:: musings of a misfit ::: October 2005
Saturday, October 29, 2005
suntok sa buwan.
how many more embarassing events do we need to go through? don't they have any shame whatsoever? all they value are their careers, even if it means they have to step or use other people in the process. if any of you were smart, you'd realize that within your own selfish ambitions to become famous, you are also more susceptible to scrutiny, investigation and criticism. Self-respecting filipinos can only take so much and wait for so long before we can hold up our heads high again. And then some new reason for ignominy rears its ugly head.

* DLSU players falsified documents
you deserve to go back to high school if you thought you wouldn't get caught.
* Orange & Lemons copied song from 80s band, The Care
you dare call your song "pinoy ako"? i never liked your band and now i despise you even more for your arrogance and impudence.
(here's a bio on the band, The Care. Wouldn't it be nice to know that one of the two members - Ian Broudie went on to be a success with The Lightning Seeds. Anyone want to email the mp3 of the pinoy ako song to them? Ian Broudie and Paul Simpson)

On that note, can someone go after Cueshe for ripping off Silverchair's song - The Greatest View? it's so fuckin' obvious! what do you they think? local listeners don't have access to international music? how stupid do you think we are? based on their hit song - apparently there are a lot out there.

Suntok sa Buwan by Session Road
good thing there are still filipino musicians with reverence for ORIGINAL pilipino music (OPM) who still make their OWN stuff. (And i do not include those artists who have released albums which contain ONLY remakes of old songs. don't release an album you hypocrites...just stick to singing covers in bars and obscure haunts since that's all you're good at.)
posted by maldita @ 11:22 PM  
money.
this cracked me up...


i still want an ipod.

Money (That's What I Want) by Flying Lizards
posted by maldita @ 5:50 AM  
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
we walk the same line.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MaRtiN!


I think my last email best describes how wonderful you are and how much i miss your brilliant anecdotes, whimsical and wistful moods, unwavering attention and friendship. "...Maybe it’s the same serene mood that you distinctly put me through…it eases me into a sense of comfort and calm with just the tiniest hint of melancholy due to missing you..."

to my best bud...i love you! and continue to live the life that i wish i was living. i'll live vicariously through your daily dose of the big city and bright lights. mwah!

We Walk The Same Line by Everything But The Girl
posted by maldita @ 10:53 PM  
soak up the sun.
Recently i've been surrounding myself with happy and uplifting songs...like Sheryl Crow's. I especially like listening to this song while driving down the wide streets of the Fort, either to meet up with some friends at Jill's or Market Market.

Yesterday evening i got to have an enjoyable drink with some friends, exchanging stories and encounters of the hilarious kind. But since they are married and/or have work the next day, it ended early - say 10pm at about the same time the caboodle started sending me messages to get my ass to capones already. So it's the regular tuesday night - give or take about 30 more people because of some party that wasn't so private since everyone wanted to enjoy the live music of overtone downstairs.

Had two highlights of the evening...one was bumping and spending quality time with Karl. See, he is the only guy who never fails to call me on my birthday at 12 midnight to greet me - since college days. imagine that. and we hardly see each other anymore so it was so wonderful to have the chance to catch up. Second highlight - after the gig, we all got our Burger Machine! woop woop! isn't amazing how you don't need some fancy shmancy dinner or breakfast with wine or basically something that costs a lot of money to be satisfied. So we welcomed the sunrise while sitting on a corner of Pasong Tamo just savoring it all up.

And we knew it would be so difficult to wake up for what we had planned this afternoon - and yet we did. I'm surprised the boys all got up earlier than me and to think I was supposed to be the one to trek to the "southside". So we spent the afternoon shopping like madmen in the aisles of Festival and Ruins Night Market with the pause for batchoy and then suman at Frank's for a makeshift dessert. And i got to meet his sweetie mom and sister! it's amazing when you meet someone for the first time and yet feel utterly comfortable as if you've known each other for years. No conscious effort to be anyone but yourself.

Detoxing as i was this day, it reminds me that i actually have the most fun with my friends when we spend it lolling around the mall, pigging out or just watching Jack TV together. haha. And all with the ever-embracing sun looking out at us.

