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| Saturday, May 27, 2006 |
| huwag mo nang itanong. |
As Ray Porter watches Mirabelle walk away he feels a loss. How is it possible, he thinks, to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance so that when she was gone he would not miss her. Only then does he realize that wanting part of her and not all of her had hurt them both and how he cannot justify his actions except that... well... it was life.
Just finished watching Shopgirl. It’s an adaptation from Steve Martin’s book. It brought back feelings of uncertainty and apprehension for the future. You really aren’t sure what will happen. It furnishes you an anxious emotion that makes you want to stop time, or keep everyone at a distance. If only for pseudo shelter.
But you can’t really do that. You cannot really impede what is meant to happen. For all the reasons that are inaccessible to the human heart. But at present time, just when you are so overwhelmed by your (possibly) luck or deserved favor, it is void of any doubt. So much hope fills you with the potential to actually find your dream. And the long run will confirm whether that dream is really what is preordained for you or not. No one can tell. You can only wish.
The rain has brought it back. A melancholic chokehold in the middle of the night. An adjustment period of being alone in the world. Because that’s what we are. Individuals with separate providence. Unless you’re lucky enough to find someone or some people with the same course.
I’ve just recently allowed my emotions to get the better of my own restraint. That is not a good thing. I have become lax with my maturity and digressed into a state of brat and bitch. If only life were so easy, where we don’t lose our conscious selves and continue to pursue the progression. But instead we tempt the tempers and tantrums as if to say – still think I’m so great? Why would anyone want to intentionally try to destroy good fortune? Unless you are say, a pessimist by nature. And you would rather obliterate it yourself than let some outside influence have the satisfaction of taking it away from you. It still sounds ludicrous.
I spent the afternoon walking various streets and pathways in the city by myself. Out of requisite, to meet people for lunch and cross out some items on my to-do list. Sort of like a day to clear my mind. I was pretty stoic. But I think it was also a necessity. To disconnect myself from the insanity I impart on the people I care about. Ironic that to have no direction can steer you on the right path of perspective again.
When I wonder about the times I’ve hurt people without the intention of doing so, but only succumbing unknowingly to the selfish voices in my head – I have no idea why they still find the reason to stay. And as soon as I wake up out of my egotistic echoes, profuse apologies lack their charge. The sentiment of remorse cannot be secured with words. And I cry tears of sorrow.
But I am clueless as to what I have in store for me now. Insecurity and uncertainty are cousins of a different cosmos. The semi-annual lunch with my roomies verified this. I had stories to tell but no concrete strategy to speak of. BUT, they have seen a drastic change in my life, out of choice. And they said it was about time I found that peace. Although there was no hint of realistic and practical options, I’ve found the proper focal point, I found out what is important. The intangibles of time and love. And this is where I have no regrets for my sacrifices.
huwag mo nang itanong sa akin by eraserheads sung by MYMP |
posted by maldita @ 8:18 AM
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