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| Monday, June 14, 2004 |
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i feel so fucked up. have no direction, don't know what i'm meant to do in this life in terms of realistic needs. Where am i supposed to work? where am i supposed to be?
So many great people have repeatedly told me throughout this entire trip that i shouldn't give up. But if they only knew how distraught i feel. Everyone says i should enjoy this vacation but there is a reason why i came here.
More of my friends and former classmates back home have started working already. And i just want that security. maybe i was too superficially optimistic and complacent that everything would drop in my lap. I felt this discouraged a few months ago when I couldn't find anything online. I've been searching for a job in SF since January! Now i'm here and still not a glimmer of hope. I suffer bouts of silence in between banter with friends because of this sense of uncertainty.
This feeling really sucks. I'm in this bleak, misplaced oblivion. Even my countless serendipity walks have led me nowhere.
So much for trying to abolish my obsessive-compulsion to plan every single goddarn thing in my life. Look where it led me.
june seems too late.
delayed...maybe for the better.
imagine us together
we're relatively stable and tentatively able
to say for certain
whether this uncertainty
is for sure
- "for sure" by American Football
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posted by maldita @ 11:38 PM
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