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| Sunday, July 18, 2004 |
| I would like for you to be still… |
Several reunions with various friends and to recount all my stories are just too tiring. They have read my blog, seen my pictures and yet still clamor for more recollections. With just one statement – I am happy – they surrender. It really is just that simple. “As long as your happy” they say. No amount of rationalizing explanations needed. Their love is simply rooted in that declaration. And they are genuinely happy for me.
I now find fancy in simpler details. Over dinner tonight someone recounted his experience of bungee jumping in New Zealand with excitement. And I noticed a more sincere enjoyment in strangers and their stories. Like the man in the sidewalk who asked me if I was either a dark child or a light grown-up. Save for the sonofabitch stalker I had a few weeks ago, unexpected encounters are a welcome recluse from the weight of the world.
Frances was right. I would have learned something more about myself on my escapist jaunt. I stay home tonight on a Saturday with an effortless appreciation of my own turtle shell.
Have you ever heard of Milarepa? An 11th century Tibetan Saint who could accomplish just about anything. Except for the dragon living inside his cave that he had to encounter at the end of each day. He suffered with this demon until he finally stopped trying to control it and just succumb to its fury. And then it disappeared. It’s like feeling the ache then crying uncontrollably but you always find yourself stopping to rest then shift to another point of reference.
Say hello to the fiend the way you occasionally listen to the blues. Then say your goodbyes and be on your way. It is a reminder that we are human and we feel.
You lose it. Just to find it and as you walk right by it
You forget how you got there and why you never meant to stay
And I won't watch you waste away and I won't fake another day
And I can't watch you waste away and I won't beg you still to stay
And if one truth leads you to five,
I still don't believe in your reasons why
I just don't believe in why
I couldn't watch you walk away and not forget it
I couldn't watch you turn to stone and just regret a single day.
Not a single day
If I lose you. Could you find me? Or would you walk right by me?
The soul and the spirit each have got their own limit
And I can't waste another second living in hell like it's some kind of heaven
And if one truth leads to another then isn't there one I can uncover?
But there isn't one that I will not discover
It's the right time. It's my time. It's my turn to discover.
- "Feel to Believe" sung by Beth Orton
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posted by maldita @ 12:00 AM
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