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| Saturday, January 24, 2004 |
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I haven’t opened my laptop since I finished the 2nd rev of my industry analysis. But since I am stuck in this room of mine due to the flu, boredom and anxiety beckons me to it. JV says this is like the third weekend that I’ve been sick. Well yeah I usually stay home now but the weeknights keep me up and about. Being immobilized by a bad cough, headaches galore and joints as sore as can be, can lead to very disturbing thoughts and insecurities.
Today as I woke up filled with disappointment at the lack of a message from someone, I wondered if I would have anyone ever see me in this state. True, family will always love you no matter how shitty you looked but what about your life-long partner? Are you confident in the thought that they won’t flinch at the sick you? Not that I look like some leprosy-stricken person, but there is that lack of poise and composure when you’re coughing and wheezing at 90 miles a minute. I think that only when your significant other can stand that sight of you – sick, dependent, weak and practically useless can you test whether they will love you unconditionally. In sickness and in health…it’s easy to like and care for someone at tolerable limits.
Then I imagined what it would be like for me to live in colder climates like San Francisco or the UK. Geez! I can freeze almost instantly in those places. I always get sick when I travel – maybe because I wasn’t that prepared. My last trip to Hongkong was the first time I didn’t get sick. Maybe because my parents let me smoke (haha) and I didn’t suffer withdrawal. So now I have to think about that. When I migrate to another country, I’ll have to be alone when I’m sick. No one to take care of me or anything. Well, this weekend I haven’t seen anyone in my family either. All i’ve had to face is periodic text messages from friends and my personal pharmacy – a medicine box for everything imaginable. That’s separate from my first aid kit. So do I really need someone to embrace me when I feel this low? I don’t need it but it’s good to have that feeling - someone who will be there not to pamper you but to alleviate the insecurities brought about by weakness and uselessness.
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posted by maldita @ 12:34 AM
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