is the cliche': opposites attract. notice how many smokers end up together? the cancer that revolves between you is like your perfume and cologne dancing in mid-air - it is a connection.
needless to say, i will quit one day. i remember quitting effortlessly for three months. the great test was when i threw jane a despedida party in the brash basement with every guest smoking a storm. i was covered in a carcinogenic cloud without even the slightest urge to taste one. but once i started in AIM, it all came back to me like 2nd nature. stress makes me breathless.
in my poems i relate smoking to other addictions - unrequited fervor, the need to work to my health's demise, the desire to be useful. And so even in my fear of being criticized by more eloquent poets, i'm posting my poem i wrote a few months ago...though i am a fan of aliteration more than rhyme.
Unrelenting
BY M.E.
I stare at the twists and turns of gray
They envelope my scrutiny
They dance on end, graceful liquid air
I alone live this ceremony.
I draw it in, then exhale
The orange flickers tickle vision
Engulf a cancer through my lips
Like your sweetness, my absorption.
Accumulating ashes land on the ground below.
My fingertips are flaxen with familiarity
I continue to inflict myself until I am numb
Like the delusion of your memory.
You are like a box of Turkish delight
Seductive and unwavering
Such a short interlude
Leaving its imprint on my wasting
The gray waste should be evidence enough
Your adoring lies will leave me dry
But like this element that will one day kill me
I persist to disregard destiny’s cry. |
| posted by maldita @ 7:47 PM
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| there's something itching in my back...thought some stupid mosquito took a bite off me last night...and upon close inspection with a mirror i saw the marks. But asked my mom to verify...apparently i have grown a mole. right smack dead center at the back of my neck. geezus. |
| posted by maldita @ 7:10 AM
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i am so stressed...no sleep, having hallucinations already. apparently last night when i got home from a gruelling day of doing my MRR in school i walked right past my dad and passed out in the sofa with my mom. I can't even remember! I can still see the numbers 1-2-3-1-2-1-4-7-5-6 from the survey results worksheet flashing before my eyes...like a stupid matrix code! So who cares how much percent is the growth rate of bread consumption over the past three years? I don't want to know if the barriers to entry are high....aurgh!
so instead of writing some anecdote or omnipotent reflection...i'll post the lyrics of another song in my head:
No Myth by Michael Penn
So, she says it's time she goes but wanted to be sure I know
she hopes we can be friends...
I think, yeah, I guess we can say I but didn't think to ask her why
she blocked her eyes and drew the curtains with knots I've got yet to untie...
what if I were Romeo in black jeans, what if I was Heathcliff, it's no myth
maybe she's just looking for someone to dance with...
See, it was just too soon to tell and looking for some parallel
can be an endless game...
We said goodbe before hello, my secrets she will never know
and if I dig a hole to China I'll catch the first junk to SoHo...
Sometime from now you'll bow to pressure some things in life you cannot measure by degrees
I'm between the poles and the equator don't send no private investigator to find me please
'less he speaks Chinese and can dance like Astaire overseas |
| posted by maldita @ 2:04 AM
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| Tuesday, January 13, 2004 |
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No One is to Blame by Howard Jones
this song brings me back to the 80s...
You can look at the menu but you just can’t eat
You can feel the cushions but you can’t have a seat
You can dip your foot in the pool but you can’t have a swim
You can feel the punishment but you can’t commit the sin
And you want her and she wants you...We want everyone...And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can build a mansion but you just can’t live in it
You’re the fastest runner but you’re not allowed to win
Some break the rules and live to count the cost
The insecurity is the thing that won’t get lost
And you want her and she wants you...We want everyone...And you want her and she wants you, No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can see the summit but you can’t reach it
It’s the last piece of the puzzle but you just can’t make it fit
Doctor says you’re cured but you still feel the pain...
Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain
And you want her and she wants you...We want everyone...And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame...No one ever is to blame...No one ever is to blame |
| posted by maldita @ 10:32 AM
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When do you commit to a formal relationship? The question plagues most people lost in the antiquity of affection. Even if you have defined it, how does one explain open partnerships and open marriages? I guess the meaning is variable and capricious.
In my younger years, the definition would be when I didn?t want to go out or spend time with anyone else but one person. Things were much simpler then. And full of inaccuracy. But a point was brought out to me tonight. What about when you are attracted and smitten by a whole person? Not just the great rapport, the enigmatic stares, the physical beauty or the unexplainable way he or she can finish your sentences for you. But the whole thing. The yin and the yang. The light and dark side. I still take everything with a grain of salt, a pound of flesh and without rose-colored glasses. Pessimist. Jaded.
Ever heard of the SATURN RETURN? It usually occurs when you are around 28 years old. You feel stymied and stuck at life's spinning cycles. This is called such because every 28 years, Saturn returns to its original position in your natal chart. So that explains everything right? Well, maybe not but it?s an easy recluse from the confusion.
I recall talking to a 28 year old woman at a dinner party. I was around 22 at that time. I asked her if she felt pressured to get married. Most women perceive 27 to be the ideal marrying age. Yes, I'm 27 but do not generalize me. Anyway she said around 27 she did feel the push, externally and internally. Then when she hit 28 bam! It didn't even matter. It's like she was reborn and focused on her personal expansion. Marriage was not even in her books anymore. Maybe it was the Saturn return.
I actually see a lot of people who can vouch for this belief. My mom was skeptical when i discussed it a bit with her then remembered this was around the time she decided to take her MBA...hmmm...
Over coffee tonight, Martin was the one who brought up the term. Which aroused my curiousity and thus resurrected my adoration for the Google search engine. Where would we be without it? Less informed, I suppose. Back to my story. He describes it as like a little ball. Wherein different layers are added on since you were born then all of a sudden you start peeling them off with only the most simple and valuable remaining. The layers are like friends, beliefs, norms, habits, perceptions and limitations. And as all such separations are, when you take off a layer it could sting and hurt. You are left open like a fresh wound that is more sensitive and vulnerable. But growth always comes after a difficult experience right?
Which brings me back to my forever mentioned plan. I once described moving to another country as something very challenging. I also used the analogy of a ball wherein you have to break it up and as it scatters can you rebuild it into an even bigger whole. I like Martin's use of the ball better.
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| posted by maldita @ 8:22 AM
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In the news today...
- Katie Holmes and Chris Klein engaged
- Frasier is soon going to end
- Ben Stiller and Adam Sandler fight it out to see who is the best romantic comedy leading man with the movies "Along Came Polly" and "50 first dates"
- just after watching Rollerball on cable today, another movie featuring some daring sport opens, "Torque" on motorcycle racing
- Ads have scattered all over NY to signal the end of Sex and the city saying stuff like "You didn't good sex could last forever, right?"
i'm just trying to look at the lighter world of movies as i meditate about the meaning of life and MRR. Too much thinking, coffee and cigarettes can lead to a big headache and wooziness. Enough corporate gobbledeegook. At least i got two chapters down.
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| posted by maldita @ 6:48 AM
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| Monday, January 12, 2004 |
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me and the girls in Nuvo last friday...
me, chancy, jane, sadrina and trina
congratulations Je & Riley on a new bouncing baby!! you were with us in spirit :)
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| posted by maldita @ 8:46 PM
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| it's like throwing tomatoes at a brick wall sometimes... |
| posted by maldita @ 11:09 AM
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| Sunday, January 11, 2004 |
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Lin: What's going on here?
Kamaji: Something you wouldn't recognize. It's called love
Chihiro: For some reason, I can remember Haku... from a long time ago.but I thought I never met him before!
Zeniba: Oh, that's a wonderful place to start! Once you meet someone, you never really forget them |
| posted by maldita @ 1:24 AM
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| Friday, January 09, 2004 |
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just surfing through my bulletin board and have now updated my links (see left column) of my friends' creative minds...you guys rock!!