Soak Up The Sun by Sheryl Crow
posted by maldita @ 8:26 AM  
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
ticket to ride.
Just when i thought i was one step ahead already, having bought my ticket to ride a plane to gensan last saturday...

Oct. 24 Overview: If you're not on vacation, you ought to be -- or you should at least be making big plans for an upcoming trip. Get out your suitcase, make sure your passport is current, and get your tickets. Now.

I was set to leave 7am Oct 25, Tuesday. Was going to spend almost a week there, just baking in the beach and sun. Had just finished packing yesterday afternoon when i got a call saying the whole thing was off. Because my host had to be called to another province for an emergency meeting or something. The boys were even so gracious enough to drive me to the airport and...splat. oh well. Other friends who i vented my frustration to suggested i join them in their own plans - davao, boracay, singapore...but i guess i'm just spent. forget it.

I'll just stay home instead of risking at third attempt at leaving for the long halloween weekend. And use my budgeted money for other uses...like a spa day. a parlor day. a cooking/baking day.

And tonight...i'll just drink to my frustration.

Ticket To Ride by The Beatles
posted by maldita @ 5:57 AM  
Sunday, October 23, 2005
float on.
just float within our bubble and be happy...


click the pic for more shots of last night.

Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans

Float On by Modest Mouse
posted by maldita @ 3:37 AM  
Friday, October 21, 2005
candleburn.
i'm just going to do some free flow typing now...not in the mood to detail and describe all the complications that seem to have followed me in the past few weeks. they've just reached an unmanageable amount inside my subconscious that has left me so weak. imagine if a romantic premise was even involved but it's not. here's a warning, this entry might not make sense.

you know that feeling when you don't know what you're supposed to do in light of different things you hear? it just leaves you immobile and terrified, unable to make a decision that will make you move forward or backward. so what do you do? well, i'm just staying still. not moving. an effort to remain transient and drifting wherever the tide takes me. trusting not the malicious words of others. trusting not the impaired judgment of affected parties. heard the words - hi darling! and i miss you! from kind-hearted souls. friends who practically dropped their drunken states to exchange some heartfelt advice and lending their ears to sobs without need for rationale. have you ever heard a candle burn?

the last time i had a cigarette outside in my garden, i found myself staring into the eyes of one of my greatest fears. literally. it was a huge frog sitting at the edge of the grass. ready to pounce on me. i was frozen in a state of panic. but he didn't move. he wasn't asleep either. when i moved in one direction, his eyes would do the same. so i lay still and ignored him. then he was gone. i was even more afraid that he would come back, even closer than before so i killed my stick and ran upstairs. could be a metaphor for what i should do. should i run after staying still? if i look away will it come back unexpectedly? talk about shocking me, forcing me even to realize something. anything.

i've heard too many stories and opinions that have threatened my ignorant bliss. i've failed to hear the words i'd much rather hear. but i love. unconditional. a bruise does not abate loyalty. comfort is a parallel universe reserved for a few. those you consider friends. it's the sense of self where you can safely say you are being who you are. psychotic or otherwise. and they don't judge or criticize you for it. they just love you and miss you when you're gone. i am an insane 40-year old woman inside due to my early lack of reservation. my gut feel is not really a gift but the first-hand knowledge garnered from experience. so it would be easy for me to see intentions. but not that i know what to do in response. that changes with time. i give gratitude and appreciation to messages and conversations yesterday evening - uncomplicated yet sincere. no thinking or discernment necessary.

blahblahblah. what to do. what to do. spent the whole day in bed yesterday. much to the alarm of decade long friends who have seen me through several downward spirals. as opposed to those who've only seen me through one. for some reason, it provides a difference in perspective. but i had nothing to do. or nothing i wanted to do. that's why i stayed in bed for as long as possible. it wasn't sad. comfy actually. with all my pillows and books for company. besides, someday i might not have time to do this anymore.

I read, and re-read The Fuck Up. It's just one of those books, like A Complete Lowlife, that makes you think - gad! this guy has one fucked up life. thank God it's not mine. and laugh at the poignancy.

While waiting for the subway, i scrutinized Helmsley's tragedy; unintentionally I had reduced Angela's guilt. She was brought up to see love as a weakness, whereas all Helmsley's books and needs had revealed love to him as a strength. Perhaps Helmsley's view was nobler, but in the end her vantage certainly proved more endurable.

