:: musings of a misfit ::
Monday, April 30, 2007
ok here ya go.
had a new blog. took it down. here's the latest: http://spintown.blogspot.com
posted by maldita @ 9:56 PM  
Saturday, February 10, 2007
find the new blog yet?
posted by maldita @ 7:37 AM  
Sunday, December 31, 2006
ordinary people
for all those with a broken heart...
never lose hope.
for the real thing can withstand pride, distance, difficulty and personal differences. Then you'll know.
Like this couple here.
click on the pic for a better view

Hope is the only thing that I can aspire for when this new year has already started off really bad. Which means, I don't have it yet. But I wish I could find it. I don't look forward to it at all, scared of what may come. I was more positive last year but when everything you wished for comes true and is taken away...it gets harder to have faith. it was good while it lasted. Some people said that 2006 was the worst year of their lives. well, for me...i think it was the best. the highest ups and the ended with the lowest downs. but it was worth it. to have love for once. and then i woke up from the dream.

Someone once told me in a bout of intense depression to get the knife out of their heart. I guess I know how that feels. But will it hurt even more? When the blood comes oozing out like a pool of acknowledgement and reality?

To everyone who's been reading my blog and says it reeks of negativity, I am sorry. I've used this for venting when I actually have the time to do so. I guess there are just some people who are meant to be alone.

I have this desire to lose all emotion or at least keep it locked away for good. no anger, no sadness. so many questions on what I could have done differently but it falls on deaf ears anyway. what do you do after you've committed your whole heart, soul and future? then what.

My favorite book of all time is the TWO STEP DANCE. I had it in my hands more than ten years ago but it jammed into my soul about what relationships are all about. And the insanity that comes with it. It is like a wake up call for those who speak of their impossibility. Don't know why I never took it upon myself to get my own copy. The perfect gift for anyone contemplating commitment and marriage. If you let each other lead once in a while, you stop fighting and you start dancing.

I don't think I want to write anymore. Some things are just too painful to speak of. Thanks for everything. Signing off for good.

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go...

- Ordinary People by John Legend
posted by maldita @ 1:44 AM  
Monday, December 25, 2006
Merry Christmas everybody!

Hope everyone has happy holidays and lots of warmth from their loved ones this season!
posted by maldita @ 7:58 AM  
Thursday, December 21, 2006
here it goes again
and thus you find yourselves, listening to my self-pitying worthless rants about how sucky my life is. I never realized how many friends still use this blog as their means to know how i'm doing on a daily basis. Up until I met some of them over the holidays for annual gatherings and they all expressed their worry. Aw. thanks you dear, dear friends.

I haven't written much lately. no time. no energy. unless i'm in a really bad state. and with no one to talk to - i turn to strangers for solace in my written words.

I don't know how it happened that i have become detached to everything and every one. when did this happen? I've made some people feel less of a priority and others even more shunned. But there are those who don't take it against me. they don't take it personally and still want to see me...when I have the time. whenever that is. It's nice to have that unconditional love.

I've been feeling bouts of loneliness at work. More so when I get off it. During the day, I have too much to do and that keeps me from sobbing from the loss of jb's hugs and kisses. and then I go home. And that's when it starts. I could go out and feel rejuvenated again - but honestly, my body is too tired. people need their "me" time also. So i guess its really a self-infliction, isn't it?

i think my lack of proverbial eloquence or declamations in this blog is due to the fact that I do have a difficult job. and it takes all of that gray matter to function and manage it on a daily basis. you wouldn't believe the pressure and the scope of responsibility. I've blown a fuse a few times. but not yet my whole top.

all in all, i'm feeling more accomplished lately. I've resolved to make this a better notch on my belt and i need to succeed if i want to respect myself for the rest of my years. don't you feel that sometimes? it's not for anyone else but for yourself. I think i deserve that. and i know i gotta work really hard for it.

I bumped into two important people in my career recently: kathy and rj. will all due respect for the rest - they were THE best managers that i've had to work with. I look up to them so much and continue to inspire me to do better. After telling them of my status now, they are equally proud and i'm happy I can tell them that they were instrumental in it.

