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| Tuesday, January 20, 2004 |
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i believe in fate. very strongly. at the same time, i look at signs. i search for them and keep myself aware in case they drop on my head at any time. Right now i am devoid of signs. and am lost. very lost. I am clueless where i want to go. clueless who i want to be. clueless who i want to be with.
I had dinner today with Alan, his friend LJ and wife Carina. Seeing as everyone in the table was married but me...the topics ranged from their married lives to dream interpretation. Very enjoyable and interesting. I hope to get some good pics to email them and so that Alan can convince his wife to come and visit the Philippines soon. Need to show her that it is a very safe place in reality. the media just makes it look bleak or limits their perception to newsworthy grimstuff. On a good note, Alan said he'll set up a job interview for me in the US. Sounds like a good position but like i said, i don't know where i want to go anymore. So my plans have this huge gaping hole in the center...
Identity crisis at the moment. Lost in oblivion. Searching for meaning and for sincerity. Actions not words. No more words. I am immobilized in my fear and anxiety.
For some reason everyone has been calling asking for advice. I willingly give it amidst by own ignorance. Advice is easier to give than to apply. At least its a good distraction from my own cry and frustration. Take off the rose colored glasses and be blinded by the light. It hurts at first but you get used to it. Or you go blind permanently. I don't want to feel any emotion anymore. Make me blind and invulnerable.
You invest too much, you lose as much. Pull out of the fund before you sink too deep. Like stepping away from the slot machines in vegas...then you keep coming back - maybe this time, maybe this time, or the next and the next...
Can't speak.
How does that song go? i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell. or from "Concrete Seconds" of pinback:
Sitting at a bus stop trying to take my shoes off but my laces are all knots and you - looking for an answer to an old question - do easy I can't explain it and anything I say to you is gonna come out wrong anyway
how come others can leave unscathed and you beaten to a pulp? |
posted by maldita @ 12:01 PM
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