| Sunday, July 31, 2005 |
| push me off the road. |
I woke up this morning feeling this ache. I can’t even resolve whether this has all been a bad dream or a good one. It’s just a excess of too many things happening at once that I need to step back and breathe.
I was on time for mass even if I think I cried myself to sleep at around 6am. Aside from the lack of slumber my mind was immensely exhausted that I was tearing as I heard the sermon without comprehending a single word. The only escape I could get was this little boy, a very happy one jumping around and smiling in front of me. He looked vaguely familiar. Which my mom pointed out over lunch.
That’s what I need. Laughter. I’ve been called a drama queen for years and the only way for me to forget that life is not about tragedy is someone who will remind me with light smiles and a free spirit. For the first time, my parents talked to me about my problem over lunch with my brother. They surprised me with their questions that really brought clarity over my situation and who I am and what I want. Well, they have known me for close to thirty years right? And they’re wiser than they let on.
One of the questions was – what was I afraid of? Another was – you don’t have to know what you want, but you already know what you don’t want, so what are those things? I’ve worked hard for most of my life to get to a certain goal and now it’s just crumbled to pieces as soon as I’ve set sight on the finish line. And with this dreadful incident followed an opposite, or rather karmic saving-grace-angel.
Dad also told me that he raised me to be strong-willed and unrelentingly independent. That’s what he wanted me to be. And that’s what I’ve become. Mom told me I’ve spent all my life taking care of everyone else that I don’t know how to handle being taken care of. So I run. Or hide.
They ask me to tell them more stories. And I am happy to tell them. Excited even, because it was such a delight to share how I had done nothing but laugh for weeks. Gratitude goes out to the one responsible.
So what’s my problem you ask? I don’t know. I just know my only safe refuge is isolation. To think, to feel or just to function. Last year, on a long distance phone call to Manila from San Franciso, I called the deliberate bastard. And he told me, why do I always look for what’s not there? Or whoever is not there. The problem is really with me. I’m the only one who can figure it out to eventually get it solved. I need time to stop and see what I have to be happy about…and make sure not to let it go.
So I walk. I drive. Without any destination. I think of nothing. And my head is slowly calming down.
It felt so sure but we said no
We're throwing lies at someone
We don't know, we don't know
From this reality
Why can't we risk our lives
For something that we can't deny
We try to run from something
We don't know, we don't know
Is this reality? Is this reality?
Why are you crying?
I feel so sorry...
- Life Support by Hale |
posted by maldita @ 8:34 AM
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| Friday, July 29, 2005 |
| no man is an island? |
i think The Island was great...lots of good action and i had a difficult time determining when the movie would end. not that i wanted it to. But i think Michael Bay needs a new bag of tricks. what has worked for him well in the past was just utilized all throughout this film without anything ground-breaking. I constantly refer to Bad Boys which started my admiration for the man and his talent. But what makes this movie so exciting are the characters, the script, the special effects but not so much the directing.
Now that i think about it, it was based on the Kazuo Ishiguro book - Never Let Me Go.
In that light, i would think the movie is a good adaptation...loosely. but still gives the same moral premise of what is it that makes us human.
Can we really survive in a world with "proximity warnings"? if they were really becoming human in that world, do you think any of us would have started going crazy within the first month? i get constant advice requests from friends as to how i've survived being alone for a while. I'm proud to say I think i've always been alone. Who else can you completely depend on but yourself in this life? friends and family are a great remedy for seclusion but you really go to bed at the end of the day with yourself. So why shun from the thought of being unaccompanied? alone isn't lonely.
So my response is always, be comfortable with yourself. there was someone who once said "i feel like i've been good to myself lately so I decided to take "Me" out on a date"...and so he spent the afternoon catching a good movie, having a cuppa joe and just walking around Greenbelt. Nice date huh? i do that a lot also. and in a society that seems to be averse to accepting individuality, i'm going to keep doing that. |
| posted by maldita @ 1:39 AM
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| Wednesday, July 27, 2005 |
| ordinary people |
how can a song be both realistic and romantic at the same time? I love it.
Girl im in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday
I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow
This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss then we make up on the way
I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay
Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know baby you and I
-Ordinary People by John Legend |
| posted by maldita @ 11:40 PM
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| Tuesday, July 26, 2005 |
| What could be worse than the total agony of being in love? |
This line comes from the movie Love Actually. Sam, the little boy in love says it to his father, played by Liam Neeson.