Inspiration comes in all forms. whether its a kind word of comfort or by example. I'm sure there are many others. but none, for me anyway, seems more effective than showing others it is all possible.

by the way, I think december 2006 has been a bad month for couples everywhere. i've heard of three friends' marriages having crumbled. I hope the number doesn't increase.

here it goes again by ok go
posted by maldita @ 8:13 PM  
Sunday, November 26, 2006
all i want for christmas is you.

has anyone noticed how lazy everyone is this holiday season? ayala avenue used to be filled with joy and tidings...now it's just some plastic decor, a few lights and not a smile in sight.

even with all the bazaars, you don't feel the spirit. No one is excited. It's really sad. I can say it isn't really something i'm looking forward to - since JB isn't here to share it with me. Would have been our first christmas together. It would have been nice to visit churches, do our shopping together and shifting dinners between both our families.

it isn't even cold. the air just doesn't have anything in it. I'm busy trying to put together two company presentations for the christmas party which is in about two weeks. sacre bleu! i don't know what to do. all i've done so far is gather songs that we could use but honestly, that's as far as it goes.

In the effort to get my own spirit into the holidays, i've thought of my christmas list, been playing songs and just trying to feel a little bit more positive. Hard when you're missing the love of your life who is 3,500 miles away. AND you're trying to get your butt in gear to finish next year's marketing plans.

The only thing that has actually been figured out is the annual christmas gathering of friends. Well, not really planned, but it was discussed. We have to do it before chris goes on her trip to vegas, as always. We figure that we would all get really dressed up and have dinner at Cuisine. Great food. and then probably pick up our skirts and get some christmas beer in beers paradise. hehe. and of course, how would a night be complete without ending up in capones. sad how we're so predictable that way but it's still a vast improvement from last year's plans that never happened. I think all we did was get dressed up to hang in my house before heading to capones. hehe.

well today i finally got my ipod fixed. they said i had overdrained its battery. and i bought a new cable so i could finally charge it again. never did find my original one. jb? honey? do you have it? i could have sworn i lent it to you :) anyway, got about three items off my personal to-do list and that's REALLY GOOD. maybe this week i'll get to do two or three more. like finally get my hair (that's until my waist already) cut and find time for a relaxing facial (i seem to be breaking out in zits recently. zits! i never get zits!)

now how does one ship gifts to north carolina...hmmm...

all i want for christmas is you by olivia olson
posted by maldita @ 4:47 AM  
Saturday, November 25, 2006
clear the area.
I’ve had a series of major highs and major lows lately. My birthday being one of the most special and unbelievably ecstatic days of my life. I had expected it to be the same as others – greatly enjoyable with all those who remember me, and then I’m left with a feeling of imprudent questions. Like a hollow space inside. A string of fake or fleeting smiles. How can someone feel so despondent? Maybe it was halved between my pessimistic view and other by sheer fate that it resulted in such. But not the morning after, but a few days following.

My birthday was filled with the familiar and the unexpected. And I could not even write here about how happy I was. I just wanted to bask in it for as long as I could, selfishly and greedily. Because I feel I hardly ever feel this blissful. JB’s surprises made me feel so loved. So appreciated and special. My friends came over for dinner and the intimate group of my extended family made me feel like I’ve never lost them. The same jokes, stories, hugs and sweet stares.

Then back to reality. No matter how much I wanted to hold on to that day, I had to wake up early for work. Force my body to push it to the limits and be functional. I had a responsibility and there were no excuses. This extended to Saturday’s seminar. As much as I learn a lot, I hate giving up my weekend for it. I will be glad when the last session is over. (note: it ended today. i wrote this entry a week ago)

I can’t say I’ve been happy beyond those birthday days. To add injury, several of my people have been talking and told me that my “honeymoon stage is over. I have to work harder.” It scares me since I have been so exhausted already. Thinking that I have done nothing if not push myself to accomplish their expectations. Apparently, it has not even been close to what I am supposed to do.

I have felt this before. Abandoned but not really. When I was in the U.S. I had people with me, around me. But the loneliness or solidarity is inside. And it does not diminish with pithy bouts of drunken delusions. It is a pertinent choice to ignore it and take the day until it is over. Then on to the next. With this I am grateful for my daily drugs of implementation hazards. Work does keep me busy. So much that I have no room to feel sad. Until the end of the day, that is. But then I am anesthetized by physical nausea. And it is drowned out by the slumber. Is this all I am to do for the rest of my life? Just live like a zombie without any direction?

I write today with uncertainty. I do not know what I want but I am torn between several things. Decisions are meant to be difficult. Or else we wouldn’t take them so seriously. Because they affect the future. That’s why we are scared.