Alcohol corrodes one's dexterity and sense of proportion, but it also heightens one's emotions. Smelling that fart, I thought of Helmsley in love. Had i spent my whole life confusing love with a series of erections? Love to Helmsley must have been an utter necessity, whereas for me it was always a luxurious distraction. I wished that i had the need to lust after some goiter-necked, tooth-decayed, leg-blistered old bag. If i could love like that then i would be a pyramid of emotions. and Arc de Triomphe of affection.

but today i woke up with a bounce. scurrying to have lunch with a group of my buds, make airline reservations and schedule an appointment with the hairstylist. i'm now going to the mall to scour the shoe shelves and bookshelves. i can't write the murakami review. i'll just get a new book. i didn't submit my art work today for the contest. didn't get to finish it on time. projects and people have faded into oblivion. but i can breathe. and move. without. and so i do. extricate. liberate. release.

Candleburn by Dishwalla
posted by maldita @ 12:50 AM  
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
alcohol.
Thanks to frank for the song idea...and for also caring enough to tell me something i didn't notice. i've been drinking too much too fast recently. i honestly thought it was still my normal consumption but i guess since i talk to him more even after i've gone home...he has a clue as to how plastered my brain has been. and norby confirmed it. i don't usually like hassling others to ever need to watch over me, but i really appreciate that they do anyway.

it's kind of wierd when you keep stuff inside. a lot of it. but the only reason is because i don't want to waste my days and nights going through every little thing...locking it in is a response to my desire to ignore till it goes away. but during moments of uncontrollable inebriation, it seeps out. ayan.

i enjoyed my always dependable intellectually stimulating conversation with robbie last night at ponti. he's only one of two other people who share the same juxtaposition of light discussion with the proper depth-of-field as me.

On a closing note...don't blame the alcohol. never. actually, you should apologize to the innocent liquid formula for using it for self-centered purposes.

I thought that Alcohol was just for those with
nothing else to do
I thought that drinking just to get drunk
was a waste of precious booze
But now I know that there's a time
and there's a place where I can choose
To walk the fine line between
self-control and self-abuse
- Alcohol by Barenaked Ladies
posted by maldita @ 2:23 AM  
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
let's stay together.
as of sunday, there was a plan. for monday. and it was the best plan ever! meet to watch a movie at rockwell. have dinner/coffee. go to overtone's rehearsal at pipeline. get sloshed in capones. hey waitaminute...that's what we've been doing every monday for the past several months! but N had the foresight of actually planning the times and inviting every single person in our veritable group, especially delinquent ones. we've almost cornered the alphabet: C,D,E,F,J,K,L,M,N,Q,S...did i forget anyone?

So anyway,with most of us on time to catch the beginning of the movie (40 year old virgin), we had dinner at Kaya and i bumped into the Escueta clan reunion in the next resto. then on to pipeline where mark and i got the next room from overtone's to practice for a bit. then to capones! which, for the next several hours, turned into some kind of press junket with everyone's digital cameras flashing at every turn. non-stop! geezus. we kept posing naman. it was great! oh wait, i said that already.


why the hell do i look that chubby? i didn't eat THAT much.

same pose, different guy - my five sweeeetieeees! why would i need a boyfriend?


ok everyone, smile! norby, sabi nang smile e!

a decent shot of Q,K and M despite the failed attempts of these boys to take a candid shot.

me and my "bro" fwankie-tankie practicing our bending-over act

hahahahahahaha!what alcohol does to you. not advisable for minors.

