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| Friday, September 01, 2006 |
| invisible. |
"You say you're beautiful. Don't wait for someone else to say it." - Iman
There are times when you wish you were invisible. At least you have reason for not getting compliments, for not getting noticed, for not feeling like you're beautiful. Especially since it took you more than an hour to get your hair dried, picked the right clothes, shave your legs and put on a face.
I hate it when I see a pretty girl, with white skin, great legs, perfect smile and no tummy. I never used to be like that. I used to feel confident that I am beautiful even if i never lived up to specific types of other men. I'd rather not aspire to be that, i'll just be myself and find someone who will love me just the way i am. sounds like bridget jones, doesn't it.
My mom told me once some time ago that she noticed i had these little spots on my forehead. She said it could be warts. I said, they're so tiny, i don't really care. But it will multiply! she said. and it would look bad that guys won't like it. Jokingly of course, my mom is not that superficial :) to which my response was - well then, i'll just find a husband who will love me - warts and all! deep inside I thought, there might not be a man who does not want his woman to be less than perfect in his eyes...oh well. then i'll just stay single. I don't care. I will not lower my expectations -- OR degrade myself to be less than REAL.
so i lived my life as i should. but now i think with all the things i'm going through, i don't have much self-confidence left inside. To which is no one's fault but myself. How did i allow myself to get affected by others so much?
I even thought: hell, i may not have the perfect body, skin, face or hair but I have a great personality and mind. But even that has been shaken out of my system. I can barely carry a conversation with strangers which was one of my strongest talents. I just lost all energy and motivation to talk to anyone. friends can attest to this. i have become a hermit-rock. who just lives each day as a zombie. Following the schedule. Do what i have to do...but at what expense?
Maybe a day at the parlor would do me good...
frances and i were talking about jealousy the other day. it's main root is insecurity. and she said that if you are really jealous, then you would not have the guts to tell your partner. I told her, i think you would tell your partner if you thought he/she could do something to help you out of it. You don't really need everyone's attention - just theirs. It's enough. and then raffy cracked a joke about how gorgeous she was and we just laughed.
so how do you get your confidence back?
i don't want to wait for someone else to tell me i'm beautiful anymore.
Go ahead
Walk on by
You don't know I'm alive
Maybe one day you'll find
You should open your eyes
Little things adding up
Try so hard not to rush
Giving in, letting go of the world we know
They won't see you
You're the one who looked right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was invisible
invisible by ashlee simpson |
posted by maldita @ 7:21 PM
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