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| Monday, August 15, 2005 |
| show me how to live. |
Thanks to the overtone boys, debbie and chris…this jobless rut I’m in is much more bearable than the time when I got back from SF (see entries of late 2004). It’s much easier to wake up each morning to a conference request and you know that the next few hours are just filled with hilarious taunts and talk of food.
Today, or actually yesterday, we spent the afternoon walking around Market Market…with the sole purpose of finding socks. Don’t ask me how that consumed several hours but it did. Inclusive of a food trip of barbecue, inihaw, shawarma and bibingka.
If not for them, I would never have gotten my ass out of this chair which also prompted me to get that overdue application for the Philippine Art Awards. Now I’m figuring out what I’m going to draw…I have around two months to finish so I can make a real constructive piece.
But they just left and I feel sad again. It’s not that their company is a temporary escape but probably because I find myself awake again at 4am contemplating certain issues and problems…the lack of something I’ve wanted for too long. Security of self.
Staying awake like this keeps you questioning what you wish to happen or what could have been. They’ve seen me cry a million times already but I try not to anymore. But it’s all still there. I told chris once before that I can cry on call. But I’ve also developed this strength to hold it in at inopportune times. If this ashtray could talk. I smoke way too much nowadays and it’s sometimes scary.
Tonight, during the band rehearsal, I saw the copy of my old poem that the guys printed out to make into a song. I thought it was sad that even though I wrote that several years ago the lines still ring true. Has nothing changed? Has nothing improved? It still wrenches my gut as when I first wrote it. Not for the man I wrote it for but for the many others it held through for succeeding years. Shouldn’t there be an improvement? The past years can’t have been for naught. But I can’t see the lessons I’m supposed to have learned from going through the motions.
Show Me How To Live by Audioslave |
posted by maldita @ 12:34 PM
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