Let's stay together
Loving you whether
times are good or bad, happy or sad

Let's Stay Together by Al Green

posted by maldita @ 4:29 AM  
Monday, October 17, 2005
all these things that i've done.
so it finally happened. I grabbed the three different job sections of the Inquirer only to find that there is not a single corporate opening in it! they were ALL for call center jobs. and not the managerial ones - but the entry-level type! has this what we've relegated our country to? speaking english only to be catering to foreign industries? i know this creates jobs BUT...what future do these college -take note university!-graduates have as a call center representative? late nights at the office, subject to irate customers or callers and practicing all the twang they can muster? i really don't have anything against the success of this industry but i hope that these kids, these entrepreneurs and investors realize that the pandesal and lechon manok syndrome applies to any business. stop jumping on the bandwagon! and you won't find yourself in the ditch when the time comes. and it will. i can feel it.

ok that's just my vent. now comes the nice sunday story...daddy was an absolute darling to me yesterday. i had gotten home from a night out with the boys at around 6am. this gave me only two hours of sleep before i had to get ready to take my mom, alfie & sharon to the casa y jardin bazaar at intercon. i still felt drunk but what the hell. so anyway after a delightful lunch at sugi, daddy took me to lacoste and made me try on different shirts - my favorite kind - to check what size i was. so he knew what to get me. i have no clue when, but surprises are another favorite thing of mine. then later i got to drag him to Avant to check out the iPods. and we got into a long discussion as to which i should get - or rather which-i-want-so-that-he-can-get-it-for-me...apparently the basic iPod is alread being phased out so there's only the photo version which costs close to my last job's monthly compensation package. ugh. although mark just said that the video versionwill be available in two weeks. so we had to look into the nano with the smaller memory. hmm...oh well. bahala na siya. actually if you ask me, i just want a (completely) black iPod or iPod nano. gad they're beautiful. and would match Duff perfectly.

all these things that i've done by the killers
posted by maldita @ 12:34 AM  
Saturday, October 15, 2005
something good on a bad day.
fell asleep with a sense of displacement last night. but as soon as i woke up, i logged on to find an letter from the man who can never be replaced in my soul...

and as always, he is like the cliche of a sunshiny ray of hope. honey, your descriptive metaphors still manage to move me in ways that no one else can. and just like that, i have the sense of being comfortable within my own consciousness as you are in my thoughts. Nothing else can make me smile as instantaneous as when i receive something from you.

fire in ink. definitely. if only i could find the right words for you.
thanks for making this day a good one. for the umpteenth time. it's like you know just when i need that hug even from a million miles away like some kind of warlock. or kindred spirit.

Just wanna know you
Just wanna talk to you
I wanna hear about your day
I'd never leave you
Never be mean to you
I'd always let you get your way
Something good will come our way
And maybe this good thing's gonna happen today
You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Something Good by Bic Runga
Bad Day by Daniel Powter
posted by maldita @ 1:44 AM  
Friday, October 14, 2005
sometimes she cries.
but more often than not, she's this adorable bubbly little package of joy. This is the face that i've been coming home to for the past few weeks. I don't mind staying up late nights just playing with her and occupying myself with making her laugh...given the fact that she is still at the same timezone as her real home. i'm going to miss her when she leaves us next week, along with alfie - my most accomodating cousin and his equally lovable wifey. they've been bunking in my room for most of the duration of their holiday here in manila. although looking at them reminds me of my days sleeping on their couch in fremont more than a year ago. we still talk of the possibility of me moving there...especially since they have a house in hayward where i would have my own room. there's also the possibility of me overseeing it when they move again.



why is it so difficult to find your own place in the world? figuratively. Does it need to be this elusive to give the semblance of value? such is the curse of taking so much for granted that the universe has to limit its patronage.

Sometimes She Cries by Warrant
posted by maldita @ 10:45 PM  
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
where are you going?


:: need to start my artwork for the
Philip Morris art awards. I have my subject matter in mind, finally. now i need a week to create.

::mastering 5 songs so i can play without looking at the notes anymore. plus others' requests...
I'm still delirious from last saturday's performance. aside from a full house (it's the weekend naturally), good friends like debbie, jv, caco and robbie were there to catch me. big woop!

thanks to caco for taking the shot. and for the push up the stage.

::conjuring up three more poem entries to be subject to Cirilo Bautista's new book compilation.

::still writing
book review on Murakami so I can submit to Fully Booked this month.

::supporting the
boys at their gigs at least twice a week plus rehearsal. I owe them so much for their support with my bass playing! i don't think i'd ever have been able to play without you angels! i can't thank you enough! mwah.

