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| Sunday, August 06, 2006 |
| cry. |
Why do we cry? I can think of two reasons: sadness and self-pity. This emotion has been brought to my attention countless times over the past two weeks. One time, someone told me – stop crying! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get it together! To which I just wanted to cry some more. Last night I was talking to a couple who has an adorable baby girl and they were discussing how they should never give her attention when she cries. This gets her to stop the habit of crying just to get what she wants. Ah, there’s another reason: to get attention. Then today I was looking through the bargain bin of National Bookstore and there was this book entitled: Crying. How to deal when you’re at the end of your rope. (they can find ANYTHING to write a book about nowadays).
Well anyway, this all got me thinking as to why some emotions are just so uncontrollable and why they reveal themselves at certain times. I also think of that one little question someone asked of me before: what do you look for in a partner? And I said, I’d like someone who’d hug me when I cried. It’s comfort and security. It showed that there was this person who cared about you enough to help you stop feeling sad, or sorry for yourself and give you that attention. (and also someone who loves you enough to still want you after you look like shit) Funny thing is, I’ve never really followed my own advice or opinion. I had a friend who would cry when she got drunk or for some problem. I always told her – take it, swallow it down, and move on. Do something about it. Tough love. I didn’t want to be the parent-type who would spoil her into crying for her problems. I wanted her to be strong. I really should listen to myself more often.
 So let’s go back and blame the childhood, shall we? When I was a kid, I didn’t cry. When my parents would scold me, I kept it in and took it. Whether I agreed with them or not. Whether I was sorry or not. I was stone cold. Same thing with friends in grade school till high school. No one gave me sympathy. No one hugged me when I was down. So I never showed it. I never wanted to cry or get angry. I just swallowed it whole. But then came Mt. Vesuvius erupting. I snapped at people. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I just didn’t want to be taken for granted, or told what to do. I just didn’t want anyone thinking they were better than me and I would continue to take whatever mean, hurtful things they said sitting down. I stood up, defended myself and shouted till their ears bled. And you could say I went overboard. I was the ice queen. I was sometimes as bad as the people who stepped all over me for so long. It protected me from everyone. You can’t get close enough if you tried. Thus came the tough love bitch you all know, love and hate.
But my self version 3.0 has become a confused child. Cowering and whimpering. Lacking in confidence, I softened up. But I think, as is my uncontrollable habit, I’ve overdone it. I lost my voice. I don’t really speak up anymore. I can barely carry a conversation with strangers with my usual friendly, pleasant exhuberance. I don’t know where it’s gone. I’m so afraid to make a mistake that I’d rather just keep quiet. Someone told me recently – where have you been? And they didn’t mean physically.
I don’t know. I wish I did. But self-awareness is the first step right? I know I need to find that level of moderation to get the best of both self-worlds I’ve encountered in the past 29 years. Maturity need not be the epitome of cold, uncaring and jaded. Experience should not teach you that. Being the submissive child need not be lost either. Sometimes, it’s nice to let others take the lead. Actually, I’ve always longed for the person who got so much of my respect that I would follow him willingly. I think I found him already.
But it’s up to me to grow. To be respected and whose opinion is given worth. If I don’t have anything to say then what good am I to be heard? Crying isn’t going to make it go away so I guess I’ll keep that to myself too. No one need see it anymore. Besides, if you cry and speak at the same time, no one will understand you. Let alone want to listen.
So I talk to the only one who always listens and loves me and will never leave me. Are you there God? It’s me Margie.
I wanted to hold you
i wanted to make it go away
I wanted to know you
I wanted to make your everything, all right....
these are the songs in your head when you go to karaoke bars for office gimiks twice in two weeks. yeesh. but then again, i'll always love A Walk to Remember!
cry by mandy moore |
posted by maldita @ 3:25 AM
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