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| Wednesday, May 31, 2006 |
| supposed to be. |
hmm...just some food for thought. we have a lot of plans in the air. but nothing is coming down yet. maybe it's time to stop wishing for the star to fall. and just go up there and grab them.
Quickie:Everything's out there for you to see. Open your eyes and stop hiding behind wishes.
Overview:Being bigger and more powerful than others doesn't inspire respect -- it inspires fear. Respect is earned in a far different manner. It's time to think about the ethics you hold dear and follow through on them.
supposed to be by cary brothers |
posted by maldita @ 7:23 PM
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| Saturday, May 27, 2006 |
| huwag mo nang itanong. |
As Ray Porter watches Mirabelle walk away he feels a loss. How is it possible, he thinks, to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance so that when she was gone he would not miss her. Only then does he realize that wanting part of her and not all of her had hurt them both and how he cannot justify his actions except that... well... it was life.
Just finished watching Shopgirl. It’s an adaptation from Steve Martin’s book. It brought back feelings of uncertainty and apprehension for the future. You really aren’t sure what will happen. It furnishes you an anxious emotion that makes you want to stop time, or keep everyone at a distance. If only for pseudo shelter.
But you can’t really do that. You cannot really impede what is meant to happen. For all the reasons that are inaccessible to the human heart. But at present time, just when you are so overwhelmed by your (possibly) luck or deserved favor, it is void of any doubt. So much hope fills you with the potential to actually find your dream. And the long run will confirm whether that dream is really what is preordained for you or not. No one can tell. You can only wish.
The rain has brought it back. A melancholic chokehold in the middle of the night. An adjustment period of being alone in the world. Because that’s what we are. Individuals with separate providence. Unless you’re lucky enough to find someone or some people with the same course.
I’ve just recently allowed my emotions to get the better of my own restraint. That is not a good thing. I have become lax with my maturity and digressed into a state of brat and bitch. If only life were so easy, where we don’t lose our conscious selves and continue to pursue the progression. But instead we tempt the tempers and tantrums as if to say – still think I’m so great? Why would anyone want to intentionally try to destroy good fortune? Unless you are say, a pessimist by nature. And you would rather obliterate it yourself than let some outside influence have the satisfaction of taking it away from you. It still sounds ludicrous.
I spent the afternoon walking various streets and pathways in the city by myself. Out of requisite, to meet people for lunch and cross out some items on my to-do list. Sort of like a day to clear my mind. I was pretty stoic. But I think it was also a necessity. To disconnect myself from the insanity I impart on the people I care about. Ironic that to have no direction can steer you on the right path of perspective again.
When I wonder about the times I’ve hurt people without the intention of doing so, but only succumbing unknowingly to the selfish voices in my head – I have no idea why they still find the reason to stay. And as soon as I wake up out of my egotistic echoes, profuse apologies lack their charge. The sentiment of remorse cannot be secured with words. And I cry tears of sorrow.
But I am clueless as to what I have in store for me now. Insecurity and uncertainty are cousins of a different cosmos. The semi-annual lunch with my roomies verified this. I had stories to tell but no concrete strategy to speak of. BUT, they have seen a drastic change in my life, out of choice. And they said it was about time I found that peace. Although there was no hint of realistic and practical options, I’ve found the proper focal point, I found out what is important. The intangibles of time and love. And this is where I have no regrets for my sacrifices.
huwag mo nang itanong sa akin by eraserheads sung by MYMP |
| posted by maldita @ 8:18 AM
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| Sunday, May 21, 2006 |
| rollercoaster. |
and just like that, the ride brings you back down.
don't you wish security and confidence came in a pill form? whenever someone calls you fat or tells you insensitive things like you should do all that you can to stay pretty or else you'll lose your man, you could just pop it in and all that negativity just disappears. Remember when this guy once told me "you USED to be hot"?
I know everyone would say you shouldn't admit this...being insecure. But i don't care. This is how i damn feel. I don't know if it helps to tell your loved ones about it, or even complete strangers in this blog but what else am i to do. cry by myself after i look in the mirror? i know everyone feels insecure or that they don't measure up to their own standards somehow. Which is why i'm not afraid to admit it. Because you KNOW what i'm talking about.