::getting my ass out of the house three times a week to play tennis in Polo in the effort of losing those stubborn ten extra pounds


These are all things I enjoy doing but without a job to support me, I'm lost in my own eclectic mix of trades...

where are you going by dave matthews band
posted by maldita @ 9:10 AM  
Friday, October 07, 2005
electric mistress.
i know most of my entries have to do with dating and other related topics but at least it's better than other man-hating ones or those that despise the women who get them. hehe.

due to my stupid car's tantrum last night i was forced to stay home and ponder my life - past, present and future.

past. having gone on several first dates in the past month, i noticed a redundant topic which is the who have you date/who were your exes conversation. but i suppose it's the only gauge we have to asses this virtual stranger in front of you gorging on the aperitif. Sometimes I get lazy to impart my personal info that I refer them to this blog. But when I do get into a good albeit inebriated state of mind, I’ll just mention their characteristic descriptions: a surgeon. An entrepreneur. A single dad. A politician. A peter pan. A writer. A comedian. A guitar player. A bass player. a banker. A ramp model. A film maker. A lost soul. And their common denominations are their boyish good looks, striking confidence, their innate ability to make the simplest things interesting, and their capacity to make me feel like a goddess.

present. There have been lots of snickers and snorts regarding the powers-that-be. We speak of the different attempts and efforts that both men and women exert to attract another. Some are so palpable and futile that the scent of desperation makes us whimper in pity or crack up in ridicule.

Tim Tayag writes in his column in Manual magazine about the rules presented by the movie Tao of Steve. 1. Eliminate desire to sleep with them. The more you want something, the more you won’t get it. Desperation has never been attractive, has it? 2. Be excellent. Show her or him an extraordinary skill that will ingrain itself into their brain, especially during lax hours of the work day where they need a good thought. You do know you’re special right? 3. Retreat. Because what retreats is pursued. Since back in the old days, women have known this. But have chosen to ignore it in recent times. So what’s a man to do? Use it. I don’t understand why the strengths of each gender have crossed over but I guess that’s how we’ve evolved. This advice was meant for men but it also applies to women but using semantics for difference. Women like to be chased but they also like mystery. Men like to chase but they still want mystery. Girls, even if you like the man don’t give them the guarantee that they don’t need to work for it. Then they probably won’t.

Those who say they hate playing the game, just don’t play it well. Or they’re just ignorant of the mechanics. It IS called a dating game, you know. It isn’t about pretending to be someone you’re not. It’s about saving something for the actual relationship that your date can look forward to.

future. I’m still pondering over my schedule for next week. Playing tennis MWF. Bass lessons on Tuesday where I’m going to learn and master Half-Life and Angel. Attempt to become a ham on stage and play again. Go to meetings for jobhunt. Hang with the munching monsters. Push through with some more first dates. Wake up each day excited and smiling.


my bass playing debut on stage in Capones last tuesday, 4 October, 2005. I know what you're thinking, i need to show my face and project better. but hey, i was more focused on not making a single mistake! haha. i am the electric mistress! more pics once Server sends them. thanks to Norby for taking the pic.

electric mistress by jamiroquai
posted by maldita @ 11:05 PM  
Sunday, October 02, 2005
everything to me.
in retrospect of relationship(s) past that now provides only a perpetuating myth of the elusive shared attraction and sincerity of action.

I bet it makes you laugh
Watching me work so hard to reach you
You never gave a damn
About all of those things I did to please you

All that you wanted, you found somewhere else
And nothing could drag you away from yourself

Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?
Everything to me

Lucky I've been through hell
Backroads and shortcuts I know them well
Baby just stick with me
We'll make it together, just wait and see

The walls they close in
The air it goes out
We're left with nothing but a shadow of doubt
Nobody talks, no one is here
It's just you and me

I bet it makes you laugh
Watching me work so hard to reach you


Everything to Me by Liz Phair
posted by maldita @ 10:52 AM  
all the small things.
to commemorate the best food trips with the munching monsters...late afternoons, early mornings and just about any time we can squeeze in a few hours to eat.
Pancake House to buy Teriyaki Boy

All the Small Things by Blink 182
posted by maldita @ 7:29 AM  
 
 

she had eyes like two turntables mix(h)er in between my dreams and reality blend in ancient themes the bas(e)is of isis cross-faded to ankh the beat drops like a cliff over looking my heart - Saul Williams


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