It’s true when you think about it. The risks are always brought up at the onset of a fascination. It was so bad at one point that I asked God to eradicate every man in my future whose only intention was to take me for a ride only to tell me eventually that the ride is over. And so the frost began. No dates. No interludes – not even a whimper of flirtation. My prayers were answered.
In hindsight, it was all a conscious effort on my part not to waste my precious time. I then threw myself into work like fire to gas. And as we all know, this led to my current third degree burns.
I haven’t yet began to pick up the pieces when I met my Beta Boy. I’m still in the first stages of recuperation from that other disappointment…and so I find myself being stricken with disbelief at the laughter and comfort he brings me.
But the heart and mind have a way of working things out. The mind devises a plan and the heart waits.
I think it’s sad for me to admit that I’ve developed a hard shell. Just when this endearing man has welcomed me into his life and affections. But I’m slowly giving in to the possibilities and these giddy giggles he’s ingrained into the pit of tummy. As cliché as it sounds, If only I could elucidate the bliss I am in from the time I wake up, through the course of the day and until the final thoughts of the night.
to reiterate quotes from Garden State:
Sam: If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you like.
Andrew: We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but, for for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is that we are. |
| posted by maldita @ 8:10 AM
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| Friday, July 22, 2005 |
| live and learn. |
Jesus at the back door
Everything is alright
All we need is some direction
Everytime the wind blows
Everything you don’t know
Turns into a revelation
It all ends up inside your head
Time is wasted
- Set It Off by Audioslave
Some people thought I'd do a Jerry Maguire, goldfish and all. But as time passed I realized that this is the best thing. Like a burden that i voluntarily took upon my shoulders, all i gained was a bad back, too much stress, a lot of frustration and a sense of abandonment - a lesser woman would probably have gone deranged by now.
And now i'm happy to leave.
I already miss the GREAT people i've become such close friends with. Those who I spend each day laughing and talking to. Even those who I've just joked around with from time to time on the other side office - they've made me feel really appreciated for how nice I was to them and ALWAYS treated them like people instead of slaves to do everyone's bidding.
Better sooner than later.
I was starting to become the kind of manager I hate. The one who drives their team with fear instead of an inner sense of commitment and genuine care for the company and brand. I couldn't help it. And if I didn't realize it sooner, I might have continued to become a monster that would squeeze the life and luster from all those around them.
I told our GM this morning, along with my resignation letter, that from the start I was clear that I did not like sales. But they convinced me to try it. I did. And it didn't work out. No sense forcing the issue. I'm a square peg in a round hole. Everyone understands. But in all political correctness and diplomacy - I gave this my best effort and she acknowledged it. My intention was to leave that office giving her my gratitude and sense of ease that I still cared about this company even if I was leaving.
God has his reasons and I have complete faith in that. My friends and family have all rallied their support and I am SOOOO grateful. It's like the big pit hurting in my stomach two days ago has disappeared because I know that i'm meant for something else.
I'm leaving really nice people. Not all but most. I think that's worth more than the amount on your paycheck or how much sales you've earned. I now have a higher respect for those with sincere intentions than those with the best stats.
So i've said my goodbyes to everyone at the office. I've finished packing up my things and signing off on pending requirements. I've had several smoke breaks with my close friends who are still planning my despedida gimmick. I'm really sad that I won't be able to sneak down for a smoke break, getting a ranting winpop message, receiving text messages from BCs every evening, having lunch at EAT, reveling in shopping sessions and makeup breaks in between cubies.
I'm going to miss Luxasia. |
| posted by maldita @ 12:28 AM
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| Monday, July 18, 2005 |
| no hand holding |
After months of hope and expectations...i have in my hands a beautiful bass baby! My gratitude goes out to Norby who, after much whining and hinting, has lent me one of his bass guitars. I expected only the most normal of types but he lent me a warlock...and to give you an idea what it looks like:
but the one i have is blue. i haven't had the chance to take pix yet.
much love goes out also to Miguel who without any request from me, offered and lent me his amp, cables and magazines. So much encouragement, especially from Frank who will tease and taunt me until i probably gather the nerve to go up a stage.