Talked to the girls about it last week but even their encouragement and ego boosts couldn't snap me out of it. The "man of my dreams" also gives me so much reassurance but it's still not sinking into my stupid brain. The only thing i retain are the shitty things people say. I don't know what else to do short of getting major plastic surgery and sucking all the damn fat out of my body...or maybe i'm thinking it wrong. I don't feel like this all the time. Maybe what we need is a pill that would make all negative comments make you deaf once spoken. Then you won't be prone to their suggestions. That you need a new chin, a new nose, different hair, flat stomach blah blah. And that includes even the mean, critical voices inside your own head.
or maybe i should just shut up, never admit this (and burden) anyone with this again and HOPEFULLY it will just fade out into oblivion.
rollercoaster by everything but the girl |
| posted by maldita @ 6:06 AM
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| Tuesday, May 16, 2006 |
| walking on sunshine |
so many plans...so much excitement.
A lot of things have been developing on a daily basis for my life and i'm really happy. I'm glad that in the long run i've decided not to burn bitch bridges, i've never settled for less than what makes me comfortable and happy, and i'm surrounded with such adorable people in my life.
i've been keeping myself busy with a new project. One that is so conducive for my schedule, skills and peace of mind. Erik helped me develop my company name and logo already: PicME Consulting. Promotions and Integrated Communications for Market Equity. Or basically: Pick ME (those are my initials). And he even designed a logo for me which i thought was amazing. My current project is for a very admirable friend who I trust and enjoy working for. This seems to be my real forte - marketing and promotions. I am so engrossed in developing new strategies and activities that make full use of my creativity. I'm also like this one-man ad agency while I develop all the marketing material designs. Now if i could only get the upcoming coreduo2 that will be released in september. I won't have to be bogged down by my laptop's limitations.
JB and i have also been able to spend more breathing time together lately. Even with both or work schedules taking up a lot of our energy, we still manage to become excited upon seeing each other even for just a few hours. It's great to have someone share an interest in what you do for a living. Just taking turns sitting beside the other while the other works is enough to give you a big boost of energy. Both our families also get their own share of quality time with the both of us together. Something I hardly shared with any previous relationship. Last mother's day weekend was one such celebration. separate dinners with our nurturing mothers and he was even sweet enough to bring both my mom and lola (and me!) flowers at the Sugi lunch. I'm also happy he got to meet my sister, grandparents and closest cousins. We all had so much fun till the wee hours of the morning playing poker and pigging out.
And then we leave some time to dream and evolve in our plans for the near future.
Tonight I get to be with my girls, debbie and chris. it's been a long while since we've seen each other for our usual girls-night-in session with wine and tapas. We've all been so busy that it seemed nearly impossible to get a dinner in edgewise but finally we will be able to catch up tonight and hopefully get drunk out of our wits.
yeah a lot has been happening. and i've got this damn big smile on my face :)
walking on sunshine |
| posted by maldita @ 10:50 PM
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| you make me... |
for a brief moment, we enjoyed the rain. It was good while it lasted. Although now we're back into the gruelling heat of the summer.
I really liked the short period of precipitation. It's a double edged sword though. It can bring thoughts of melancholy loneliness or romantic inclinations. But on one of those rare days I wondered why I felt nostalgic on days like these. And then it hit me...rain used to mean that the schoolyear had started.
Don't you remember? when we had to get ready for our first day of school. Rainy days in June. Part of our uniforms were the raincoats and umbrellas. We woke up early and splashed on the puddles. You see janitors mopping up our messes as we walked up those stairways to new sections, homework and study study study.
So that cold weather, the wet wading brings me back to semi-sweet times. It reminds me of new beginnings. First day of school. Mom would wake up early to prepare my lunch. I would be forced to finish my ever-despised glass of milk in the morning. Dad would drive us to school. Back then we had still lived in the south so it took us about 30 minutes to get to CSA. (then again that didn't change even when we moved to Makati since traffic here would immobilize you for 30 minutes as well). But i liked the new crisp school uniform, new shoes, and my ever favorite - pristine school supplies! When you got to class you would find yourself with a new rotation of classmates. A chance to make new friends and lunch buddies. For some of us romantics, it brought a chance to find new crushes, suitors and focus of amorous fantasies.
