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| Wednesday, May 12, 2004 |
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Now I know why the lazy fucks I’ve encountered in my life get to their sordid states. I have been technically a jobless bum for the past ten days and I do think I am going proverbially insane. I find difficulty in sleeping before 5am and bear a grudging headache between 9am and 1pm the next day which I respond with an embrace of my pillow. And this is all devoid of the assistance of alcohol. So my days have fundamentally been about watching American Idol or CSI reruns and B-movies on cable as the rest of my house settles into slumber, sleeping as the dawn breaks and waking as the afternoon settles its sweat in my joints. Heaven knows what I do in between those things. Eat probably. I have also become a glutton still searching for the perfect hamburger and Caesar salad entrenched in my memory. Till then I gorge on different satisfiers such as breakfast fare, Pringles, ripe mango slices (I consumed 6 fruits today) and (you guessed it) mango juice. Hey at least I inserted some healthy provisions.
This is what I get for halting my planning obsession that so aptly began at the tender age of 15. As I got closer to my impending graduation, was informed of my inability to work in the US for the next few months – I have become my worst nightmare and source of disappointment in precedent characters that caused me torment. Has anyone ever died of boredom? Or lack of a future? No amount of good cheer from overworked drones that I deserve this vacation can soothe my ache for productivity. My dad once told me when I was but a wee little girl “You’re bored?! How can you say you’re bored?! Then find something to do! Don’t ever complain to me about that ever again!” and so I became a workaholic with an undertaking to complete if only to pass the time and I may never say the word “bored” to another living soul ever again.
That could have been my redemption. I could be a starving artist right now or sitting on my ass watching television or reading the papers each day, spewing idiosyncrasies and criticism to the next professional as if I knew better. Instead I incorporated a veritable time capsule to map out the next few years of my life to justify present states and can be considered a successful and accomplished entity. But during my busy agenda of finishing a Master’s Degree, I chose to take the road of less pressure and let the universe direct me towards my providence. Nope, fate and fortune has not said a word. No knock on the door, text message, email sent. Nada. All I hear is silence and the breeze that blows as I suck in the next carcinogenic hit.
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posted by maldita @ 11:08 AM
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