NOW can i call this bass, Ben? even just for this brief interlude. Many may recall that i once called my car Ben...(as in Ben Kweller, Ben Lee, Ben Affleck, Benny-boo-boo) who turned gay (Bennifer) and is now known as an inaccessible part of the woman's anatomy digressed from the plate no. (if you want to make out the acronym, its XSV)
I attempted to play it this evening but i still need to fix something with the cables. But i tried to plunk, strum and got it to hum. I have much to learn. And my little fingers will never be the same. |
| posted by maldita @ 1:39 PM
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| I was there. |
in spirit anyway. Everyone's been talking about it - The Neil Gaiman visit. Some clueless officemates and friends asked me to explain who was this man who could get raise such a clamor and pack Rockwell, Gateway Fully Booked branches to the brim? Unfortunately, having been familiar with this wonderful man's work since my early years in high school, i could barely say a word.
I feel like ever descriptive term i can think of seemed disparaging to what he has achieved in my mind. His books continue to move me to tears or thought. And to discover that he isn’t some psychotic recluse who has buried himself in his mother’s basement creating these books (ok I’m exaggerating) stirs me even more.
An excerpt from his journal:
In the Philippines, the people are enthusiastic on a level that makes the Brazilians look reserved and polite"…what I was trying to say was that until I got to the Philippines, the Brazilians were the most enthusiastic audiences I've encountered. For example, Brazil is the only place I've ever been where, when I finished talking -- an onstage interview -- the people in the audience actually rushed the stage, and I found myself picked up by a large bouncer, handed to another large bouncer who put me through the door out of the theatre and locked it behind me. Doesn't usually happen.
For that matter, I don't usually do signings for 1,200 people, as happened the last time I was in Brazil. So what I was trying to get across was that in terms of enthusiasm and sheer volume, the Filipinos pulled into the number one spot, forcing Brazil (which previously occupied the World's Most Enthusiastic Country spot in my head) to number two. It's perfectly possible that the next time I go back to Brazil it will reclaim its title.
Ten happy little fingers and they're mine all mine...
posted by Neil 7/12/2005 02:28:00 AM
There's nothing quite like coming back from a day of signing and signing and signing and talking and talking and signing, to be met with several thousand people pointing out that though my head thought "Leonard Cohen" my fingers typed "John Cale".
I do not blame my fingers. A number of times in the last two days they have happily written inscriptions for people while my head has struggled to catch up. "Gosh," I think. "It's a copy of Good Omens. What are some of the things I write in Good Omens?" while my fingers have already efficiently written most of Burn This Book. Probably they just got confused by "Hallelujah" or something.
I don't think I've ever been more exhausted at any point in a signing tour than I am right now. (Having said that, I don't remember ever having felt so loved by so many people.) But I get to sleep until I wake up and that's so good...
PS. I think I'm now addicted to calamansi juice.
I go, farewell. Farewell, I go.
posted by Neil 7/12/2005 03:58:00 PM
Okay. Leaving for the airport in a minute, in a thunderstorm of epic proportions. And I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who made my trip to the Philippines the most memorable trip ever. I'd thank you all personally but there are several thousand of you, and my fingers would start to hurt again.
But thanks again to you all. And yes, I do want to come back.
On to Melbourne... |
| posted by maldita @ 12:07 PM
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| Monday, July 04, 2005 |
| perpetual sickness. |
you know what my problem is?
i always want what i haven't got.
so i'm left wanting and waiting.
but not for the rollercoaster ride.
i want that caterpillar one, it goes up and down
bec. it doesn't scare me. just keeps steady.
so i bite my lip before I say something i may regret. |
| posted by maldita @ 12:47 AM
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| Sunday, July 03, 2005 |
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he is the most influential man in my life.
he inspires me to become successful in all aspects.
and taught me that life is not about how much money you make.
he understands my need for independence, but still has a hard time letting me go.
he gave me my first lesson - if you're bored, it's your fault. go find something to do- then you won't be bored anymore.
his mischievous smile instantaneously lightens my mood.
his heavy silence can make me cry.
my greatest fear is not to have him around for the rest of my life.
love you, daddy.
Happy Birthday! |
| posted by maldita @ 11:54 PM
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