- JA the genius shows the photo gallery of JA Tadena - you are the best cinematographer!!!
- jolly the genius shows the demo reels of Jolly Feliciano - the great commercial directooorrrr!
and i met dino the genius last night...had an embarassing incident and it did not help since i was also (here i go again) starstruck/tongue-tied...I also got a glimpse of Karl Roy of P.O.T. in Peligro woohoo!...
I wonder if anyone will one day get tongue tied when they see me...fame and fortune? never really been my goal anyway. i enjoy being on the other side going gaga.
my links are multiplying each day... |
| posted by maldita @ 9:01 PM
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Ok i feel ALOT better this morning. I missed my meeting this morning but i guess i'll just make an excuse on Monday. I had my early morning coffee and cigarette in the patio with erik and exchanged our stories from the past two days. I am finally watching Spirited Away tonight while I stay home. Actually i remember watching the beginning of the movie a year ago but never finished it. So anyway, will prepare a good bowl of buttered popcorn and plop on the recliner later. But before that - Today is just MRR day...revise the the stuff from the first draft, gather more surveys etc.
I just noticed from my sitemeter that my average visits per day has increased from the usual 18 to 26! wow i guess more people have been visiting. hope you all enjoy the travails of my life. heehee... |
| posted by maldita @ 7:48 PM
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my horoscope today says: Intensity of emotions is the name of the game, today, Margie, and as we all know, this kind of energy is right up your ally. Feel free to let it all hang out and make sure people know exactly where they stand with you. You have got a tremendous appetite for the truth, so dig for it. Your heart may want to take off into the clouds while your intuition may be calling you back to Earth. Try your best to balance these energies and use them to infuse a creative burst into your romantic life tonight.
No shit sherlock, i have an intensity of emotions today. It is past 4am and im just riding this whirlwind rollercoaster. Does that sound bad? imagine what my stomach feels. Yes, i'm not exactly being poetic here. and i am also inebriated. That should make me feel better but it doesn't. Not even alcohol can numb me. I need reassurance. i feel like i'm alone in this boat. with so many different people telling me they want to be in it, except the one i could be foolishly waiting for. Yes, foolish would be an appropriate description of how i feel at the moment.
i'm staying home saturday night. i feel like hiding in my room. |
| posted by maldita @ 12:32 PM
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| Thursday, January 08, 2004 |
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What is it about having someone in the back of your mind that inspries you? all of a sudden you feel capable of just about anything. You have an overabundance of energy, a skip in your step, and a glassy smile like a new moon.
Last night, a lot of old familiar faces crossed my path. All of them had very endearing and comforting words. Old flames, lost loves and one only friend from grade school, Dimples. I'm glad i got to see her since it was her last day before going home to san francisco. THe last time i saw her was in grade 6, i think that was in 1987 and now she's getting married. Its when you see people you cared for after over 10 years - and they still give your heartfelt hugs - that you realize your efforts did not go to waste and friendship transcends time.
Even an old ex boyfriend who makes it a point to see you when he's in town and reminds you of how uniquely special you are, regardless of your failed efforts in a romantic relationship is a welcome respite from insecurities and provides the solace of reassurance.
Then you realize once more that there is someone who is the source of your happiness and life satisfaction. That someone varies with each of us - between your best friends, your present significant other, your soulmate...and sometimes its just yourself.
From a conversation I had last night:
me: thanks for being so sweet
friend: you make it easy to be sweet to you
...and it is everyone's affection, pure and free of any alterior motives, that makes me want to return it...over and over...time and time again. |
| posted by maldita @ 7:36 PM
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| Wednesday, January 07, 2004 |
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This book I bought by Liz Greene helps to put a lot of things into light. (Hey vince, maybe you’ll like this description of us!):
Enough has been written about Scorpio’s famous sensuality and erotic inclinations to make further descriptions redundant. Not only redundant: they’re not strictly accurate either. Passion, Scorpio possesses in abundance. But that passion may not necessarily come out in the obvious way. Sexuality for Scorpio is more a matter of emotion – a symbol, a way of reaching a different order of experience. It isn’t just a physical release. Taurus is really the sign of pure earthy sensuality, not Scorpio. Many Scorpios have a deep mystical feeling about experience which the ordinary relationship cannot provide. Call it what you like – a mystical experience, a taste of the depths, a surrender or whatever. It has less to do with the body, and more to do with the soul.
