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| Tuesday, December 16, 2003 |
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“I HAVE to leave.” Why do such words ring in your ears for days on end? When you first hear them from a friend’s lips, you get engrossed in a state of denial telling yourself that maybe you can change their minds. But most of us who have heard these indelible words know any effort is futile.
I am guilty of this denial and continue to replay events in my head, as if changing them could have contributed to my future defense. But most of the time this is done in secret. The other person in question does not even know of this internal conflict that plagues me. Call it internal pride or the lack thereof. But I think I have mastered the art of walking away gracefully.
This is not even limited to lovers lost, or nomadic companions but also with friends who have lost their luster or simply my cornucopia of memories. You can only see evidence of this when you engage me in a conversation that pertains to topics other than the practical or corporate. My stories are filled with people I’ve met, situations I have found myself in and even more separations. Note the past tense. Let’s go back there again shall we?
I used to think I bored people with my stories. As you notice their eyes starting to wander or their gaze beginning to go blank, you know they lost interest. But instead of giving in to that bout of insecurity and shutting myself down, I kept finding people who evidently wanted me to give them juicy insights and analysis of certain events. One such example is my classmate Gwen who has admitted that she consumed my blog like a daily soap opera and she is plagued by the question of who the bastards are. As I’ve gotten older, I have found more deserving creatures who value me and what I think. They are those who have found the lessons to be learned in my pain and disentanglements. And they’ve also learned to walk away gracefully.
My birthday parties are always very hard to plan. I have found friends and loved ones from all different sectors and social circles. No one is better or more superior to the rest, and they just cannot morph together like magnets of the same polar caps. Even this year I had to celebrate it in three phases – three days with three very different groups of friends. This is the raison d'être for my fruitless exploration for the perfect mate. I need someone who is itinerant... like me. Someone who can be at home with different walks of life, never being judgmental of anyone and appreciates the fact that everyone contributes to their maturity evolution.
If I stopped moving, I would die. I am a vagrant who needs to constantly move about to keep her sanity and her progression. Heaven forbid I would have to stand still and rot in utter uselessness. This is why I HAVE to leave next year. Everyone wondered why I skipped recruitment night last week with the chance to meet with top MNC contacts. It is because I am adamant on moving to a new realm. I fancy a new circle of consciousness outside my comfort zone that is called the Philippines. So much apprehension plagues me, I admit but every dream I have and persistent cipher from the universe continues to point in the direction of confronting that fear. Even astrologers who have analyzed my stars over the years say this is the composition of my destiny. Even in CIE class when Prof. Morato spoke of developing yourself before you can develop a company to success acquainted me to my immediate ambition.
I am the wandering beatnik.
Take things a day at a time, living it up to its satiated capacity.
I think it was James Dean, the beatnik of generations that said: Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today. |
posted by maldita @ 2:15 AM
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