I am very happy for frances and raffy. They know what they want. They know they love each other enough to spend the rest of their lives together. If you see them now, you’ll know exactly what you’ve been striving to have. It’s a decision that will involve every detail of your future, and they’re happy with it.

there was an episode in scrubs where jd talked about how he couldn't handle "train wrecks". this is when everything happens at once and you're pressed for a decision. something that could contribute to the bitter whole of the future. small but not insignificant. and all elliot told him was "take a deep breath and it will all slow down." well i held in all that air. and exhaled. then took another. i guess i'll keep doing that until it works. i have the rest of my life. until i stop remembering how to breathe.

clear the area by imogen heap
posted by maldita @ 9:05 AM  
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
daylight savings
There's just so much that happens in a day. Next thing you know, boom...it's 530pm already. Talk about a quick pace. I was just telling frances that if not for this really efficient team, a lot of things would fall out of whack. The girls are smart and unbelievably resilient that they can really succeed wherever their directions take them. I hope they know that my appreciation for them, though small in little email forms is still very much meant.

my best guide is rj. he really took care of me and developed me through years. I sometimes still go to him to ask for advice on how to tackle a problem or what would he do in my place. We had lunch just last week where we gathered stories about the different jobs and juggernauts. I told him how i'm also lucky, not just for the team but to have a boss who i know i can rely on for those deep mucky mud. it's very different, yeah but nonetheless fulfilling to be in a place so bustling and busy. where every move is a mountain.
posted by maldita @ 11:29 PM  
Sunday, October 22, 2006
sleeping with the lights on.
here i am waiting for my baby to either wake up, finish twosies, finish breakfast or whatever else he might be doing while he's idle on ym.

haven't been sleeping well since jb left. i jolt myself awake for no reason and find it hard to go back into slumber. This is all considering i'm both emotionally and physically tired. My whole body has been aching from being pushed beyond its limits. The past month i've been to singapore, cebu and tagaytay - all for work. So no, i didn't enjoy a minute of it. I took first flights out just to come back to his arms. i wanted to squeeze all the time i could possibly find before he got on his own plane.

its hard not to break into tears. the thought of not seeing his face, holding his hand or talking to him everyday. it doesn't help that you will not find a single positive perspective on the discussion of distanced relationships. I get teased a lot. I get a lot of comfort from great friends (thanks frank, aimee, norby, jay, martin, frances, anna) even just a message to check up on me or reassuring me that i'm strong enough to do this.

today was not one of my better ones. I refused to get out of bed. when i did, i refused to go out of my room. when i did, i slumped on the chair watching dvd's till the sun went down. I've lost reasons.

but i've already listed down every single thing I could possibly do to keep from cascading down a steep slope:
1. work work work
2. clean my room
3. start playing the bass again
4. have coffee/dinner/movie with friends
5. watch all the dvds i had just bought
6. repair clothes i had long ignored (yes, i know how to use a sewing machine)
7. play tennis on the weekend
8. read comics

gone are the days when i would go out and get drunk to forget. I just don't have a penchant for it anymore. I guess i grew out of it. I had enough stories and memories for numerous tellings to come.

these are just a few I can think of. Actually they should already be enough to keep me preoccupied and panic-stricken so i won't have time to stop, sit and sob.

and i'm doing this all for him. because he asked me to be strong. and i am.trying.

special thanks goes out to everyone who gave communication suggestions - 3G, chikka, skype, vonage...um what else? feel free to give me more! :)

sleeping with the lights on by teitur
posted by maldita @ 7:32 AM  
Sunday, October 01, 2006
one fine day.
it's a painful process. separation.

even with bigger problems and issues on the surface - typhoons, trauma, death - it is still impossible to rise above your own anguish.

i spent a quality weekend with my baby. having had to compress several years worth of experiences...all in less than a month. i am a juggler and a liar. a circus act of wills. i sacrifice and risk it all...to get the lesser of regrets.

only chunky rice understands these feelings.

if only i could stop time and just enjoy a tension free three weeks. reading comic books while lying on his lap. with a periodic kiss on the cheek or forehead. i could do that forever. i want to throw everything else away for those last moments. but at what expense?

everyone says to trust. have faith. and pray that the universe helps us find our way together again.

i'm working on it. all or nothing.

One fine day, youll look at me
And you will know our love was, meant to be
One fine day, youre gonna want me for your girl
The arms I long for, will open wide
And youll be proud to have me, right by your side...
Ill keep waiting, and, someday darling
Youll come to me when you want to settle down
One fine day, well meet once more

one fine day by natalie merchant
posted by maldita @ 8:43 AM  

she had eyes like two turntables mix(h)er in between my dreams and reality blend in ancient themes the bas(e)is of isis cross-faded to ankh the beat drops like a cliff over looking my heart - Saul Williams

    today i'm feeling...The current mood of mescueta at www.imood.com

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