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| Monday, March 07, 2005 |
| last man standing. |
The storm is over. And so the drout begins. My friends know what the hell I’m talking about.
Not a million sweet words can become an excuse for inconsideration or lack of affection. Bombard me with those snippets of fucking bullshit but probably one good indication for me that you mean it is if I know that you read this blog on regular basis. It is the key to my world and my mind. If you’re not interested in that then keep on walking!
Martin gave me the best advice: if he does not measure up to your level of cool, then buy him a beer and tell him to drink it far away from you.
Cecile gave me an even better one: nothing with a penis can diminish the fact that you are fabulous.
Something about these friends really warm my heart. Tonight was especially priceless. I can thank Cristina, Debbie, Marc, Red, Jay, Paolo, Ane, Frances and Martin for pacifying my unrelenting tears throughout the whole evening. Even as I said my goodbyes, the caring hugs of Jose and Niki were solace. Their comfort aimed to remind me that nothing is worth ruining my perception and hope. One friend mentioned that she admired me for always surpassing this fucking barrage of disappointment and having the courage to always take the leap of faith even if it usually left me in pieces.
red trying to cheer me up. damn those eyes are puffed up! they're all chinky now.
niki, jose, debbie and paolo
Intensity is not always a good thing. But I fail at the exam to turn it off, if only to protect myself. I can control it enough to project an aura of strength and tenacity but little do these fucking bastards know that I am all torn up. I refuse to give them the satisfaction. They fooled me once just to pad their flaccid egos, it would be sheer masochism to let them leave knowing I got hurt. I can talk about this freely now because I know they hardly give a shit about me to read this anyway. They probably don’t even know the address.
So here I am writing again. Can't sleep. Been shaking from the stress. Still in shock at the realization. But still glad i found out sooner than later.
I left Pipers as fast as I could in search of consolation in a place that valued me, Capones. It is like a haven for me to be myself and be welcomed with open arms. And it delivered. I drove at the speed of 80kph through the intersections of Makati to get to my “home”. I hate the fact that I shared this place and my friends in it with bastards who should only be so lucky.
I aim to quit smoking or at least cut down. After tonight, I think i've reached my quota for the month. As i lay in bed last Sunday morning at 5:30 from a whole evening of drinking, i made that decision. Just wasn't able to fulfill it. This purge should be good enough to push through it now.
I’m torn between posting the lyrics of Fall To Pieces by Velvet Revolver, Let Go by Frou Frou. But instead I’ll still maintain my infallible optimistic view of love and life with this:
Walking down to the water's edge where I have been before
If I don't find my love sometime I'm walking out that door
Some may come and some may go but no-one seems to be the person I've been searching for
The one whose meant for me
Biding my time, trying to find a heart that's lonely
Looking for her, my love my one and only
Maybe I'll dream, tonight about the girl who'll be coming my way
So I'll take this chance and celebrate the day when I'm making my way through an open door
I've got some love and so much more and I'm ready to make someone mine
Making my way through an open door I've got some love and so much more
And I'll find her, 'cos it's about time
You try too hard and it feels just like you're running on thin air
Why does luck happen by suprise if you don't really care
The past is gone the flames are out from fires that have burned
New ideals and different thoughts from lessons I have learned
Got the feeling this could take a pretty long while to find that smile
Put my faith in another piece of good advice, well I tried that twice
Waiting for, a little something more to inspire, take me higher
- "It's About Time" by Jamie Cullum
Sadrina gave me my new year's resolution at the onset of 2005. She said to avoid men whose names begin with the letter J and M because obviously that has some curse on it. And also Aquarians. If anything, chalk this all up to knowing what i DO NOT WANT. so it's still a step closer to getting to WHAT I WANT.
And most importantly...DEBBIE IS BAAAAAACK! Welcome home sweetheart!
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posted by maldita @ 1:23 PM
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