You might call Scorpio erotic, rather than sensual. There is a world of difference. Pick up a copy of Playboy magazine and you will see crude sexuality at its most rampant. It’s the body which is the turn-on. Eroticism is different; it’s the tone, the colour, the atmosphere, the underlying feeling. Watch a Japanese film like Empire of the Senses. Sexual it isn’t. Erotic it is.
Because Scorpio is a fixed sign, it possesses a capacity for enduring loyalty and love. This can sometimes amount to an act of great self-sacrifice. That same fanaticism that we sometimes see in Scorpio’s religious and political views can permeate his relationships as well. There isn’t anything lukewarm about the Scorpio lover. That is, if he is in love. If he isn’t, you are liable to be confronted with that chilly quality which all water signs possess when their feelings aren’t engaged. Sorry. Nobody home.
Since the Scorpio rarely misses very little, he has a real capacity for understanding the other person. He will know an awful lot about you very quickly. For those who don’t like this kind of honesty, choose some other sign. But if relationship means something more than hanging about at discotheques together, try a Scorpio. His way of conducting relationships – if it becomes a relationship and not a one-night experiment – always has depth.
And in the news today...The sun has a twin in the left claw of Scorpio. |
| posted by maldita @ 9:23 AM
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almost forgot to post my hongkong entries...
What is it about the holidays that gets us so sentimental and tearing like skinsheets of onions? Is it because tis the season for gifts and hugs and kisses from loved ones? But we have so many relatives and friends that we can hardly keep track! Is it the fact that December brings mediocre work days and numerous parties galore that now is the time to ponder at your past year only to result in an empty hand and an embrace of air.
I feel bad for friends who have to go through these days with heavy hearts. And I pity those who don’t appreciate their present situations. Some forget how it is to be lonely that they become insensitive to those who are still smarting from wounds that haven’t healed. It is during this season that I recall the mounds of mush and tissue that encompass movies such as Sleepless in seattle, Someone Like You, and When Harry met Sally. Remember the new year’s countdowns they had to endure?
My theory is that cold weather makes matter weaker. Like ice that can crack a safe with the tap of a hammer, it leaves you brittle and vulnerable to even just a few notes from “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire”. So as I write this in chilly Hongkong weather…I wonder. I still do not have a hand to hold yet I manage. My rationale is why start something now in Manila only to say goodbye when I leave the country next year? It has worked well for me in the past year to make decisions based on my own plan and not be influenced by someone else’s presence. Ok, maybe a few variations can be made. Though admittedly I cannot wait to get back to sunny Manila and roast in front of the open (sun) fire. Besides Valentine’s Day is coming up. Need all the warmth I can get. Maybe we should plan the beach trip as soon as now.
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| posted by maldita @ 9:11 AM
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| Tuesday, January 06, 2004 |
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hahahahahahahahahaha!...yun lang. |
| posted by maldita @ 6:11 AM
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i'm about 80 percent done with my latest artistic project. its like a little production for someone special. Now that its almost done i won't enjoy those little snippets of time to enjoy my outlet. But hopefully he likes it. I think it's only the second of its kind that i've made but the first one was not as ornate and well-thought. Taking the advice of a certain poster in a recent entry...yes it IS so much better to create something with inspiration behind it, and not formulate within a vacuum. Now if i can only decide whether to give it or not...i'm crazy, i know.
