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| Wednesday, January 26, 2005 |
| Like a baby learning to walk… |
All I do is sleep all day, and think of you. A memory of the cushion life I'm clinging to. The image of a mutual one, our haven. The sombre chords of our song, the fading. Passion and its brother hate, they come and go. Could easily be made to stay for longer though. Many people play this game so willingly. Do I have to be like them, or be lonely? Love is no big truth. Driven by our genes, we are simple selfish beings. A symphony that's you. Joyously awaking the ignorant and sleeping.
I'll never need it again, not again, not again...
- "Love is no big truth" by Kings of Convenience
Sometimes it seems too easy to let our lives hang at a balance while waiting for someone to return. The problem with letting our lives revolve around one person or another is that we have the most convenient excuse for everything. The pain can disable. The trauma transfixes us in apprehension. How convenient.
I still try not to think of certain people that have chipped off my shoulders and have immobilized my progression. It isn’t that easy. What’s that saying – so easy to blame, so hard to take responsibility. Sometimes I also wish that certain friends have not decided to migrate to a distant location just so I could have someone to guide me through my problems. They had been my mentors in maturity and always put things at a different perspective. I haven’t really been talking much because without them here, I just don’t know anyone else who would understand me as well as they do. There are two reasons why people confide predicaments and difficulty – either to vent or to ask for advice. I think I’ve vented enough to make even myself nauseous.
It’s just really terrifying to realize that you’re left alone at the controls. You’ve mastered the guide book. You’ve passed the course. You don’t have an instructor giving you practice runs. Time for the real thing where all the decisions are based on your own judgment. So much freedom and fear. Cowardice rears its ugly head at the most insecure moments. But I’m learning to tread lightly and take baby steps. It will take some time but I’ll get to where I should be…and who I want to be.
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posted by maldita @ 7:51 AM
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