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| Sunday, April 09, 2006 |
| honey and the moon. |
lately i've felt like my world has been turned upside down. in a good way. i'm changing a lot of things. getting used to working and the responsibility. re-learning past habits. evaluating priorities. nurturing a love that i never knew i could have. reconnecting with my family more. opening up myself to spiritual reclamation. It's not really a new direction. It's the exact same one but with a new outlook. new perspective.
i watched an old episode of scrubs over an early dinner by my lonesome. I can't help it...my eating clock just hits at around 4-5pm each day for some wierd reason. i've felt a strong fondness for that show every since i saw the first episode of the first season. it made me laugh. it had a moral in the end without being preachy or cheesy. but now it seems like a kinship. I learn more about jb's life and what it entails for as much as the script can carry. It also seizes issues that we go through each day.
the episode i saw tapped into the topic of people who ask for help. I once mentioned that i admire and have an affinity with the sadistic Dr. Cox. Tough love and all. And it kind of hit a nerve when JD told him that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It's more about opening up yourself to someone else. The thing is, i always did see it as a symbol of my vulnerability. One that i've never wanted to confirm or reveal. At the risk of being taken advantage of. Or left to its own lonely devices. Disappointment. Disregarded.
Mom told me something today. I forgot what we were talking about but it was with regards to my demeanor and closed-off interior. I said something about not being affectionate. not asking for help. not wanting to depend on anyone but myself. That's when she said - actually, you used to be. but i also saw you get hurt...so you shut yourself down. and only now you're trying to get it all back.
I couldn't argue. I couldn't disagree. I guess when you've been left alone more than once you tend to want to never ever depend on anyone to take care of you. Even when they want to. You instinctively tend to reject it and walk away. But not this time. It is a lonely road but i'm also glad i went through it. I got the strength i wanted. But as i thought about it - strength doesn't have to mean distant, detached or unfeeling. Needing someone other than yourself isn't a debility. Shutting yourself out doesn't make you impervious to pain. It just represses the anxiety.
but i'm older. yeah i know i am. in the past few years i've had to fend for myself - and with the help of great friends. Through bad jobs, bad relationships, and other destructive situations. I've become more comfortable with myself...knowing my own limits and my own desires. I can sit in the back porch by myself. no book in hand. no cigarette. just sit there and watch the world go by. When you know you have nothing to lose, that no one can threaten that special relationship you have with yourself...then you're ready to share your life.
no particular reason for this song...except that it helped me discover a new awesome singer for my roster of mp3s. and don't you love title of the song?
honey and the moon by joseph arthur |
posted by maldita @ 5:40 AM
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