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| Saturday, May 17, 2003 |
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I just got home. Went out with Sad, Bene, Ed and Trina. We first met up in greenbelt. But temple was just so packed and we wanted to check out the Head Candy (tama ba yon?I can't remember) party at the nbc tent. Wow I didn’t realize how long it’s been since I went out…where I don’t need to worry about taking care of anyone but myself. And I also didn’t realize how long I’ve been away from my friends. I was just texting Trika that I missed my friends and I’m so glad to be free to hang out with them again.
The other night I bumped into an old friend also in greenbelt. We’ve been friends for how many years but we stopped hanging out of courtesy to joey. Not because he was a threat but simply because he understood that it wouldn’t look good for me to go out with a guy friend while I had a boyfriend. My guy friends all understood that unsaid rule and it goes to show that they had respect for joey’s feelings and I could be confident that they would always be there for me when I needed them even if we didn’t hang out anymore.
I moved home today. It felt really good. Of course, bringing one year’s worth of stuff from the dorm took me about three trips though. But all in all, it's great to be near my brother again. I missed our midnight talks about our day's experiences. He's really a blessing.
Joey asked me if I regret seeing him tonight at the NBC party. Without hesitation I said yes. I wished at that point that we didn’t see each other. I honestly, and this may sound mean, wish I could forget the two (actually around three) years that we were together. But now I think, thank God I saw him tonight. Now I can move on. I saw him for who he really is and upon further analysis…I am better off without him. Not to put all the blame on him. But I just wouldn’t grow into a better person if I stayed with him anyway. And a partner for life is someone you want to grow with. Someone who brings out the best in you.
Frances told me Joey had nothing to do with me changing my life for the better. I decided to do that a long time before I met him. Even when I was with Miguel pa. So I don’t owe him anything. He didn’t change me. I changed for myself. I didn’t ride on his wave. I made my own to ride on.
I finished first year in AIM because of my own dedication. I have my own friends, not because of him. I have learned to enjoy a quiet night at home by myself. I don’t need to go out and get drunk to have a good time. I got the job in Colgate Palmolive all on my own. He was just a bonus.
The difference between the Margie who got heartbroken ten years ago and the Margie who is heartbroken now is that I have learned to preserve myself. When this happened to me ten years ago, I was devastated. No friends, no life. Everything revolved around the boyfriend. But now, it’s like a part of me has been taken but it’s not like a vital organ, but more like a small functional one. Like a pinky finger. Even with four fingers you can still use your hand right? Hehe bad analogy but it will have to do.
To all my friends reading this, thanks for all your kind words that get me through each day. I don’t wake up with this hollow feeling inside. I can actually say to myself every morning that I have something to look forward to…and that is being with you. Receiving caring text messages for you…hugs….smiles…having coffee or just getting a call to say hello.
Ok…time to say goodnight. Am watching The Hours tomorrow with Frances. Heard it’s a really good movie! Can’t wait =)
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posted by maldita @ 2:08 PM
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