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| Sunday, July 31, 2005 |
| push me off the road. |
I woke up this morning feeling this ache. I can’t even resolve whether this has all been a bad dream or a good one. It’s just a excess of too many things happening at once that I need to step back and breathe.
I was on time for mass even if I think I cried myself to sleep at around 6am. Aside from the lack of slumber my mind was immensely exhausted that I was tearing as I heard the sermon without comprehending a single word. The only escape I could get was this little boy, a very happy one jumping around and smiling in front of me. He looked vaguely familiar. Which my mom pointed out over lunch.
That’s what I need. Laughter. I’ve been called a drama queen for years and the only way for me to forget that life is not about tragedy is someone who will remind me with light smiles and a free spirit. For the first time, my parents talked to me about my problem over lunch with my brother. They surprised me with their questions that really brought clarity over my situation and who I am and what I want. Well, they have known me for close to thirty years right? And they’re wiser than they let on.
One of the questions was – what was I afraid of? Another was – you don’t have to know what you want, but you already know what you don’t want, so what are those things? I’ve worked hard for most of my life to get to a certain goal and now it’s just crumbled to pieces as soon as I’ve set sight on the finish line. And with this dreadful incident followed an opposite, or rather karmic saving-grace-angel.
Dad also told me that he raised me to be strong-willed and unrelentingly independent. That’s what he wanted me to be. And that’s what I’ve become. Mom told me I’ve spent all my life taking care of everyone else that I don’t know how to handle being taken care of. So I run. Or hide.
They ask me to tell them more stories. And I am happy to tell them. Excited even, because it was such a delight to share how I had done nothing but laugh for weeks. Gratitude goes out to the one responsible.
So what’s my problem you ask? I don’t know. I just know my only safe refuge is isolation. To think, to feel or just to function. Last year, on a long distance phone call to Manila from San Franciso, I called the deliberate bastard. And he told me, why do I always look for what’s not there? Or whoever is not there. The problem is really with me. I’m the only one who can figure it out to eventually get it solved. I need time to stop and see what I have to be happy about…and make sure not to let it go.
So I walk. I drive. Without any destination. I think of nothing. And my head is slowly calming down.
It felt so sure but we said no
We're throwing lies at someone
We don't know, we don't know
From this reality
Why can't we risk our lives
For something that we can't deny
We try to run from something
We don't know, we don't know
Is this reality? Is this reality?
Why are you crying?
I feel so sorry...
- Life Support by Hale |
posted by maldita @ 8:34 AM
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