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| Tuesday, September 27, 2005 |
| get what you give. |
had a discussion with gil last night about how i am when i am angry. it's funny, if you read the very first entries of this blog (way back in 2003), i was a VERY ANGRY PERSON. having been betrayed and lied to, it was so much for my strength to take. i wanted to hit someone. i wanted to use every swear word imaginable to impart the pain that he caused me. and then it all disappeared.
so in last night's phone call, my friend asked me what was the longest time i had stayed mad at someone. my answer: about a year. it was my friend bryan. who i thought was a good friend until he mistakenly sent me a message (subject: me) to benjo. i just blew my top. i cursed him for about the length of 5 text messages. he apologized of course. what else does a guilty person do? every few months he would check if i had forgiven him, only to be replied with more cursing. this went on for a year. until one christmas i texted him that i had decided to forgive him. and he called immediately, happy to have his friend back. the one who stood by his side through all his breakups and even trekked through edsa dos with him.
but if in my early years i swallowed everyone's bullshit...my quarter-life period found it's voice. and it was an angry one. i think only in the past two years have i learned to manage it. i keep it inside until i'm calm enough to voice it out...that is, if that person or friend is worth salvaging.
but with that regulation comes another realization...that everyone is expendable. you don't have to support a person who isn't worth it. you don't need that aggravation. i've set aside people mainly because they took advantage of the care i'd given. isn't that enough reason to know that they don't deserve to be a part of my life? so maybe i'm not left with a whole battalion of a barkada to do things with...but i'm left with a few real people. they are those who i would drop everything at the sign of a tear. they are those who i would forsake sleeping at the middle of the night or morning just to talk them through their latest breakup. they are those who i would defend with my life, even if the whole world had their guns set to fire.
the scorpio trait is one of revenge. but i've never really resorted to it. it's a result of bitterness. a completely different emotion from anger. and now, i am angry...i've been seething since late last week. but i'd rather walk away and let karma do its own work. i refuse to give something undeserving any more of my energy.
Get What You Give by New Radicals |
posted by maldita @ 1:18 AM
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