All in all, rain was a symbol of new beginnings. And the ever-resounding boost: this time it will be better.
you make me by Monday Michiru |
| posted by maldita @ 8:26 PM
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| Sunday, May 14, 2006 |
| maddening shroud. |
been talking to some friends recently...and we've noticed so many changes. each of our lives have taken different turns which are good individually but as a whole, it seems to separate us more.
i once asked someone about this situation. both of you are lost (figuratively, of course). do you get lost together and try to help each other grow...or do you grow separately and hope to find each other again?
the answer: the first is more romantic. but the the second one is more real.
so now what?
sigh.
but a nice development is that i've been bumping into a LOT of old friends while i'm malling down south. Even the last time I was in greenbelt enjoying a nice coffee date , we bumped into tweety and raf who were also enjoying a rare quiet night together. I'm just too exhausted from having too much on my plate to get my butt in gear and work...i'd rather just wing each day at a time.
maddening shroud by frou frou |
| posted by maldita @ 2:43 AM
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| Sunday, May 07, 2006 |
| trust me. |
sometimes you need reinforcing messages to prop you up out of your self-centered neurosis...
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. - Nelson Mandela
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward, it is not a compliment to say it is brave. - Mark Twain
Courage is the willingness to accept fear and act anyway. - Unknown
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. - Ambrose Redmoon
“What you are afraid to do is a clear indicator of the next thing you need to do.” - Unknown
and my favorite...
The mighty oak was once a little nut that stood its ground. - Unknown
trust me by the fray
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| posted by maldita @ 9:15 PM
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| Thursday, May 04, 2006 |
| do i need a reason |
is there really such a thing as unconditional love? we hear of it all the time from people who have been spurned by the objects of their affection. They feel it as true simply because they love these people regardless of whether they are loved back.
But i still always wondered about it.
Isn't it when we care about someone...we somehow expect them to return it? that's why we are so disappointed, sad or angry whenever it is not so. so it IS conditional. because of expectations. And if those expectations are not met, we reserve the right to react in a negative way.
My dad has this favorite motto about love: love does not alter when alteration finds. Yeah, he got that from Shakespear. At first i was just stunned to know that my dad actually read shakespeare but I he knows it so well that you'd think it was ingrained in his soul. probably. And whenever I was in a relationship he would ask me the same question: if your man changed, would you still love him?
Sometimes I said yes. Sometimes no .Sometimes maybe. But it gave me much to think about.
The dictionary defines Condition as: an assumption on which rests the validity or effect of something else.
Again this brings me back to my dad and his words of wisdom...before one of my cousins got married, he had a nice long talk with my dad for guidance. And my dad had this hilarious comment: your girlfriend looks like she has a tendency to get fat. You can see it in her body type. So ask yourself, would you still love her if she got fat? Well that made my cousin think it thoroughly. And when he decided that he still would, it helped him realize that he really did love her regardless of anything. And they got married. Wouldn't you know it, she got fat. hehe. And they would still be together if not for her and her wayward ways. I always knew my cousin loved her. But maybe my dad's question should have been asked of her as well. Would she love him regardless of anything that might change?
Another situation made me think of this question again. I asked a friend why she loved her boyfriend. Mainly because she just announced that they were engaged. And she said - i love him because he loves me. That brought a few shivers in me. Is it really just that simple? you only love those who love you? doesn't that sound wrong on so many levels?
Maybe it's just a question of semantics. being loved back is not a condition but a requirement. You can only imagine yourself with someone else if they love you back. Nobody wants to be with someone who doesn't really care. Someone who doesn't share the same vision and dreams of the future...with you.
Recently an old boss of mine got in touch with me. She was updating her phone book and asked the usual questions: where do you work? are you married? blah blah. I told her I was with a very special man now and that I was very happy indeed. She then told me to think of three things, requirements if you may: he should share in your visions and dreams, he should take care of you ("super baby you" were her words) and you should really really love him.
Maybe that's all you need.
Today when I saw you
I knew it was just like the first time
When you met my eyes I came close
And I felt like the first time
Do I need a reason to tell you why
I'm singing you this song
Do I need a reason to show you that
I know where I belong
Whenever I am weary I lean on
this feeling that I have
I am so much stronger now
Thankful, yes I am
Today I'll renounce them,
the doubts and the fears I've been nursing
I'll fly like a moth to the flame
and I'll feel like the first time
To hold back my fear
and let you come near
I've never been this far before
To hold back my fear
and let you come near
I'm afraid of losing and still I go
do i need a reason by d'sound |
| posted by maldita @ 6:45 PM
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| Tuesday, May 02, 2006 |
| wishing and hoping. |
so many things can happen in such a short period of time.
we can't predict. we can't assume. we can't prepare.
faith can only give us what we aspire for
i'm still hoping basic want and desire is enough
to make it all happen.
i'm taking a risk by going against everything
that's kept me jaded and guarded all these years.
wishing and hoping by ani difranco |
| posted by maldita @ 12:48 AM
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