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| Sunday, February 08, 2004 |
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Two Solitudes.
I just read Tals Diaz’ latest article “Nomad Love”. Beautiful. Every Saturday I anticipate reading the works of the Super! writers Martin, Tals and Gino. But before you think of my bias based on the fact that they are my friends or acquaintance – think again. Since when have I given bullshit praise? Glimpses into their wits does more than just provide trivia to speak of in periodic conversations. They provide a base for personal reflection. So right now I am thinking of two solitudes of the mind.
First state. You are alone. No other person to bounce ideas on. But your mental state is on hyperdrive. I think most people dread this physical state. Because they cannot see the beauty of self-awareness surrounding it. When else can you have a great conversation if not with yourself?Cigarette, coffee and pen in hand, this is where my insight emerges. My memories come back to either haunt or seduce me. When you can cry without fear of getting caught or having to explain to anyone why. My latest source of inspiration called me one of the most self-aware people in manila that he’s met. As you probably guessed, he’s only met a handful of people here. And as you see in these blog entries, I spend much time thinking, dwelling and feeling. But it is the other emotional intelligent trait that I lack: self-regulation.
Why do people dread being alone? Countless number of songs highlight the needs for partners, company, sponges or an audience. But as Tals has said…you have to find wonder and interest in yourself because each day “ you go to bed with yourself”. And so many 20somethings, mostly from second half of the period, take to the streets and the allure of travel. Even the choices of travel partners limit your experience. So leave it up to the moon.
Digressing a bit, I was just telling a friend the other day about my disgust at some foreigners visiting our country. I try to leave a lot of biases at the door but there are those who still prove me right when I see them attempt to pick up girls for some fling even as early as their first day here. What the f-?! ok maybe we should blame it on the international perception and Webster definition of filipinas being maids or whores. Grrr. Which leads me to another point. You do not travel just to bed as many cultures as possible. Geezus. Then you would be the human equivalent of the Olympics.
I change my statement that physical contact is overrated, but I think mental stimulation is underrated. Can we focus on that a bit more? Which leads me to my Second state. The one wherein you are surrounded by people but your brain seems to be shrinking in non-activity to the size of a prune. Maybe I’ve just been conditioned by some friends and acquaintances who possess not only trivial tidbits to drop like a name just to impress but some valuable or individual view. Isn’t that the point of talking to a single person? If not, we’d all be talking as a group in unison to each other. I’ve had too many of those encounters. For example, some guys in their ignorance think that the more newsworthy names they mention, expensive sports they do, bars they patronize make them more charming. I just want to belch in the bullshit. But I do still go out every week…and you may find me in the middle of one of these mundane conversations. But I am just saying that I can only take so much. Like watching both B-movies and interesting creative ones. I enjoy both kinds of films, but can’t get too much of one type. Like one evening, I heard a guy talk about how much he disliked this song for the next four hours! Four hours! You would want to throw yourself – or him – over the balcony of Capones.
So now I appreciate a good cuppa joe with my friends. I can hear their voices, see their faces. Because I don’t want to be alone in a packed venue anymore where I can see but not tap into who you are. Let’s face it, looking into someone’s eyes will not sustain your for a life-long relationship. I chose to deliberate on these two states of mind just to remind others – and myself – that the material world isn’t the only thing of value. Hmm I think since losing my wallet the other day had some positive effects. So I sit here in my porch, with a cigarette, coffee and book in hand. Simple pleasure for the intervallic hermit without a single peso for the next few days.
But then they danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!'
- Jack Kerouac, "On The Road" |
posted by maldita @ 1:50 PM
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