It was delightful to bump into some close friends (Macky and Has) and some old friends as well (Kate, Daphne and Margs) as i returned the two movies i borrowed in rockwell: Le Divorce (i am Kate Hudson!hehe) and Gamitan. Flights of fancy. I still have my copy of Storytelling though the beginning seems very disturbing. I'm not sure if i want to finish it.
I want to watch BIGFISH!!!
Whoa, amber is the color of your energy
Whoa, shades of gold displayed naturally
Launched a thousand ships in my heart, so easy
Still it's fine from afar, and you know that
Whoa, brainstorm take me away from the norm
And henry fool is now in LA to finish up the editing to his movie! yipeee! too bad there's no assurance of internet access but with his new phone (quark, nainggit kasi siya sa phone mo) he can now send me messages in manila. Gruelling week for him and me (MRR!MRR!) but its only for the next two weeks. He already showed me the artwork for his promotional postcard and i got all excited. Can't wait to bring the finished film to manila. maybe in time for cinemanila? (grin) |
| posted by maldita @ 5:28 AM
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| Monday, January 05, 2004 |
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head is about to get chopped off...then i'll really be a headless chicken running around!!!
MRR deadline! MRR deadline! buck-buck-buckaaaawk! |
| posted by maldita @ 9:25 PM
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| Sunday, January 04, 2004 |
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i have a love-hate relationship with Sundays. Right now i'm in the despise mode...i find that i can cry almost on call. But i'm not. Amazing how i also find it the most romantic night for dates. Start the day with sunday mass, lunch and coffee with the fam after, then spend it with the love of your life. The composition of a perfect and filled day.
But since i am currently nursing a bad hangover, trying to gather the remnants of last night's events, sweltering in the heat of the afternoon, and don't have the ideal date for tonight...im just going to curl up in the patio chair, finish my book Bodega Dreams, have a few cigs and a mango shake. |
| posted by maldita @ 12:24 AM
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| Friday, January 02, 2004 |
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i need a drink...dammit.
can't sleep...it's already half past four a.m.
no one else is awake.
and my head is clouded with confusion and ambivalence. so here i go begging the universe to give me a sign - a figurative easy-way-out. horoscope says to follow what the heart says and not so much the mind. I so desire a drug that will numb the senses and the emotions that flow through the rapids of my consciousness. and put me to sleep before the sun rises. |
| posted by maldita @ 12:23 PM
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I'm getting tired of the pessimistic tones of people regarding my situation. Here i am trying to ignore the known characteristic of scorpios to always be in control and its hard enough as it is to disregard the fear that is surrounding my happiness. I wish friends and so-called friends would stop rushing the definitions, trying to fake intuition when all they have are sweeping statements of cynicism. I have been striving to adapt a more taoist nature and let things happen on their own time because if you use up the instances analyzing an unforeseeable future, the moments just pass you by. Or if we succumb to that fear we are left paralyzed by our own anxiety.
CLARITY by John Mayer
I worry I weigh three times my body
I worry I throw my fear around
But this morning there's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain
By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light pretending
That it somehow lingered on
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find if this will last forever
And I will wait to find that it won't and it won't because it can't
It just can't (It's not supposed to)
Was there a second of time I looked around?
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down?
Was anything enough to kiss the ground
And say I'm here now? And she is here now
So much wasted in the afternoon
So much sacred in the month of June
How bout you?
And I will wait to find If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind when it won't and it won't because it won't
And I will waste no time worried bout no rainy weather
And I will waste no time remaining in our lives together |
| posted by maldita @ 8:50 AM
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| Thursday, January 01, 2004 |
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my horoscope...
Ah, New Year's Day... You may decide to give up on love and relationships altogether, given the current planetary aspect.
planetary aspect? though it did cross my mind as i polluted my lungs in the lobby lounge last night. I think this was around 11pm and needed to be alone. will post my thoughts from last night later when i get home from my trip. I am currently logging this from the desktops in Cathay pacific business class lounge. I luuuuve this place! Happy New Year to everyone!!! |
| posted by maldita @ 11:34 PM
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