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| Saturday, April 01, 2006 |
| demons. |
In one’s personal heirarchy of needs there are basically three options: power, acknowledgement and money. I was asked this question before as a way to find direction and satisfaction in life. I easily answered acknowledgment as my greatest need or desire. This is the one that requires the least effort and yet it is the first thing that would make me feel satisfied. Good about myself. Appreciated.
I hate being taken for granted. Hate hate hate hate hate hate. I can’t say this enough. Hate hate hate hate not being appreciated. I could go on cursing to high heavens at the moment for so many things but I’ll just keep saying this: hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate…until I get too tired.
I hate all this indecision. Unappreciation. Uncertainty. Confusion. I was just telling drew earlier today about how I had mapped out my life since high school. I had every single objective or goal planned up until I would take my masters. And I did accomplish it all. A lot of forked roads but the objectives were all met. And since that fateful day in 2004 when I graduated from AIM, I have been the most lost little girl in the realms of my mind’s eye.
I don’t know why I feel so lonely at the moment. I felt so bad that I had to call Debbie and Norby who immediately rallied to my rescue and said they would see me tonight. Keep me company. Just help me forget the reasons for this perplexity I have not even determined yet. I need a release. I need to just not think or take care of anyone or anything. Just for one night. Just set aside all my cares and shitfaced responsibilities. Everyone needs that liberation. I refuge from insecurities, loneliness, lectures of how I should live my life.
Sometimes you just need an outlet for stuff inside. Especially me and my emotional baggage of bullcrap. I'm not a dependent kind of person. I rarely come out and call someone to ask for help. but when i do, you'll know i had already tried to take care of it by myself. I also hate being summed up by people. That they know how to fix me. to handle me. I've never been a sample of oversimplification so it is very difficult to understand me. Took my friends years to figure that out. I just need an outlet. I just need to focus on good things. If i can't figure out the source of my psychotic rampage, at least i know what will help me smile.
I wish I had a punching bag at the moment. Or a baseball bat wherein i can just hit that damn $%&*# ball out of the field. My mind is not working so I can’t even explain the reasons I feel this way. I have no strength to analyze the source of my repression or give rationale to my rage. I just know how I feel. And I feel Forlorn. Despondent. Weary.
@#$%&*#$!*&%$*@?$@#!
you know when you feel so bad about yourself that you eventually become so angered? that's what i'm going through now. I'll take N's advice and see if i can sleep this off. times like these i miss the bitch me. the one who couldn't get hurt. the one who inflicted pain and not the other way around.
maybe this is what chris was talking about in one of her earlier posts. Imbalance. When your life is not balanced, the scales tend to topple over and you're left a mess. I've been so preoccupied with too many things at the same time that i didn't notice that the scales have been tipping over the edge. and now it's fallen to the ground.
demons by guster |
posted by maldita @ 2:59 AM
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